OH doesn't want to socialise at Christmas (or anytime)

lostinrates

liney wrote: »

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

.

How is deciding what to do with someone else's time and/or space not doing the exact opposite? Controlling them ?

In reality it works like this....

Lir: darling I am chatting to some one on a forum you might be able to help might I suggest you'd meet them for coffee?

DH: hmmm, yes....alright then or not this month kiddo,

DH: darling, would you like to have some friends, say Adam his girl friend and John and his boyfriend to supper? I could see if they are about on next Friday or the one after

Lir: oh, next Friday is no good, do you remember we have the village thing? And the Friday afterwards you promised me a quiet night in....we have the house to ourselves, I'm not sure I want to sacrifice that for boring old supper

DH: ok...next motnh?

Lir: ok, John and his boyfriend, but not that Adam, lets think of some one else, his girl friend bores me to tears......





These are all totally normal negotiations and discussions. Not 'permission'

Pollycat

liney wrote: »

How rude. One could equally say you must be expectionally highly strung!

I don't think it was rude at all, although I can see why you may think that as I'm clearly disagreeing with your 'asking permission' viewpoint.

Mumps initially said she was 'cross' about what her OH had done.

I think it was very rude of her OH to - in drink - issue invitations willy-nilly to a not insignificant number of people with a few hours notice.

Mumps has said she is not a doormat.
I guess then she must be very laid back and that her OH takes her massively for granted and/or is exceptionally thoughtless - at least when he's had too much to drink.

lostinrates

Pollycat wrote: »

No, the conversation goes:

'Hey! How do you feel about asking X and Y and the kids over on Boxing Day for a meal? I've not mentioned it to them yet, of course.'

The various responses could be:
'Actually, I'd rather not as I just want to veg out, eat chocolates and watch old black and white films.'

or

'Actually, that would be nice but how about not doing it on Boxing Day but the day after instead?'

or

'It would be great to see them but how about suggesting we meet them in the local pub for lunch instead?'

None of those is - at least not to me - asking for permission.

It's offering up a suggestion for discussion rather than presenting someone with a fait accompli - as the OP has done.

Rofl, same way of trying to demonstrate :rotfl:

lostinrates

liney wrote: »

How rude. One could equally say you must be expectionally highly strung!

I would say I am quite highly strung.

I don't really see what's wrong with knowing that about myself. It takes a lot of pressure of my husband that I know it:D. He is relaxed, but only to a point.

Because I know it I don't put myself under too much pressure and we do things like ......check plans are ok with each other. Knowing yourself and your partner and their limits are pretty help ful in relationships. You don't end up with arguments about relatives visiting or not on Boxing Day...you discuss it in advance.

Dunroamin

mumps wrote: »

Depends on the family I guess, my sister and her husband have spent alot of time supporting his cousin when she had cancer. She had no partner, siblings or children, so cousins were as close as it got.

I did say once removed.

venetianlagoon

Is it asking permission or merely being inclusive and considerate?

I wouldn't ask anyone round that my OH wouldn't be expecting me to, and nor would they. We regularly have certain friends round and I sometimes do make those arrangements without mentioning it (as long as I know the date is mutually convenient) but I wouldn't organise a get together with the neighbours for example, without having a conversation about it.

AndyGB seems to have a lot of issues with various family members judging from previous threads I have just perused. Perhaps it is his style of interaction that is at the heart of that. Maybe he means well but goes about it the wrong way, as it seems he has done here.

dktreesea

Bennifred wrote: »

If you want to spend time with your cousin and your OH doesn't, why don't you go to their house, or meet at a restaurant or something?

Yaay! Some common sense at last. Just because we have friends and relatives doesn't mean we get to inflict them on the people we live with. I have often done things with my extended family without my OH in tow. They're not his family and I don't expect them to be interested in them.

Dunroamin

liney wrote: »

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

Presumably if the conversation goes: 'Honey I was speaking to Fred and I thought I would ask him and the family round on Boxing Day afternoon.'

'No, I don't want them here.'

Must then be followed by him, not invited the family in order to 'respect her wishes,' yet she is not respecting his wish to extend an invitation to his family at Christmas.

Surely you could say, "Would you like Fred and his tribe over for Boxing Day"?

Is that any different from saying "Would you like to see that new film that opens tomorrow" or "How about going out for dinner on Saturday" or do you see both of those as asking for permission to do things?

dktreesea

liney wrote: »

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

Presumably if the conversation goes: 'Honey I was speaking to Fred and I thought I would ask him and the family round on Boxing Day afternoon.'

'No, I don't want them here.'

Must then be followed by him, not invited the family in order to 'respect her wishes,' yet she is not respecting his wish to extend an invitation to his family at Christmas.

Well it may not go quite like that. It could instead go:

Partner 1: I've invited a few of my family around for Boxing Day.

Partner 2: Oh really?! That doesn't appeal to me. That's okay. I'll make other arrangements.

That would be more the exchange in our house. It certainly wouldn't start with "Is it okay if I invite....." or words to that effect.

The house is as much the OP's as it is his wifes. Presumably they are both entitled to enjoy the house with their mates or relatives, even if the other half doesn't want to participate?

But really, if it is too much hassle, I would still see my family, but just at a local restaurant instead. I'd take them out for a meal rather than inflict them on a spouse he wasn't interested and had been working all year when I hadn't so just wanted some chill out time.

MrsDrink

lostinrates wrote: »

Knowing yourself and your partner and their limits are pretty help ful in relationships.

Totally agree!!