Christmas Angst.

pops5588

Gigglepig wrote: »

How old are the brothers and have you tried to socialise with them without the mother and father in law? I would try invite them over to your house, where your OH is his normal self.

Agree with the others your OH does need to stand up for you but it sounds as though it might be very difficult for him at the moment. It might be easier for him to do so on his own turf.

Are you sure the older brother dislikes you specifically? If their mum is an alcoholic, and things arent great at home, perhaps it is very awkward and embarassing for them to have someone in their home to witness the misery? ( Kids often try to cover up the issues their parents have)

The oldest is nearly 30 and the other middle brother is 22. I have tried to socialise with them separately, have had a couple of chances as OH's parents go away a fair bit. Ignored. We invited them to our house. Middle brother turned up alone for 5 mins and pretty much ignored me (but I am still happy he did because it meant a lot to OH to be able to share it with his family a bit more) and oldest brother hasn't accepted our invitation. In 4 months he hasn't turned up.

He does dislike me, but I just have no clue why. If there was a reason I could accept it and move on but it truly is baffling. It may be awkward and uncomfortable for him, who knows. But I'm inclined to believe that isn't his problem as he doesn't seem to care too much about his mother's alcoholism. I've seen him laugh and make jokes about it a couple of times.

sooty&sweep

If it were me I'd develop a migraine just before you're due to his parents & have to go home or bob in briefly & then go home.
Or a cold if you want to give everyone notice.

Sorry to those that will call me a chicken but as important as I believe families are I think you have the right to look forward to & enjoy christmas.

There are 365 days in the year why does everyone think it important to see you on that one particular day ?

Jen

PasturesNew

quidsy wrote: »

Time to make your own christmas tradtions & one of them should be not hanging around for 12 whole hours with each others families.

This is the route out ....

You're a family now ..... and it's time you made your traditions. Visit the parents, by all means, on Xmas Day, but Xmas needs to be YOURS, not torture.

pops5588

catkins wrote: »

Why does your OH want to go to his family for Christmas if he doesn't particularly get on with them and they make it so awful?

I am by no means a psychologist, but I have a theory.

His mother's alcoholism has got steadily worse for the last 10 years and he has a lot of bad memories. At her best she is insulting, at her worst she has phoned the police saying that OH and his father are trying to kill her and he has ended up locked in a cell overnight. There have been a lot of difficult times.

At Christmas, they all seem to sit down together (which they never do) forget all the bad stuff (or stick your head in the sand as I like to call it) and do the same things year after year. He never has any routine with them and I think he really enjoys having that one day where they watch the same films together, eat the same food together etc.

That's just my theory anyway. I could be very wrong.

ETA: Just to say, one of the reasons I love him and value him so much is because he is a good man with a kind soul. Despite everything that has been said and done to him, he still loves his mum because she is his mother. He is a better person than I and I wish I were better at putting up with it for him.

margaretclare

Just a bit of input from an earlier generation...

I decided many, many years ago that if people did not like me there was nothing I could do about it. Trying to 'make them like me' was never successful and only resulted in accusations of 'trying to suck up to them'. Be yourself, or as Shakespeare put it 'to thine own self be true'.

Regarding Christmas, there's an awful lot of nonsense which has grown up around this time of year. Your description of your OH's family's goings-on sound awful. 'They make a lot of Christmas' but they seem to have escaped the basic idea of it, a time of peace and goodwill. How do you mean 'formal'? No one does 'formal' nowadays, at least not in ordinary families - do you mean the 'Downton Abbey' kind of formal?

Most people whom I hear about either (a) have developed their own traditions or (b) suffer agonies trying to 'fit in' to other people's ideas. Why this should be the case for just one day out of the year, I don't know.

For myself, apart from DH and I going to church and I still send Christmas cards, most of the rest of it is ignored and passes us by. Those to whom it would have meant something are no longer with us. It's just one day! Splitting it into 9-4 and 4-9 with other people leaves no time at all for your own wishes, hopes, concerns. Start as you mean to go on in your new home.

HTH

CKgeordieinlondon

pops5588 wrote: »

We discussed that but we did say that we did both want to stay together. We have never spent a full Christmas together before.

Thats sweet but really is it worth the stress?
Presumably you'll wake up together.
So set the alarm and have a lovely breakfast and exchange gifts.Then you can a have some quality time with your respective families.
Then when you meet up you can a good old laugh,b*tch or moan about the events of the day

If transport's a problem stay over at your mams and get the bus/train home in the morning.

