Christmas Angst.

pops5588

Just need to kind of vent a bit I guess. Obviously OH and I bought a house together this year, it's our first Christmas as homeowners but won't be spending it at home.

After some pretty tense negotiations, we are doing 9-4 at my mother's house and 4-9 at his family's house. I know it sounds bad, but I hate going to his house and the closer Christmas gets the more I'm dreading it in the pit of my stomach.

His family aren't close to each other, but for some reason take Christmas mega seriously. OH has had a hard time with family stuff and I know that he really makes the most of Christmas. This will be our 5th Christmas together and I have only made an appearance at his house once before.

His oldest brother decided he didn't like me before he had even met me for some completely unknown reason as we have never had so much as a conversation. So he ignores me. One of the middle brothers pretty much copies whatever the oldest does so ignores me too. The youngest brother was the only one who bothered with me, but he left the country about 6 months ago and has decided not to come back for Christmas their mother is an alcoholic and their father doesn't talk much.

It's just so uncomfortable. I get quite anxious and tense in situations where I'm not comfortable around people and I have had CBT in the past to help with this, but I'm just dreading it.

It's all just so formal, and uncomfortable and eurgh. There's no friendliness or anything. OH also turns into a completely different person around them and retreats into himself so I can't even get anything out of him. I hardly ever see them but when I do I just sit, alone and not really involved in anything.

I have tried in the past. I've actually tried really hard to get them to like me, but I definitely gave up after a couple of years because I just wasn't getting anything back from them. They're just not bothered. They don't even care enough to hate me!

Anybody in a similar situation? Any tips for how to be less stressed out about it??

quidsy

Umm, no real advice but where has the 9-4/4-9 time frame come from?

Why not do 2hrs max at each then spend the rest of the day at home together enjoying yourself.

I personally ould not be pressurised into spending 5hrs with people who ignore me & or exclude or make me feel uncomfortable.

Time to make your own christmas tradtions & one of them should be not hanging around for 12 whole hours with each others families.

I my family we all spend the morning at our own houses then go to whoever is doing dinner that years around 3pm & are usually at home by 7-8pm. And we are all very close. But appriciate time with our own little units as well as together. 12hrs out on Christmas day is about 8hrs too long imo.

busiscoming2

Why do you have to spend so long at either parents house? As this is your first year in your own home, start as you mean to go on. If you have left it too late this year, you at least have eleven months to decide to change things.

On a proactive note, do you have a tablet or suchlike you could take with you and 'play' on for some of the time? How about some sewing or knitting? Google 'sock monkey' they are easy to make and you can use an old pair of socks. At least it will keep you occupied. Take an mp3/ipod to listen to or a book to read.

How about suggesting you all go out for a walk, or failing that if it is a reasonable distance from your own home, suggest you and OH go for a walk and he can show you childhood haunts etc.

tiger_eyes

Agree with the above.

If everyone is going to ignore you anyway, I'd suggest bringing your own entertainment. A good book, a jigsaw puzzle, a cryptic crossword, whatever will keep you engrossed so you won't be worrying about the world's most awkward family Christmas.

Brighton_belle

I'm not surprised you are dreading it. Seems an entirely healthily normal response.
Confidence with age means I would now have no problem in declining to go to his family.
I would explain clearly and calmly exactly why to my OH, that as he felt unable to support me (because clearly he finds being there very difficult as well) I could not put myself through such misery.

However, my much younger self would have felt I wasn't worth more than this and would think it was all my fault anyway.
This problem is no going to go away. Does your OH realise how he behaves at his parents house?

quidsy

Of course if you wanted to really have fun then if the brothers ignore & dislike you spend all day bugging the crap out of them, ask lots of questions, show a ridiculous amount of interest in them & what they ahve been up to & plan to do in the next year. It will if nothing else amuse you enough to pass the time.

dizsiebubba

It took time but eventually I just told my OH his mum makes me uncomfortable so I can only do an hour max... If he wants to stay longer he can but I go home.

If you are meant to be together you should be honest and you should both be happy.

CH27

Visit each set of parents for an hour or so & then spend the rest of the day together in your new home.

delain

quidsy wrote: »

Of course if you wanted to really have fun then if the brothers ignore & dislike you spend all day bugging the crap out of them, ask lots of questions, show a ridiculous amount of interest in them & what they ahve been up to & plan to do in the next year. It will if nothing else amuse you enough to pass the time.

And on the plus side they might not invite you back!:rotfl:

lika_86

Why can't you spend Christmas with your own respective families?

paddy's_mum

Is the in law's house near enough to walk home?

If so, I'd ask your partner to drop a word in his family's ear that it would really please him if they'd stop all the silliness and behave in a civil manner towards you.

If they don't, having been given fair warning, then you either get to your feet and make your own way home or see the afternoon out but make it very clear to your partner that you won't be going to the in law's ever again.

It's so unnecessary as well as unkind and if children come along, very shortsighted. Stupid people!