Christmas Angst.

pops5588

travelgran wrote: »

Agree with changing the am/pm. Why not 11-3 with his family, 4-9 with your family?

This would be better ideally, but the only problem is that because my grandparents are quite poorly (especially my grandpa) they are normally out for the count by about 4pm and go back home so I wouldn't get to see them or spend as much quality time with them which is important to both me and OH.

Thank you very much for all the advice and suggestions. It has actually really helped just to put how I feel down in writing and talk it through! Feeling much more prepared for it today. Hope it continues!

Nocturnes

Just a quickie from me suffering similar anxiety about hostile inlaw environment at Xmas! I found that the arguing gets me nowhere and makes things worse. By complaining about my OH's family, he takes it personally and gets defensive (understandably, as of course he is part of the family that I am basically insulting by not wanting to spend Xmas with them).


So outwardly I am going along with it all, but I have told myself that if on the day before I do not feel up to it, then I will use the migraine/flu/whatever excuse and not go. The excuse will be to his family if it comes to that, OH knows that this is my coping strategy.


I will most likely go along (in my case a two day event aaargh!), but to stem the anxiety until then, every time I get steamed up about it, I just tell myself that I don't have to go. It's working so far. Good luck, I feel your pain.


.

margaretclare

Nocturnes wrote: »

Just a quickie from me suffering similar anxiety about hostile inlaw environment at Xmas! I found that the arguing gets me nowhere and makes things worse. By complaining about my OH's family, he takes it personally and gets defensive (understandably, as of course he is part of the family that I am basically insulting by not wanting to spend Xmas with them).


So outwardly I am going along with it all, but I have told myself that if on the day before I do not feel up to it, then I will use the migraine/flu/whatever excuse and not go. The excuse will be to his family if it comes to that, OH knows that this is my coping strategy.


I will most likely go along (in my case a two day event aaargh!), but to stem the anxiety until then, every time I get steamed up about it, I just tell myself that I don't have to go. It's working so far. Good luck, I feel your pain.


.

It could be true. There are some very nasty 'winter bugs' going around. I've had a cold/chest infection/lasting cough which has been around for 3 weeks now. My bro-in-law in France has had similar for about 6 weeks, he says. Because of it, I haven't even been to church for 3 Sundays, and that's rare for me.

Not a good time of year, I'd have thought, for people to get together in close proximity, people who don't normally see each other. Our remote ancestors used to huddle round the fire during the hours of darkness and do their best to keep warm that way. They couldn't travel far because of impassable roads. Maybe it was a good idea.

itsanne

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Honestly I think you need to reframe this.

Your DH who you clearly love needs your support here. He desperately wants his family to be like yours and they aren't, they're difficult. I can tell you from personal experience that it's heartbreaking having alcoholism in the family and it can destroy the relationships. But somehow it's really important to your DH that this Christmas happens. Why not free yourself from all of the angst and difficulty and tell him, with a smile on your face, that you can see it is really important to him and you want to support him. And just do it. Put your own feelings aside. You are very very lucky to have such a strong and supportive family. Maybe you need to be that family for him now.

Yes it will be uncomfortable and difficult, and it's reasonable to at least make him aware that you worry about him being different with you when they are around. But also free yourself from any expectations about the family. You are there for your husband, not for them and not for yourself. Therefore whatever happens happens, you don't have control over it.

But I'd say do it and do it willingly for love. I know this is soppy and oldfashioned but I really think he needs your support on this.

(sorry I know this is quite different from what others have posted but I do feel sort of strongly about this!)

Absolutely!


If you could manage the whole amount of time without "props" that would be great. However, if that would be too difficult, I also agree with earlier posters about taking something to do with you. I would normally consider it rude to sit listening to music on an mp3 player in this type of gathering, but in this instance it might give you a bit of self contained space. A walk to clear a developing "headache" might also help, either with your boyfriend or on your own.


Bear in mind that it's time limited - at least they are not too far away to call in for a few hours rather than having to stay over. Tell yourself this too will pass.

