How to get through Christmas without a row

tom9980

Regarding the difference of opinion on the amount of presents maybe negotiate a total value of presents to give them instead, setting say a £100 or whatever amount on the total value spent per child may help bring together your different ideas.

I get the impression he is selfish buying the ipad air and wasting money gambling then throwing his toys out the pram when genuine family expenses push your budget further than he would like. The part where he basically controls everything financially is a concern to me no adult should ever be in that position, so that needs a change!

It is also clear you are unhappy and you really need to pinpoint what that is being caused by. I honestly think you need to relax a bit too the whole PND and spending a few days calming down from an argument suggests to me you need to find a way to let go at least a bit.

The fact there is a family business and you don't seem to have an escape from all that stress and have some of your own independence is maybe something you can change a bit as well? its good for everyone to not be so dependant on each other. Do you actually have any interests and friends outside of the family and business? you need an outlet to blow away the cobwebs now and then.

couponqueen123

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Had the most enormous rows. One on Boxing Day morning in our bedroom where it was particularly dreadful because I had said the handbag he had brought me was a little to big for me and asked if I might be able to swap it. He said he was disgusted with my reaction and had shown him up in front of his family. It got so heated we didn't realise our voices travelled to the next bedroom where his brother and wife were and since that day they haven't wanted to spend Christmas with us since. We are terribly energy zapping when we disagree. I get so sad and I get the evils for the rest of the day sometimes into the next. It is such a miserable time.

do you have money of your own each week /month like an allowans just for you , if u do why not save and spend that on the kids for xmas?

if you dont can you sell somestuff to make more money

reading your post has made me cry you and yr kids lifes sound like hell , and i dnt think hes a good dad wanting sex instead of xmas with the kids, stupid man , my o/h would have spent xmas by him self had he tryed that here,

your calling the kids MY kids not OUR kids to me that speaks volumes

and as for the sex dnt give it to him , he cant force you thats RAPE.

as for any xmas presants he gets you just smile and say how lovely they are even if not you wont be first woman to do it

maybe you could start saving for next xmas and that way if its saved for them surely theres no need to worry about it:cool:

best of luck buy the kidswhat you can afford i would and get him nothing and tell him u spent it on the kids ans hes a grown up and seems to not be fussed on gifts

jellyhead

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Perhaps you need to release control.

Ideas: Get DH to do the stockings.

(Tell him there will be no 'leg over' unless you get one too.)

Get DH to do the presents.

What's the worst that might happen ? He actually feels part of the celebrations. The kids will GET presents. maybe not the one's YOU think they wanted, but they'll get something nice.


Then the cooking. Let the family help plan and contibute, delegate to DH's family. If they want something, a particular way, tell them that they can do that then, and allow them into the kitchen to help.

I agree with getting him involved but I think that the children should get something that they've expressed an interest in. Not 'the latest gadget' perhaps, but if they want an ipad then maybe a cheaper tablet rather than a present that is nothing like what they actually wanted.

My husband and I have large families and my children are given a lot off other people, so we both want to cut down, and Santa brings one main present and a stocking. Perhaps if there was less from family I'd want to buy more for them, but I don't know. They only 'need' a couple of things that they like, really.

A furby, for example, if youngest really wanted one then he'd probably get one, but not much else. One year he had the sought-after Mr Squiggles off Santa but some parents were buying the entire collection - every hamster, every accessory, and it's really not necessary. Last year he got the Skylanders game but only had the figures that came in the starter pack, and one more off Grandma. Other kids got the whole collection, but my boy enjoyed planning which one to save up for next and used his pocket money to buy a few more. So I can sort of understand your OH's position on the amount of toys, perhaps - but not if he makes no effort to include something that they are longing for.

I agree with getting people involved in the cooking. Why can't you all go to his parents for christmas?

As for the money, it might sound childish but we budget for pocket money for each of us. If my husband wants to spend money on gadgets he saves up, or buys something and then repays it with pocket money. It's the only way to keep track of our finances, to be honest. He is very clever and is brilliant at most things except for money. I can do money but little else :rotfl:

Could you agree on a budget with your husband with an amount for personal spending for you both? That way you wouldn't be upset about his wasting money on gambling or gadgets, and you could spend yours on the children if you preferred.

Mojisola

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

The first year my DS was born I spent such a nice time buying him lovely gifts and creating his stocking. That morning when DS woke up, my DH could not be shot of him soon enough, to be dispatched to the grandparents so he could come back and have his leg over.

And you went along with that?

This doesn't sound like a problem about Christmas - it's about a controlling partner.

BitterAndTwisted

He sounds like a totally miserable, selfish and controlling swine.

"How to get through Christmas without a row"? Do whatever he wants without question. Anything else would just provide him with an opportunity for more criticism and bickering.