You've still got Boxing day

Myself and my partner have spent about 6 christmasses together out of a possible 24. Maily due to our families living at opposite ends of the country.

I've resigned myself to never spending christmas in my own home.

BitterAndTwisted

Sorry, but if it's so important to him to spend time with his family on Christmas Day I'd let him go on his own. There's no chance in hell that I'd be dragged to his parents' house to be treated like a pariah and insulted in such a vile way.

That it's causing difficulties between the two of you is rather worrying. This is your first Christmas in your new home so you really do need to start as you mean to go on or this will continue to be a source of unhappiness for as long as the parents live. Do you really want to have to tolerate their !!!!!! for the next twenty years?

Put your foot down now.

jetplane

Christmas brings out the best and worst and although I would be tempted to push his family to 10 or 11 am you have already argued and this is the compromise. Don't let your first xmas be ruined so just spend the time at their house looking forward to the latter part of the day.

Its no good second guessing why he feels the need to be with his family either. I have a similar experience every xmas for the last 20 years, but I wouldn't dream of not going with my husband. We spend a whole day visiting, not xmas day though, and I have often thought why does he bother? But it is important to him, so it is important to me. He knows how I feel about it and he doesn't like that I would rather not be there and he appreciates that I do it solely for him.

Once you leave his family home leave it there, don't dwell on it or cast it back. You have a full year to make plans for next Xmas, you will have the evidence of this Xmas day to use to change plans and start your own traditions. In fact I would say that our visiting day has become one of our xmas traditions :rotfl:

At Xmas we are bombarded with images of peace, harmony and magic but you will find many threads on here over the coming weeks with family's arguing and dreading their visitors.

paddy's_mum

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

There's no chance in hell that I'd be dragged to his parents' house to be treated like a pariah and insulted in such a vile way.

I do agree but I also feel that it's in the OP's own interest to try, just one last time, to resolve the situation.

If, after her OH's quiet word in their ear, they agree to behave like civilised people, well and good but if they decide to continue to behave as pig ignorant cretins, the OP is then on the inviolable ground that she genuinely tried.

Whichever way it goes, the situation, for her, improves.

Result

claire16c

catkins wrote: »

Why does your OH want to go to his family for Christmas if he doesn't particularly get on with them and they make it so awful?

In over 30 years we have only been to OH's parents on Christmas Day once (not for the whole day). It was so awful - the tv was on the whole time, none of the presents were wrapped (just handed to us), the meal was horrible, his mum just moaned and !!!!!ed the whole time - we never went again.

We have spent every Christmas Day with my family (parents, siblings and their other halves, nieces, nephews and their girlfriends and boyfriends) and we have a lovely time. My family make a big thing of Christmas - no tv all day, lots of silly games, lots of chatting and laughing, sitting in a circle opening presents one at a time etc).

Christmas should be a happy time not spent with people you don't get on with

Similar situation to me.

This will be my 11st Christmas with my DH. Apart from the first when wed only just started going out, and the 2nd he was in the army, and I think possibly no. 4 he was on tour with the army, we've spent each one at my parents.

Sounds very selfish but there is no point going to his families. Firstly they live 6 hours away so its an expensive train journey away - neither of us like driving long distances. That also means we would be trapped in their house with no transport, plus would have to have taken extra time off work just to get up there.

Their day sounds like one a bit above, whereas the one we have at my parents is always really fun.

His parents are divorced, Dad lives abroad so thats not an issue about seeing him. And his Mum has his brother living nearby who for the past few years has had kids, so they all spend the day together as they like, and we do the same, no hard feelings. Sometimes DH goes up there about a month before to see them all. Not to mention his mum often works on xmas day anyway as she can earn a lot more that day obviously.

Luckily DH has never expected me to go up there. Id probably stay here if he did.

I get on ok with his family but when I first met them it was a bit awkward and there was no way Id have wanted to have spent xmas day with them.

I think your DH needs to realise that its not a fun day for you, and either tell his family to sort themselves out, or just not expect you to go. He must see the difference between the two atmospheres so he shouldnt want to put you through that. Id be really annoyed with my DH if he started acting different around them. Infact years ago when we were up there, my BIL sent me a rude text message when I asked when him and DH were coming back from somewhere as I was stuck in the house with his mum with nothing to do, so I sent a rude one back. DH thought it was hilarious, his brother didnt, but my DH stuck up for me and was like you cant just text her stuff like that what do you expect! ( I think his girlfriend was not as able as me to stand up to stuff like that!)