OH doesn't want to socialise at Christmas (or anytime)

mumps

Dunroamin wrote: »

Who's ever likely to need a first cousin once removed?

Depends on the family I guess, my sister and her husband have spent alot of time supporting his cousin when she had cancer. She had no partner, siblings or children, so cousins were as close as it got.

Pollycat

mumps wrote: »

Well lets hope you never need them, they might feel the same.

Are you seriously suggesting that I 'be nice' to my family in case I ever need them?

That's a bit like deciding to have kids so they can look after you when you're old.

mumps wrote: »

One year I discovered at lunch time on 31st December that my husband had invited about 30 people round for New Year. I had to leave work early to buy more food. He hadn't even suggested they bring anything and they didn't, not a single sausage roll or bottle of wine. Now I was cross and I think I was entitled but five people on Boxing Day with a few days notice, it really isn't the crime of the century.

Then I think you are either exceptionally laid back, a doormat or your OH takes you massively for granted and is exceptionally thoughtless.

It might not be the crime of the century in your eyes but the OP's wife clearly feels that it was wrong of him issue the invitation.

mumps

Dunroamin wrote: »

You don't need to have children to be a family.

I didn't say you did, I said they tended to include children and I think if you look at extended families that is true. I do know someone who has no siblings, no cousins and no children. He did have children in his extended family as his wife did had siblings, nieces and nephews etc. I don't think I know anyone who has gone through life with no children in the family, if nothing else they once were the child in the family.

lostinrates

It doesn't matter which of us like kids or not.

It matters what Op and his wife want.


Op ,I too find I cannot read this thread without some other posts about your relationships with other members of your/her family in mind.

DH and I do NOT make specific plans for each others time at home without first running past each other. Its one of the golden rules of our happy marriage IMO. This week we have, in a very rare move , gone on an almost lock down, seeing no family until the end of the week. Some family have found this difficult...even booked tables for us to meet them and DH and I have had to say, 'I'm sorry but we cannot meet you then, but we could do something the next week'.


Family relationships are hard, Op's wife suffers from a family they have had problems with, and he has problems with some close family. If her family isn't 'sufficient' and gets arguments going and even trying to say she wants peace and quiet when plans aren't discussed in advance with her starts a row (in which it sounds like she played no innocent part) I can see why she feels at the end of her tether tbh.

Fwiw...'I'll do it all' in the house rarely means it. I know the person saying it believes it, but its not true. Ad of your wife is a woman who is one who takes great pride in self presentation then you cannot do that for her. She might just have wanted a few days of no public face to the world.

liney

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

Presumably if the conversation goes: 'Honey I was speaking to Fred and I thought I would ask him and the family round on Boxing Day afternoon.'

'No, I don't want them here.'

Must then be followed by him, not invited the family in order to 'respect her wishes,' yet she is not respecting his wish to extend an invitation to his family at Christmas.

mumps

Pollycat wrote: »

Are you seriously suggesting that I 'be nice' to my family in case I ever need them?

That's a bit like deciding to have kids so they can look after you when you're old.




Then I think you are either exceptionally laid back, a doormat or your OH takes you massively for granted and is exceptionally thoughtless.

It might not be the crime of the century in your eyes but the OP's wife clearly feels that it was wrong of him issue the invitation.

Just pointing out that what goes around comes around, not suggesting you would do it for any reason other than they are family. I treat my sister's children as close as you can get to being my own, my sister feels the same about mine. It was a comforting thought as they were growing up as they had another home if they needed it, and who knows what life might throw at us.

No not a doormat, he got hell for that one, I believe he had consumed rather too much alcohol when he issued the invite and he didn't even remember it.

Pollycat

mumps wrote: »

Don't you consider your sister to be immediate family? Maybe my idea of family is odd.

My immediate family is who lives in our house. That'll be me and OH then.

I'm not saying your idea of family is odd.
That would be rude and presumptuous of me.
Your idea of family is just different to mine.

mumps wrote: »

When I was a child I had an aunt who had no children. Her house wasn't child friendly but it was our favourite place to visit. She always treated us as responsible people and we responded as she expected.

I'm actually the favourite auntie with no children.
It's just not 'us' (i.e. my family) for them to visit us in our house.
Maybe it's because my sister lives very close to my Mum so it's easier for me to visit both of them at the same time.

We'll visit them on Christmas morning to deliver presents.
It's easier than them coming over to ours as my sister has my Mum over to lunch and the kids will be playing with their gifts.

mumps wrote: »

I wouldn't worry too much about the x boxes, they will probably bring their ipads or suchlike. You would probably hardly notice them, although lots of people would probably say they were rude. Kids really can't win.

I'm not worried about the Xboxes.
They won't be bringing their ipads (or suchlike) as they won't be coming over.

liney

Pollycat wrote: »

Then I think you are either exceptionally laid back, a doormat or your OH takes you massively for granted and is exceptionally thoughtless.

How rude. One could equally say you must be expectionally highly strung!

Pollycat

liney wrote: »

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

Presumably if the conversation goes: 'Honey I was speaking to Fred and I thought I would ask him and the family round on Boxing Day afternoon.'

'No, I don't want them here.'

Must then be followed by him, not invited the family in order to 'respect her wishes,' yet she is not respecting his wish to extend an invitation to his family at Christmas.

No, the conversation goes:

'Hey! How do you feel about asking X and Y and the kids over on Boxing Day for a meal? I've not mentioned it to them yet, of course.'

The various responses could be:
'Actually, I'd rather not as I just want to veg out, eat chocolates and watch old black and white films.'

or

'Actually, that would be nice but how about not doing it on Boxing Day but the day after instead?'

or

'It would be great to see them but how about suggesting we meet them in the local pub for lunch instead?'

None of those is - at least not to me - asking for permission.

It's offering up a suggestion for discussion rather than presenting someone with a fait accompli - as the OP has done.

mummyroysof3

liney wrote: »

Can some one please explain how if the need to consult his wife so that she has the chance to say 'no' is not asking permission!

Presumably if the conversation goes: 'Honey I was speaking to Fred and I thought I would ask him and the family round on Boxing Day afternoon.'

'No, I don't want them here.'

Must then be followed by him, not invited the family in order to 'respect her wishes,' yet she is not respecting his wish to extend an invitation to his family at Christmas.

What's the alternative then? Each spouse does as they want even if it makes other spouse unhappy in their own home?