How to get through Christmas without a row

Counting_Pennies_2

I am at the end of my tether at the moment. I have so much on with my life. I am running two charity events, the last finishes in a few days time. My house has work going on and the family business is requiring a huge amount of my time.


To cap it all, I am dreading Christmas, it is now so close and I wish I could close my eyes and wake up in January.


I have my DH's family coming for Christmas. That in itself is ok, I will try to manage their criticism of how I do Christmas by keeping them out of the kitchen. I will fake as much as I can and do the rest as simply as I can, reminding myself it is just a big roast. Then just cater normally for them over the days before and after the event.


The biggest problem is with DH, I cannot remember a single Christmas since the children came along where it has gone well.


The first year my DS was born I spent such a nice time buying him lovely gifts and creating his stocking. That morning when DS woke up, my DH could not be shot of him soon enough, to be dispatched to the grandparents so he could come back and have his leg over. To him baby's first Christmas was not special enough to warrant the joy of seeing him open his presents and cherishing the time.


Each year since then he resents the stockings, not necessarily because of it stopping him getting his leg over, more he does not see it as necessary. In his day he was given his father's every day sock and in it was an orange and a few other tiny things. He does not like me spending silly amounts of money, equally he does not want a hand in choosing items for the stockings.


For me I give the children a medium sized stocking and fill it with pencils and sharpeners, pants, music and a few toys.


We then end up having huge disagreements over the presents to buy the children from ourselves. I favour one largish present with a smaller one or two extra, where he will only be willing to give one medium present. Such as a doll or a car etc.


The thing is the children don't get a huge amounts of presents. They get one group present from my family such as a box of lego or a Barbie boat, a couple of presents around the £15 mark from an aunt and uncle and a piece of clothing from their granny. They have a few trinkets to open from their god parents if they are lucky. I know they are much luckier than other children, but I detail the above to try to explain they are not being showered by mountains of presents.


If we can afford an ipad air, which my husband bought without hesitation, I feel that we can offer the children a few treats. Perhaps a furbie and another gift or two.


I am getting in such heated debates with DH. He thinks I am being frivolous and I just want to see the joy in their eyes when they open them.


We really have had a hard emotional time these last 6 years. I have had a long bout of PND, and there have been many more sad moments than happy. We have rarely laughed as a family, do so little together as we are always looking after the business and juggling the weekend activities that the children do, it has been really hard going just to keep up with day to day life, and for me I just want to have a light up moment, where with abandon they tear open their paper and get a few things they have put down on their Christmas wish list.


They don't get toys and games at any other time of the year, just Birthdays and Christmas.


I am fed up fighting with DH it happens every year. We always row afterwards, either due to the lack of reaction for a present he has bought me (thrust at me to open when I am taking note of the few things the children are opening) or because the item I have bought him is the wrong colour, size etc.


I am so tired with all the emotions, I just wish the whole thing would go away.

I know I probably sound like a spoilt brat and I will be flamed for moaning over such a silly issue, but it gets me down each year. I either go with what he wants and it ends up being very sedate and the children have a few presents and their years list of wishes for gifts don't get a look in, or I spend a bit more and deal with the fall out of DH in both the run up to Christmas and beyond (not forgetting his very public digs in front of the children about his disapproval of their presents)


Thanks for listening to my offload


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balletshoes

it certainly sounds a very stressful situation OP.
Before I say anything else, can I just ask - does your OH do a good job of encouraging and praising the kids and their efforts and achievements through the year? Is it just what he sees as excess gift-giving that gets him disapproving and making disparaging comments to them?

justanopinion

I don't think you sound like a spoilt brat in the slightest. You sound like a mother who is doing her best to make it a special and memorable occasion for your family and receiving little support from your husband!

Has he ever explained why he has so little interest in making the children's day by buying them presents? It seems a shame he sees it as frivolous.

Christmas can be a trying time as I think emotions are very concentrated and the pressure to have the "perfect" day does get ridiculous.

What does he do to help you if it's his family descending?

Laurajo_2

Crikey...no wonder you're not looking forward to christmas!!!

Whilst I agree that christmas shouldn't be *just* about presents, it is about spreading a bit of joy and spending time as a family.

The delight of coming downstairs and seeing a pile of presents to open is a childhood memory that will be treasured forever....we never got expensive presents, and a lot were homemade (I remember a fort my mam made out of cardboard loo rolls and boxes, I thought it was the bees knees!) so I don't think we were spoilt, but it was still a wonderful time and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about wanting to make the day special for your children.

Is there a reason for his mean-fistedness? It doesn't sound like his making efforts in other areas to get into the christmas spirit, such as doing nice things together as a family (such as watching a Christmassy film drinking cocoa and having popcorn etc). Does he have bad memories of christmas?

If it comes to a choice between trying to make it special for the kids and pee-ing your oh off, I'd do it for the kids everyday.

Hugs, and I hope someone comes along who can offer more constructive advice.

