OH doesn't want to socialise at Christmas (or anytime)

Dunroamin

paulineb wrote: »

Tbh, I dont think the issues with his parent and sibling that he mentioned recently have much to do with this. Just my own opinion.

I just think if one person is having problems with both sides of the family, including imputing mental illness to the other people involved, it could be worth looking inwards to see if the problem is there.

Sometimes it really isn't the case that everybody else is wrong.

harrys_nan

A home belongs to all people living it it, neither should have to ask permission to invite anybody round. I appreciate you have perhaps gone the wrong way about your invite, you should have said to your wife, " i want to ask cousin to come round over christmas, which day is best"?
I see you would be doing the cooking and cleaning, so she doesn't have to do anything.
I think she may be depressed, Would she see her doctor at all? I also think this is the tip if the iceberg, the problem goes deeper.

Errata

I would be cooking the meal.

Who would be doing the shopping and paying for it?

MrsDrink

andygb wrote: »

I have been concerned about this for many years, and it is not spiteful, it is because I love my OH, and I wish that she did have friends.

I only wish to comment on this. I an an introvert. I dislike people in general. My house is my space. Do not turn up unannounced - I probably won't answer the door. At work I have to deal with people, I have to put on an extrovert face. The last thing I want to do when I close my front door is to carry the facade on. I want my time, and my space. I am not depressed.

I have friends, albeit only a handful and I very rarely see them. For example I haven't seen the friend who would have been my chief bridesmaid if I had any, since August. But that suits me (and my friends) just fine. It would seriously !!!! me off if my husband took pity on me because my friendships weren't to his standard. I am very happy being me, and would feel very aggrieved if my husband wanted to change me or improve me.

Fortunately for me I'm married to a wonderful man who shares my views. He too is an introvert. He too dislikes people and relishes the sanctuary that is our home.


AndyGB I know the above is just one of many problems within your relationship, as PaulineB has said, but I think there needs to be more acceptance of each other.

paulineb_2

andygb wrote: »

I am not simply giving up on 23 years just like that.
I would really like to get some counselling, find out why she does not want to mix with people (except her family).
I wish she had a hobby, that she could find some pleasure in life, because she always seems to be so negative about things.:(

You cant force her to mix, make friends, get hobbies

Basically the pair of you either sort out your issues with some professional help, because it sounds like you need it or you trundle along like this for the next however many years

I dont have a partner, so essentially I can do as I please, but I dont think its the worst thing in the world to want to have relatives over to see you, be it Boxing Day or any other day. Not everyone spends hours cooking in the kitchen on Christmas Day and is therefore too tired out to see people the following day. The thing is, for me, even if someone was really tired and had a long few months at work, Id think at some point over the Christmas and New year period, it doesnt sound too awful to have family over. Many people will spend Christmas Day with a lot of family

And dare I say it, if you had asked her first, she'd probably still have said no. I do think if you want to see your family you should maybe think about meeting them away from the home and ask your wife to come with you, she might say yes, she might say no.

But something has to change and I dont think left to your own devices, anything is going to change in the marriage.

As for not wanting to throw away 23 years of marriage, I get that, but do you want to be sitting here in 5, 10, 15 years time saying the same things and dealing with the same issues.

picklekin

I can see both points of view, but I would be livid if my husband did this to me (she can't win either way now can she?), I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder and it sounds a but like OPs OH does too. However my husband would NEVER to this to me, he understands and supports me, and knows it takes a big effort for me to see his family, which I do, but I prefer it out of my house. I have friends and do socialise but very much rely on the support of my loving husband to do this (I get all panicky just before and often need a good shove, but end up having a great time )

It doesn't sound like either of you support each other with good grace (financially or emotionally) and I would try to put some effort in to fix things this Christmas, you can start by telling your cousin your actually busy that day, how about meeting up on the weekend for a meal out? (clear the day with your wife FIRST!).

pollypenny

OP hasn't said how long the cousin and family were expected to stay. All day or a couple of hours? Would they expect a meal or nibbles?

He has said that he is cooking, ok a meal.

Having been out of work for a while, he must have felt financially constrained about socialising. Now he can start making links again.

I understand the wife wanting to relax, but unless they have a houseful on Christmas Day, that is pretty relaxing too. Does she have to return to work on Friday?

If not she's got a good few days then to put her feet up, that's not the issue though.

aneres

I agree with the OP, you should be able to invite people over to your own house regardless of who pays the bills.

My OH is having 5 of his mates round tonight (2 staying over). I'm not particularly looking forward to this but it is his home as well as mine and he should feel free to invite his friends round if he wishes.

On Christmas day we will visit his family which isn't really my thing but he doesn't see his Nan and Grandad often so I don't mind.

On Boxing Day my Cousin is having a family party which my OH isn't particularly looking forward to but he will come for me.

I feel you have to compromise in these situations.

paulineb_2

As for feeling like a prisoner in your own house, you need to change this. I cant find your old thread that you posted but from recollection, youve been unable to work for a time due to health issues, but you do the bulk of things that need doing around the house and part of the previous problems were that your wife was extremely critical of everything you did and wasnt happy?

You can let me know if Im wrong on that but from what I remember, there are much bigger issues that the pair of you have been dealing with than her being an introvert and you wanting to socialise.

I dont think theres much happiness in your marriage at all from what youve posted in previous times and something really does need to change and thats on both sides and I do think from what youve said in the past it would need to be with a counsellor.

But if thats not an option, I think you need to make moves to build a social life and friends of your own outside the family home as well.

Im not sure that would be enough though, sounds like you are both miserable.

Pollycat

aneres wrote: »

I agree with the OP, you should be able to invite people over to your own house regardless of who pays the bills.

My OH is having 5 of his mates round tonight (2 staying over). I'm not particularly looking forward to this but it is his home as well as mine and he should feel free to invite his friends round if he wishes.

On Christmas day we will visit his family which isn't really my thing but he doesn't see his Nan and Grandad often so I don't mind.

On Boxing Day my Cousin is having a family party which my OH isn't particularly looking forward to but he will come for me.

I feel you have to compromise in these situations.

I think it only courteous to check with whoever lives in the house before inviting people over.

I'm not sure if the OP actually did this. He says he told his cousins that he'd need to check with his OH first.
To me, that was the wrong order.

However, I do agree with Paulineb that she's have probably said 'no' anyway.

So, did your OH ask you if it was OK to have his friends over or was it presented to you as a fait accompli?