I dunno how you stand it, or can see what's in this miserable marriage for you. There must be some compensations but I'm beggared if I can spot any.

hazyjo

As someone mentioned above, surely that 'legover' should be wanted on both sides. I can see his POV - he probably doesn't take much in the way of hols, he probably sees it as 'you and him' time, not just you both as parents. I have seen a lot of my friends become 'mums' but they seem to forget the 'wife' part.

Is there some way you can have some you and him time away from Christmas? Maybe instead of presents say you're going away for a night in January? He can look forward to that instead. Some good deals online these days.

As for the presents, there's no wrong or right. You feel you're right cos that's what you want for your kids, he feels he's right cos that what life was like for him growing up. The only middle ground is going to be a compromise. Or you do the presents/stocking your way, but he chooses something his way.

I never had a stocking as a kid, I just had presents which I opened in turn with my sister. I suppose it's what you've grown up with and what your kids expect. They probably look forward to it. Would be unfair not to do it now. I liked it my way (just presents), but my sister has always done stockings for her three children.

Jx

justme111

The answer to the original question is :"do not row". Simple.

Prothet_of_Doom

DKLS wrote: »

Silly man should use the tax advantages of using his company to buy the presents. So much more efficient way of buying presents.

Ha ha. :rotfl::eek: Don't do it unless it's welding clamps and an automatic welding helmet, that reacts to the spark from the arc. In which case, you might get away with it. :rotfl:

LannieDuck

Netwizard wrote: »

I'm guessing your DH works hard for his money, so he probably thinks he can afford to treat himself to an ipad?

You're not an equal partner in this relationship, OP. If you disagree with something, he 'considers' it and then decides to do what he wants regardless. He controls 'his' money, he expects you to be delighted with whatever gift he decides to get you (but feels free to criticise your choices for him), and any problems in the marriage are your problems, not his.

I wouldn't be able to live with a partner like that.

A few options (short of the obvious one):

* Agree with him that you'll both have a monthly allowance. This can be spent on anything you want with no criticism (e.g. ipad air, extra presents for childrens' xmas)
* Agree a total budget for children for xmas, and you can spend within that budget as you desire - multiple small gifts or one big gift. As long as you don't go over budget, he mustn't get upset.
* Don't sweat the small stuff and concentrate on the bigger issues - most people only do xmas on one day, so don't fight him to have it spread across two days. Instead concentrate on coming to an amicable agreement about children's present spending so you don't end up arguing about it in front of them.
* Find some employment yourself so you have a pot of money that you control. Demand to retain the same control over it that he retains over the rest of the household finances. Maybe you could pay a % of the household bills equivalent to your total respective annual incomes?

Ultimately, you need to address the problem of his control over the relationship. Maybe try couples counselling again with a stronger counselor who won't allow him to control the conversation? If you give into him all the time, nothing will change - the relationship will continue to function his way. It won't be easy to change after so long.

z.n

This may not be right but there is a good chance his need to control will get worse as time goes on. Your pnd/ongoing depression will at best stay as is and at worst could grow. It is in the interests of all of you that what seems to be a fundamental misalignment of views is resolved and compromise reached. How might things be in two or five or ten years-and how would you like them to be? You need to have that talk if you can. If you can't talk properly then you have some hard decisions to make. In the meantime I would say if I was dealing with this problem with my DH- he wants to be in charge then let him:

While the children are young enough you could let DH have his way- keep the gifts very low key. After all, with small kids the presents part is mainly for the giver-the kids are happy with any old toot. Just jazz things up with some party games or similar 'free' activity supervised by Dad. But there will come a year when the kids really notice and are disappointed. Did you say how old the children are?

If disappointment is a realistic possibility tell him this but then follow his decisions about presents (he wants to be in charge so let him)-then let him deal with the fallout in front of his parents. Also, and this is the assertive bit, tell him just how unhappy you will be if the kids are not smiling all through Christmas so he knows the stakes are high- especially if he expects you to cook dinner for his family while also comforting unhappy children. He needs to realise that giving the kids something nice is not just for them -it is something to make you smile too. Happy kids=happy mum=happy husband. And with pnd, those smiles are worth working for. 'you want to be in charge- feel free-it's all yours' is a threat reserved for when my DH won't compromise. He knows (from one bad experience about 15 years ago) he's risking disaster if he gets it wrong so will immediately enter negotiations/discussions about the best way to proceed.

I should confess though- DH can be very stubborn but ultimately will crawl over burning coals to avoid the kids being upset/disappointed-so he talks the talk but about two days before Christmas panics and historically has spent most of those two days tracking down the last Tracy Island in the UK etc and travelling miles to pick it up. So he was very easy nut to crack!