Christmas Angst.

securityguy

"Visit each set of parents for an hour or so & then spend the rest of the day together in your new home."

Why? Why not just spend Christmas in your new home. If your parents want to see you, they can visit for an hour. Start as you mean to go on.

pops5588

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will be totally honest and say that I wanted to spend a fair bit of the day at my mum's house mainly because my grandparents aren't very well and I would like to make the most of it while they are still around. Also my sister has moved back and I haven't spent a Christmas with her for a few years. OH is much closer to my family and they are very warm and accepting towards him so in my head the two situations aren't really comparable, but he said that if we are spending that time at my old house we should also spend time at his old house.

Like I said, the negotiations were very tense. Fair bit of arguing involved actually

@Brighton Belle, yes I have told him. He accepts that he is much more quiet and reserved around them. I can see he does his best when we are there but...I guess it's just what happens.

I do feel bad because he has had a really tough life, and I think he will find it hard to let go of his Christmas traditions with his family. It's the one day of the year they actually all interact and act like a normal family. I just can't quite bear it!

pops5588

lika_86 wrote: »

Why can't you spend Christmas with your own respective families?

We discussed that but we did say that we did both want to stay together. We have never spent a full Christmas together before.

emmaj30

And what does your other half do when his family arent being pleasant to you??
You have said that OH had family problems before and its a big thing for him christmas but if you feel like a spare part , go in separate cars and go to his house later on. Whats the point of being miserable at his just to show your face.
How about speaking to your OH and saying you want to comprimise. Explain how awkward you feel and you would like to stay at your familys and pop in later. If he does not agree well say you want to be included with all the family and made to feel welcome. If he cant be bothered to do that, stand your ground and say you arent going then. Everyones grown ups and if they cant be bothered to make the effort , well then why the hell should you. Good luck

pops5588

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Is the in law's house near enough to walk home?

Sadly no but if I get that desperate I am prepared to do it anyway!

Gigglepig

How old are the brothers and have you tried to socialise with them without the mother and father in law? I would try invite them over to your house, where your OH is his normal self.

Agree with the others your OH does need to stand up for you but it sounds as though it might be very difficult for him at the moment. It might be easier for him to do so on his own turf.

Are you sure the older brother dislikes you specifically? If their mum is an alcoholic, and things arent great at home, perhaps it is very awkward and embarassing for them to have someone in their home to witness the misery? ( Kids often try to cover up the issues their parents have)

pops5588

emmaj30 wrote: »

And what does your other half do when his family arent being pleasant to you??
You have said that OH had family problems before and its a big thing for him christmas but if you feel like a spare part , go in separate cars and go to his house later on. Whats the point of being miserable at his just to show your face.
How about speaking to your OH and saying you want to comprimise. Explain how awkward you feel and you would like to stay at your familys and pop in later. If he does not agree well say you want to be included with all the family and made to feel welcome. If he cant be bothered to do that, stand your ground and say you arent going then. Everyones grown ups and if they cant be bothered to make the effort , well then why the hell should you. Good luck

He does try to get me involved in conversation and to make room for me in the dialogue but it just doesn't happen. I can't say he hasn't tried because he really has, they just aren't interested in putting the effort in. In a way it would be easier if they openly insulted me with words because that is something you can actively cut out and put a stop to, but when they're isolating you i think it's much harder to deal with.

Unfortunately we can't afford to run two cars at the moment so we share the one so going our separate ways and joining up later isn't possible. I could look into public transport?

Brighton_belle

pops5588 wrote: »

OH is much closer to my family and they are very warm and accepting towards him so in my head the two situations aren't really comparable, but he said that if we are spending that time at my old house we should also spend time at his old house.

@Brighton Belle, yes I have told him. He accepts that he is much more quiet and reserved around them. I can see he does his best when we are there but...I guess it's just what happens.

Can you suggest to him he is not comparing like with like? I.e he gets to spend x hrs in your parents home where he is warmly welcomed and every interacts pleasantly with him...you have to spend the same x hrs at his being coldly ignored. Not comparable.
I do understand re him going withdrawn at his parents and that it's an instinctive reaction of his that would take a huge leap forward in self awareness for him to change.

catkins

Why does your OH want to go to his family for Christmas if he doesn't particularly get on with them and they make it so awful?

In over 30 years we have only been to OH's parents on Christmas Day once (not for the whole day). It was so awful - the tv was on the whole time, none of the presents were wrapped (just handed to us), the meal was horrible, his mum just moaned and !!!!!ed the whole time - we never went again.

We have spent every Christmas Day with my family (parents, siblings and their other halves, nieces, nephews and their girlfriends and boyfriends) and we have a lovely time. My family make a big thing of Christmas - no tv all day, lots of silly games, lots of chatting and laughing, sitting in a circle opening presents one at a time etc).

Christmas should be a happy time not spent with people you don't get on with

delain

pops5588 wrote: »

He does try to get me involved in conversation and to make room for me in the dialogue but it just doesn't happen. I can't say he hasn't tried because he really has, they just aren't interested in putting the effort in. In a way it would be easier if they openly insulted me with words because that is something you can actively cut out and put a stop to, but when they're isolating you i think it's much harder to deal with.

Unfortunately we can't afford to run two cars at the moment so we share the one so going our separate ways and joining up later isn't possible. I could look into public transport?

I don't know where you are but public transport round here stops dead on Christmas day. Nothing. Which is why the Taxi's are all on tariff 3, which doesn't even bear thinking about!