How to get through Christmas without a row

LannieDuck

z.n wrote: »

While the children are young enough you could let DH have his way- keep the gifts very low key. After all, with small kids the presents part is mainly for the giver-the kids are happy with any old toot. Just jazz things up with some party games or similar 'free' activity supervised by Dad. But there will come a year when the kids really notice and are disappointed. Did you say how old the children are?

I'd be very careful about this. If you let him do it his way for the next 5 years (say), it's going to be really, really hard to change it later on.

From the descriptions on this thread, I don't think he'll especially care if the children are upset - they'll be told to be grateful for what they've been given and how badly behaved they're being in front of his family (feel free to correct me, OP).

mucklebones

OP not only does he sound controlling but you sound controlled, you are quick to defend him and sweep away his behaviour with excuses.

I would just like to say you sound lovely and deserve much better for yourself and your children. Speak up make yourself heard and and live your life the way you want to, its too short to be unhappy.

shelley_crow

Personally, I'd refuse to cater for his family. If they are going to come into your house and disrespect you then scr3w them, they wouldn't be let over the threshold. If hubby has a problem with this then he would be welcome to remedy it by booking a meal out at his own expense for them, I'd be going nowhere! It'd be a cold day in Hell that I'd allow someone into my home and let them upset my other half, family or not. My tolerance of obnoxious people is minimal and no exceptions are made for family.

I agree with LannieDuck as well, maybe look into part time work to build up your own pot of money. I can't imagine keeping my spouse poor and begrudging my kids of a few presents, while splashing out x £100s on a luxury item for myself. It crosses my mind that he's treating you more like a nanny/housemaid rather than his wife and the mother of his children.

FBaby

My head is a 100% with your husband, my heart 100% with you. I totally agree with your husband that most of small christmas presents we get our kids end up a complete waste of money and save the excitment of seeing so many presents under the tree and the fun of opening the presents, the actual enjoyment of these presents are often not up to the cost of them. If your husband is very much into avoiding any kind of waste, I can totally understand how he feels.

Every year I tell myself that I won't spend as much on the kids and reduce the number of presents, but every single year so far I have failed! I then get angry with myself and decide that the next year will be different!

Saying that it also very much matter about one's financial situation. I can afford to spend what I spend without any repercussions, just less put into saving account that month. I would definitely not do it if I had to use my credit card for it.

However, I have found a way to make the best of it.... I buy them things that I would buy them anyway because they need it... I just make it a Christmas present! So every year now, they get socks, underwear (with funny features), new pyjamas (they only get new ones at Christmas), books (that would buy anyway because I would always encourage them to read), and more clothing they need. The thing is, they love it. They are now 11 and 14 and what did they put on their Christmas list? Not one electronic device or game, but....pyjamas, socks, gloves and books! I even offered to get a couple of books for my boy last September when he mentioned two titles, and his answer was that he wanted to wait until Christmas beccause he loves to have new books then!

Toto

Christmas is one day, I think your issues really lie with the rest of the year. I was in a relationship very much like the one you describe and only when I look back can I see just how dreadful an existence it really was. It's easy to bumble along putting up with things, especially when you have battles like PND to deal with, and so many feelings get lumped in with the depression when really the cause is external.


I think you are going to need to look closely at your relationship and ask yourself if you want to continue as you are? Or do you need to work on aspects of it together, perhaps with couples counselling. I'd also be asking myself if this is the man I want to be with? You sound sad which is such a shame, Christmas around small children should be delightful, not a cause for such anxiety. It doesn't need to be expensive but it should be a time to remember what's important in life, which is, for me anyway, closeness, family, friends, kindness and love.

belfastgirl23

I just wonder if we turned this on its head and heard from OP's husband what it would sound like:

My wife wants to spend a fortune on Christmas presents for our kids but I think we can't afford it and I worry that we're setting up expectations in them that they'll get a lot

His version of the other Christmas morning could have been that his parents wanted to spend time with the baby or that his wife had been so busy running around before Christmas that they hadn't spent any time together.

OP it does sound horrible and I have a lot of sympathy with you. But do you really think it's about controlling behaviour or do you think it's that you have different ideas of how to do Christmas? Only you will know this.

I just worry that it's easy for all of us to think we know the full story but only the OP knows the full story really. And if the OP has suffered from depression in the past sometimes this can colour how we experience things.

In any case I think the best advice is to sit down some time when you're both calm and see if you can negotiate to have a christmas that you can both enjoy.

claire16c

Your husband sounds like a controlling d@£&.

Not exactly sure why you're spending your life with someone like this.

A baby's first Christmas and he's just wanting sex?

Did he even want children?

The fact he made out like it was only you who needed counselling says a lot.

dancingfairy

I agree with a lot of the other posts. I don't think either way of celebrating christmas is right or wrong. Everybody has their own way of celebrating. What matters is that everybody feels listened to and that you are able to compromise. It doesn't sound like it is about the money per se?
With regards to the PND, it must be hard but is it really as bad as you think it is? What I mean is that I wouldn't be surprised if actually you knew you own mind and yes were overemotional and overtired and suffering etc but that it was actually made a lot worse by a partner who doesn't appear to be able to consider your needs at all?
He appears to have issues. I can understand having a need for control but it sounds like it has gone beyond that and got out of hand. It als sounds like his issues are spilling over into the relationship. You sound like you are willing to tackle things, and to compromise on things but what can you do if your partner refuses? How can you make a partnership work if one person refuses to listen to anothers point of view or compromise
I would agree with getting counselling on your own for now. It sounds like you need to have a long hard think about whether you actually would be better off alone. You may struggle financially but may be a lot better off without the stress and hassle. It just doesn't sound right to me at all
Sorry.
I hope things improve for you.
df

marisco_2

I feel exhausted after reading your first post. The emotional strain you are under comes through so strongly. Your focus is on how to get through Xmas, just one day of the year. If I were in a relationship with someone who treated me and the children I had with him so badly I'd be wondering how much longer I could stay involved with him full stop! Sorry, probably not what you want to hear. When was the last time you ever felt really happy as a family, enjoyed each others company and had a bit of fun? Or does your life revolve around how to make decisions based on what the consequences will be?

meritaten

I get really annoyed by people posting 'imaginary' counter posts! we are responding to people who HAVE posted and their concerns and issues. sometimes the forum is entirely supportive and sometimes we point out that they are being a bit 'unreasonable'. To expect the forum to consider 'a phantom poster' ...............well, we cant! we can only go on what the OP posts and respond to that! and to make up a counter post in the guise of the person the OP is posting about - that is arrogant beyond belief! to post as if you were another person about which you know nothing? to me it sounds like you are spoiling for a fight.