Counting_Pennies_2

balletshoes wrote: »

it certainly sounds a very stressful situation OP.
Before I say anything else, can I just ask - does your OH do a good job of encouraging and praising the kids and their efforts and achievements through the year? Is it just what he sees as excess gift-giving that gets him disapproving and making disparaging comments to them?

He is a good father, he sits and helps with their homework when he is about and will go to their drama productions three times a year and at the weekend will take turns on the football and rugby runs.


He is always twitchy about money being spent.


Only in the last few years did I get access to a joint credit card, before then I had £500 a month to get the families items and had to ask for handouts to cover the rest.


It frustrates me that he will have flutters on the lottery website, and buys scratch cards and plays those machines in service stations but I never tell him he has to stop, just that I find it a waste of money.


The family business, his work, and the family purchases are all put on the credit card as it gives 1% cash back, and then it is charged out to the relevant places, it does sometimes get very high. Especially if we have bought equipment for the business, he has stayed away in hotels and we have had some work done on the house. So he then twitches and I get the blame for the purchases.


He very much likes being in control.


I have a big issue that I suggest things, his instant answer is no, then often my suggestion is the right course of action that he goes for later on down the line. He has conceded today that often I have the sensible solution, but the pain is always there at being disregarded, and always in the wrong.

Counting_Pennies_2

justanopinion wrote: »

I don't think you sound like a spoilt brat in the slightest. You sound like a mother who is doing her best to make it a special and memorable occasion for your family and receiving little support from your husband!

Has he ever explained why he has so little interest in making the children's day by buying them presents? It seems a shame he sees it as frivolous.

Christmas can be a trying time as I think emotions are very concentrated and the pressure to have the "perfect" day does get ridiculous.

What does he do to help you if it's his family descending?

He has explained that he does not like mountains of presents. A few years ago they did have a pile of smaller items, jigsaws, games, little sets of things, I wanted them to enjoy opening lots of presents. I also wanted the fun to go into the next day, so I suggested they save some presents, which he felt was needless.


Last year we went on holiday for Christmas so packed some small things in the case for them to open on the day, a £5 watch and a £20 camera to take photos of the holiday. I then wrapped a duvet set up for each of them and a few toys so they had some lovely things to open when we returned from holiday and had a late Christmas. He does not like the idea of lots of items.


He said to me today that he was given a pool table one Christmas to share with his brother, to explain that it is not necessary to do lots of gifts.


We have purchased my son a small pool table from Toysrus and I would like him to have a Furbie too as he would like one, or the Bat Cave he has had so much fun playing at friends houses.

balletshoes

different families have different christmas habits and traditions - it may be that because in your OH's family they did one big present and nothing else, that he thinks this is the "right" way.

I'm not saying thats what I'd do - my family tradition is lots of pressies, all in a santa sack (we don't have separate stocking pressies), but they don't have to be expensive, or big, pressies. I do agree with your OH about not holding back xmas presents until the next day - in fact i think you'd hate our family tradition of the mad frenzy of unwrapping that goes on at my sisters on christmas morning!

i kinda feel like there is no right or wrong with you guys and the kids' christmas presents, kids don't count how many pressies they've got, and sometimes it can be the most random one which they remember (i vividly recall getting my traditional christmas morning phone call from my nephew years ago when he was 4, i knew Santa was bringing him his first 2-wheel bike, but he didn't even mention the bike when i asked him what he'd got - he was raving over a pen which had different colours in it :rotfl:).

Have you talked to him about the way he dismisses every suggestion you make, without taking the time to consider it first? I think thats worth a try.

justme111

You sound like a person who does not have a good relationship with oh and gets upset about it so it spills into other areas of her life.

Netwizard

I could understand your DHs reaction if you were spending lots and lots of money on the kids (especially at 1 - they don't understand the xmas thing at that age!), but it doesn't sound like you are.

Me as a child, I was quite happy with a £50 scalextric and a chocolate orange!

Listening to some of the younger parents in my office the other day talking about what they were getting their offspring for christmas left me open mouthed! Hunter wellies, designer clothes, Ipads, Ipods etc, and these kids are less than 10 years old, and have no understanding of the value of money.

I'm guessing your DH works hard for his money, so he probably thinks he can afford to treat himself to an ipad?

I can see both sides here really. Not sure what the solution is really. Maybe try and agree a budget for the kids for xmas?

Counting_Pennies_2

justme111 wrote: »

You sound like a person who does not have a good relationship with oh and gets upset about it so it spills into other areas of her life.

That is a very accurate description.


I had counselling to help me through PND and in the last year when things got tough again between the two of us my DH said I needed to get some more counselling to sort myself out.


I said I wanted to go for couple counselling which took for me to be on the verge of walking out for him to agree to come. He came to two sessions, continued to repeat that he was there to support me through my issues, but refused to have any acknowledgement that he might be playing a part in our issues.


The barrage of hatred and evil looks rendered any return for counselling useless. He would cleverly turn any mention from the sessions back to me to make them my fault. It just wasn't worth the retorts so it was a mutually silent agreement there would be no return.


He sees all our issues as mine

balletshoes

How have you coped with christmas and falling out with your OH over it in the past OP?