Tiddlywinks

It's one day of many... and a time to compromise which is what couples do.

You intend to be with your OH forever... So this 'problem' will be here for many years to come.

Accept that sometimes people are never going to be your bestest friends and that all families are different.

Go, be yourself, smile when you can and then go home - it's just half a day in a whole year.

red_devil

Agree, go for a nit and support him. Im sure there are many others who are in the same boat. My oh isnt keen on my dad but had always said he will take me to see him if i want him too.

Amandaj32

I wish I could help but unfortunately I am in a similar situation.

The only thing I can say is, years after doing what everyone else wants, I have finally decided to be strong and do what I want to do.
OH's parents, although very nice people, make me feel worthless. I havent spoken to his Mother for about two months yet we have been TOLD we are going there on Boxing Day for a Chinese Takeaway. This is her response to being told we are not exchanging presents.
Now, I have just found out my Dad who I am only recently back in touch with, is having his Christmas meal on Boxing Day.

After an honest discussion with OH he has agreed that we change the day with his parents to Christmas Eve and therefore I can see my Dad on Boxing Day. It was very uncomfortable for me to be so honest and I hope it doesnt have repercussions for him but I just felt I needed to let him know my feelings are important too.

DKLS

pops5588 wrote: »

Just need to kind of vent a bit I guess. Obviously OH and I bought a house together this year, it's our first Christmas as homeowners but won't be spending it at home.

After some pretty tense negotiations, we are doing 9-4 at my mother's house and 4-9 at his family's house. I know it sounds bad, but I hate going to his house and the closer Christmas gets the more I'm dreading it in the pit of my stomach.

In an ideal world what would you and your husband like to do for xmas day? not what is expected or demanded by others.


Your version sounds like doing a couple of shifts! please try and remember it is just another day with extras.

Cottage_Economy

From our very first Christmas together hubby and I made it clear that Christmas mornings were for us. Some people in our families think as we do not have children we are being selfish by staying at home in the morning (and not staying over Christmas Eve with them or arriving at the crack of dawn Christmas morning) but my husband is exhausted come Christmas and deserves the lie in!

And I like the ritual of going downstairs, putting the kettle on, lighting the fire, putting on some music and enjoying 1-2 hours leisurely chatting and unwrapping presents, then having a nice breakfast, a shower (with my new smellies) and getting ready to leave the house by about 12:00 or getting on with the lunch if people are coming to us.

So we would take it in turns, one set of parents on Christmas Day (for mine we would only stay 2-3 hours due to my father's poor attitude), then the other set Boxing Day. Then FIL became ill so my hubby wanted to see both his parents on Christmas Day, and for a few years my parents were happy to sit in the background and see us Boxing Day. Now FIL has passed away, we are finding our feet in a new arrangement. Hubby wants to see his mother on Christmas Day every year because she is elderly and a little infirm, so we have agreed that on those years when it is my parents 'turn' we will always go across to see his mum in the evening, usually at his brother's house.

No matter what happens or how hectic it gets, I always feel I have that time on Christmas morning as ours. It's my breathing space from the craziness.

nimbo

pops5588 wrote: »

This would be better ideally, but the only problem is that because my grandparents are quite poorly (especially my grandpa) they are normally out for the count by about 4pm and go back home so I wouldn't get to see them or spend as much quality time with them which is important to both me and OH.

Thank you very much for all the advice and suggestions. It has actually really helped just to put how I feel down in writing and talk it through! Feeling much more prepared for it today. Hope it continues!

call me mean, but I'd say - why not do 11- 2 at his parents house....

2 til close of play at your parents house - citing the poorly grandparents, and the need for your family to serve chrimbo dinner at about 2.30 - 3.00 (also are your folks closer to home? - coz that way you can say it's so you can walk home, and both have a tipple or twelve)...

I hate the politics of Christmas, but have to say I love the morning when we get to open stockings, and have coffee in bed... (we're slowly making our own traditions, and learning to please ourselves)...