How to get through Christmas without a row

littlerat

Ummm... I'm still stuck on the part where on his first child's first Christmas, he wanted him shipped off to grandparents ASAP so he could have sex. Clearly, a very emotionally invested father.


I have to be honest, he sounds controlling as hell and like he has absolutely no regard for your feelings. It also sounds like he's allowed to spend as much money as he wants on what he wants, but you're controlled in your allowance. Not allowing access to joint accounts is often listed as a sign of domestic abuse Just does not sound good.

I assume he has some redeeming features, but honestly from what you've said, I'm wondering if you're still with this man for anything but the idea it's better for your children.

msb5262

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time and feeling so low, OP.


What I don't understand is this - why are you with this man? I can't see anything positive for you in the relationship. Living in a household with an atmosphere such as you describe must be awful for the whole family.


In your place I'd be thinking about getting some (individual) counselling and considering the future very carefully.

Counting_Pennies_2

balletshoes wrote: »

How have you coped with christmas and falling out with your OH over it in the past OP?

Had the most enormous rows. One on Boxing Day morning in our bedroom where it was particularly dreadful because I had said the handbag he had brought me was a little to big for me and asked if I might be able to swap it. He said he was disgusted with my reaction and had shown him up in front of his family. It got so heated we didn't realise our voices travelled to the next bedroom where his brother and wife were and since that day they haven't wanted to spend Christmas with us since. We are terribly energy zapping when we disagree. I get so sad and I get the evils for the rest of the day sometimes into the next. It is such a miserable time.

meritaten

Reading your post - your problem isn't Christmas - its your OH. I pity you - to live with a real life Scrooge cant be easy. Your life sounds like a joyless existence. I don't really know what to advise - if you love him and want to stay with him I have no idea how to make Christmas more a celebration and joyful time.
Personally - I couldn't stay with a man who cared so little for his childrens happiness - and was more interested in his xmas 'legover'.

Counting_Pennies_2

littlerat wrote: »

Ummm... I'm still stuck on the part where on his first child's first Christmas, he wanted him shipped off to grandparents ASAP so he could have sex. Clearly, a very emotionally invested father.


I have to be honest, he sounds controlling as hell and like he has absolutely no regard for your feelings. It also sounds like he's allowed to spend as much money as he wants on what he wants, but you're controlled in your allowance. Not allowing access to joint accounts is often listed as a sign of domestic abuse Just does not sound good.

I assume he has some redeeming features, but honestly from what you've said, I'm wondering if you're still with this man for anything but the idea it's better for your children.

He does have redeeming features i just struggle to recognise them when i feel so exhausted. he is a great dad and does genuinely care for me. I do sometimes wonder if it is me or the ideal of me. He is very focused on economics and making money. We have an old house we moved into two years ago which has had new bathrooms plumbing and decorating done so lots of money has been spent on our home. I think when more money is spent he panics and wants to go I to shut down

meritaten

how can you say he is a great dad? my OH has his faults but he certainly doesn't deny his kids anything he can afford for their Christmas presents! he also wouldn't dream of 'palming them off on grandparents so he can get his legover! OH had long been resigned to no nooky from Christmas eve morning to late Boxing day - or beyond! because he thinks the kids come first! He would think your OH a most unnatural father!

Vicky123

Another one with control issues, seems to be a common problem these days, trouble is it has a tendency to grow into an absolute monster if it's left unchecked.
I think he's incredibly selfish, he's spoiling your xmas and the kids with a my way or the highway attitude. He's passive aggressive, refusing to join in with present opening and such like must cause an atmosphere.
Your counselling experience speaks volumes, he refuses to accept any responsibility at all, what do your family think? Do you confide in anyone?

balletshoes

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Had the most enormous rows. One on Boxing Day morning in our bedroom where it was particularly dreadful because I had said the handbag he had brought me was a little to big for me and asked if I might be able to swap it. He said he was disgusted with my reaction and had shown him up in front of his family. It got so heated we didn't realise our voices travelled to the next bedroom where his brother and wife were and since that day they haven't wanted to spend Christmas with us since. We are terribly energy zapping when we disagree. I get so sad and I get the evils for the rest of the day sometimes into the next. It is such a miserable time.

I feel so sad for you - I hope that doesn't sound patronising, I really don't mean it to.
I think christmas is for the kids, I have an OH who was brought up in a country where they don't celebrate christmas, we don't exchange gifts with each other at christmas, but I have free rein over what kind of christmas day our child has - because I had magical christmases as a child and I want my child to have them too.

Would your OH be more amenable to christmas for the kids if you stuck to a budget and didn't have to spend money on exchanging presents between you and him? Or would he think that would show him up with his family?

balletshoes

meritaten wrote: »

how can you say he is a great dad? my OH has his faults but he certainly doesn't deny his kids anything he can afford for their Christmas presents! he also wouldn't dream of 'palming them off on grandparents so he can get his legover! OH had long been resigned to no nooky from Christmas eve morning to late Boxing day - or beyond! because he thinks the kids come first! He would think your OH a most unnatural father!

i do think thats a tad dramatic - not every human, male or female, gets all excited over young children's christmas presents.

Counting_Pennies_2

Vicky123 wrote: »

Another one with control issues, seems to be a common problem these days, trouble is it has a tendency to grow into an absolute monster if it's left unchecked.
I think he's incredibly selfish, he's spoiling your xmas and the kids with a my way or the highway attitude. He's passive aggressive, refusing to join in with present opening and such like must cause an atmosphere.
Your counselling experience speaks volumes, he refuses to accept any responsibility at all, what do your family think? Do you confide in anyone?

Sadly I dont have my family to speak with. My mum has issues and I needed to get some distance between us. When the opportunity came to relocate I moved with dh 100 miles away. I have made some nice friends and the children were born here and happy. My mother has seen the children every year but makes no attempt to visit I always go back but it is hard she wants handouts as she feels we have more money and we were never close as I grew up. I think that was part of the pnd not knowing how to be a mum