Christmas Angst.

quidsy

Could you not borrow your parents car the night before, visit his family in the morning, you nip off after an hour to yours & he meet you there later?

That way you both get the christmas you enjoy, he can do the fake "happy functional family at christmas" routine that they put on & you eat with your family & have a nice time there.

jetplane

pops5588 wrote: »

I am by no means a psychologist, but I have a theory.

His mother's alcoholism has got steadily worse for the last 10 years and he has a lot of bad memories. At her best she is insulting, at her worst she has phoned the police saying that OH and his father are trying to kill her and he has ended up locked in a cell overnight. There have been a lot of difficult times.

At Christmas, they all seem to sit down together (which they never do) forget all the bad stuff (or stick your head in the sand as I like to call it) and do the same things year after year. He never has any routine with them and I think he really enjoys having that one day where they watch the same films together, eat the same food together etc.

That's just my theory anyway. I could be very wrong.

ETA: Just to say, one of the reasons I love him and value him so much is because he is a good man with a kind soul. Despite everything that has been said and done to him, he still loves his mum because she is his mother. He is a better person than I and I wish I were better at putting up with it for him.

I think you have great insight into this situation and it so frustrating to see the man you love want to spend time with the mother who doesn't deserve him. I wouldn't waste my energy trying to second guess his families reasons for hostility but I would support him by being there. You probably know why he retreats into himself and you know that it will never match up to his expectations and that he will probably breathe a silent sigh of relief when you leave.

However if it really is going to make you ill then unfortunately he will have to go alone.

Oakie

Could the older brother just simply be jealous? Your OH is in a happy relationship with his own home.Or in other words he is the only one of the brothers who managed to 'escape', and you are the one who made it possible !!
After you have made all the 'duty' visits you will have Xmas Eve and Boxing day to yourselves.

pops5588

I think I will still go. But I definitely think the suggestion of OH having a quiet word with his family before the day is a good one. At least then if it's still a disaster I can say I tried, you tried, it isn't going to change so never again.

I do think next year I am going to do what most of you suggest. Stay at home just the two of us, but say that anyone who wants to pop over to say hi is welcome but it's our Christmas.

It would definitely be easier if OH's youngest brother was here. I was pretty gutted when he said he wasn't coming back. Eek. I also think it would be better if I wasn't the only girlfriend.

It really is surprising even to me how much the thought of going there affects me. I'm all flushed and churning!!

@margaretclare I think formal was probably the wrong word. It definitely is no Downton Abbey, I guess what I meant is that I can't relax. I very much sit straight and shut up.

pops5588

Oakie wrote: »

Could the older brother just simply be jealous? Your OH is in a happy relationship with his own home.Or in other words he is the only one of the brothers who managed to 'escape', and you are the one who made it possible !!
After you have made all the 'duty' visits you will have Xmas Eve and Boxing day to yourselves.

Yes my mum has run this jealousy idea by me. He could be I suppose, but I find it odd if that is the reason because he is hardly active in trying to rectify the situation. In the 5 years I've been around he has never gone on a date, never had a partner, nothing.

Maybe if there was another girlfriend it would be easier, I would have someone to share the stress with!! I long for the day.

belfastgirl23

Honestly I think you need to reframe this.

Your DH who you clearly love needs your support here. He desperately wants his family to be like yours and they aren't, they're difficult. I can tell you from personal experience that it's heartbreaking having alcoholism in the family and it can destroy the relationships. But somehow it's really important to your DH that this Christmas happens. Why not free yourself from all of the angst and difficulty and tell him, with a smile on your face, that you can see it is really important to him and you want to support him. And just do it. Put your own feelings aside. You are very very lucky to have such a strong and supportive family. Maybe you need to be that family for him now.

Yes it will be uncomfortable and difficult, and it's reasonable to at least make him aware that you worry about him being different with you when they are around. But also free yourself from any expectations about the family. You are there for your husband, not for them and not for yourself. Therefore whatever happens happens, you don't have control over it.

But I'd say do it and do it willingly for love. I know this is soppy and oldfashioned but I really think he needs your support on this.

(sorry I know this is quite different from what others have posted but I do feel sort of strongly about this!)

jetplane

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Honestly I think you need to reframe this.

Your DH who you clearly love needs your support here. He desperately wants his family to be like yours and they aren't, they're difficult. I can tell you from personal experience that it's heartbreaking having alcoholism in the family and it can destroy the relationships. But somehow it's really important to your DH that this Christmas happens. Why not free yourself from all of the angst and difficulty and tell him, with a smile on your face, that you can see it is really important to him and you want to support him. And just do it. Put your own feelings aside. You are very very lucky to have such a strong and supportive family. Maybe you need to be that family for him now.

Yes it will be uncomfortable and difficult, and it's reasonable to at least make him aware that you worry about him being different with you when they are around. But also free yourself from any expectations about the family. You are there for your husband, not for them and not for yourself. Therefore whatever happens happens, you don't have control over it.

But I'd say do it and do it willingly for love. I know this is soppy and oldfashioned but I really think he needs your support on this.

(sorry I know this is quite different from what others have posted but I do feel sort of strongly about this!)

I don't think your sloppy I think you understand the family dynamics and alcoholism. My posts were similar to yours, though maybe not so clear cut.

LannieDuck

It's important to OH, so I would make an effort this year. But I'd make it very clear that I was doing it for him and that if it upset me again, I wouldn't put myself through it in future (either both going to your respective families, or having xmas together at home).

As others have said, have a chat with OH in advance and explain how awkward and upsetting you find it. Maybe he can have a word with his family, or make an effort to include you more.

When you're there, make an effort to be chatty and engage the brothers in conversation. You might be ignored, but at least your OH can't say you didn't try.

I would also switch the two visits around. Go to OH's in the morning and yours in the afternoon. That way you won't spend the morning dreading the afternoon, and you'll finish xmas on a high.

travelgran

Agree with changing the am/pm. Why not 11-3 with his family, 4-9 with your family?

BugglyB

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Honestly I think you need to reframe this.

Your DH who you clearly love needs your support here. He desperately wants his family to be like yours and they aren't, they're difficult. I can tell you from personal experience that it's heartbreaking having alcoholism in the family and it can destroy the relationships. But somehow it's really important to your DH that this Christmas happens. Why not free yourself from all of the angst and difficulty and tell him, with a smile on your face, that you can see it is really important to him and you want to support him. And just do it. Put your own feelings aside. You are very very lucky to have such a strong and supportive family. Maybe you need to be that family for him now.

Yes it will be uncomfortable and difficult, and it's reasonable to at least make him aware that you worry about him being different with you when they are around. But also free yourself from any expectations about the family. You are there for your husband, not for them and not for yourself. Therefore whatever happens happens, you don't have control over it.

But I'd say do it and do it willingly for love. I know this is soppy and oldfashioned but I really think he needs your support on this.

(sorry I know this is quite different from what others have posted but I do feel sort of strongly about this!)

I completely agree. He probably already has a good idea that its not fun for you and I'm sure he would appreciate your support. If you think that its important for you to be together at Christmas then thats what you have to be - together - against the world and its crazy uncle.

I would limit the time but just suck it up, smile and rise above it all.