OH doesn't want to socialise at Christmas (or anytime)

coolcait

paulineb wrote: »

The thread the OP posted. Might give some insight as to how things have been
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4622227

My views on the issues raised on the other thread are documented there.

On this thread, I agree with the view that the OP has - perhaps inadvertently - put his OH in an impossible situation.

The moment the OP agreed with his cousin, in principle, that the cousin and his family should come to the OP's home for dinner on Boxing Day - but he just needed to run it past his OH first - the OH was really backed into a corner.

Either the OH agrees that the visit goes ahead, whether she wants it or not, or the OH will be painted as 'the bad guy' for saying no.

Two wrongs don't make a right [other cliches are available].

paulineb_2

Pollycat wrote: »

I think the bit in bold is the key part.

We are only reading one side of the story.

But thats the same for every single thread that gets poster on this board. Doesnt stop people coming to certain conclusions and giving advice out.

I think the christmas issue is just a tiny part of the fact that neither are happy in the marriage, if it werent this, it would be something else.

Pollycat

paulineb wrote: »

But thats the same for every single thread that gets poster on this board. Doesnt stop people coming to certain conclusions and giving advice out.

I agree, which is why I like to keep a little perspective and realise that if me & OH had had a disagreement, our versions of it would probably be different.

That's why I'd personally have posted:

paulineb wrote: »

I really do think people need to read the OP's thread that I quoted

Yes, shes the one that works, but according to him she does nothing around the house

According to him, She criticises everything he does, she doesnt go out or like socialising and he feels like a prisoner in his own home

Not really much of a life from where Im sitting.

We don't actually know that she criticises everything he does and we don't know that she doesn't go out or like socialising.

We do know that he feels like a prisoner in his own home - as that is a feeling he can explain on a public forum.

Maybe I'm being too pedantic.

persa

paulineb wrote: »

Home doesnt seem to be a sanctuary for the OP though does it?

Then why want to spend time there? If I was the OP and hated my own home, I'd have angled for an invite round the cousin's!

I agree with you though that the time of year is amplifying the problem. Christmas seems to put a lot of pressure on people.

Re the OP's OH, when my OH was out of work and all the pressure was on me to earn, I didn't do any housework. My OH did everything as that became his contribution - oh, I feel positively nostalgic remembering how clean everything was.

Now we both work full time, we split the chores. Sadly, our home doesn't look nearly as tidy as it once did, you get less done when you're both employed.

I don't think the OP's OH is wrong expecting him to do the housework, but maybe she isn't appreciating his contribution properly. OH, have you told her how you feel about this?

The cousin round for Christmas is not the main issue. Strikes me your dynamic is suffering from the change in roles, and you need to both get more comfortable with that.

paulineb_2

To be honest, the OP made a comment about not wanting to throw away 23 years of marriage (not sure if it was on this thread or the other one).

The impression I get is that hes miserable, shes miserable. I dont know how long theyve been unhappy, but that other thread was posted months ago and I wonder if anything has changed.

I do think so many people get to a point where they feel that they need to stay no matter how unhappy they both are, because the thought of ending a long marriage is just too much to cope with and of course, even if things arent good, there may still be a lot of love there.

Just makes me a bit sad that when things deteriorate and both people arent happy, they'll get into negative patterns of behaviour towards one another and just stick like that

I do know when Ive been unhappy in previous relationships sometimes someone could say boo to you and you are arguing about nothing, but its not the little thing that you are actually getting upset over, its built up anger and resentment over other bigger issues that havent been dealt with.

Personally, theres only so much misery I could cope with before I made a decision to either get help and try and work through things or exit the relationship.

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

To be honest, the OP made a comment about not wanting to throw away 23 years of marriage (not sure if it was on this thread or the other one).

The impression I get is that hes miserable, shes miserable. I dont know how long theyve been unhappy, but that other thread was posted months ago and I wonder if anything has changed.

I do think so many people get to a point where they feel that they need to stay no matter how unhappy they both are, because the thought of ending a long marriage is just too much to cope with and of course, even if things arent good, there may still be a lot of love there.

Just makes me a bit sad that when things deteriorate and both people arent happy, they'll get into negative patterns of behaviour towards one another and just stick like that

I do know when Ive been unhappy in previous relationships sometimes someone could say boo to you and you are arguing about nothing, but its not the little thing that you are actually getting upset over, its built up anger and resentment over other bigger issues that havent been dealt with.

Personally, theres only so much misery I could cope with before I made a decision to either get help and try and work through things or exit the relationship.

I think all of this is wise and sensible general thought, and as such - general thought, I agree with it. But I also think the other dysfunctional relationships have to be considered here. Even supposing face value is correct ( and how many of us see things trueLy fairly about our own behaviour? ) surrounded by so many dysfunctional people and relationships must colour one's own behaviour or relationship tools a little if one isn't careful.

I, for example, am aware this is a trap easy for me to fall into, so have to remain on guard against my own behaviour often. I say this so that op realises its not an attack on him, but a sympathetic appreciation of difficulties that might, not necessarily are, but might arise.