How to get through Christmas without a row

Morglin

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I am at the end of my tether at the moment. I have so much on with my life. I am running two charity events, the last finishes in a few days time. My house has work going on and the family business is requiring a huge amount of my time.


To cap it all, I am dreading Christmas, it is now so close and I wish I could close my eyes and wake up in January.


I have my DH's family coming for Christmas. That in itself is ok, I will try to manage their criticism of how I do Christmas by keeping them out of the kitchen. I will fake as much as I can and do the rest as simply as I can, reminding myself it is just a big roast. Then just cater normally for them over the days before and after the event.


The biggest problem is with DH, I cannot remember a single Christmas since the children came along where it has gone well.


The first year my DS was born I spent such a nice time buying him lovely gifts and creating his stocking. That morning when DS woke up, my DH could not be shot of him soon enough, to be dispatched to the grandparents so he could come back and have his leg over. To him baby's first Christmas was not special enough to warrant the joy of seeing him open his presents and cherishing the time.


Each year since then he resents the stockings, not necessarily because of it stopping him getting his leg over, more he does not see it as necessary. In his day he was given his father's every day sock and in it was an orange and a few other tiny things. He does not like me spending silly amounts of money, equally he does not want a hand in choosing items for the stockings.


For me I give the children a medium sized stocking and fill it with pencils and sharpeners, pants, music and a few toys.


We then end up having huge disagreements over the presents to buy the children from ourselves. I favour one largish present with a smaller one or two extra, where he will only be willing to give one medium present. Such as a doll or a car etc.


The thing is the children don't get a huge amounts of presents. They get one group present from my family such as a box of lego or a Barbie boat, a couple of presents around the £15 mark from an aunt and uncle and a piece of clothing from their granny. They have a few trinkets to open from their god parents if they are lucky. I know they are much luckier than other children, but I detail the above to try to explain they are not being showered by mountains of presents.


If we can afford an ipad air, which my husband bought without hesitation, I feel that we can offer the children a few treats. Perhaps a furbie and another gift or two.


I am getting in such heated debates with DH. He thinks I am being frivolous and I just want to see the joy in their eyes when they open them.


We really have had a hard emotional time these last 6 years. I have had a long bout of PND, and there have been many more sad moments than happy. We have rarely laughed as a family, do so little together as we are always looking after the business and juggling the weekend activities that the children do, it has been really hard going just to keep up with day to day life, and for me I just want to have a light up moment, where with abandon they tear open their paper and get a few things they have put down on their Christmas wish list.


They don't get toys and games at any other time of the year, just Birthdays and Christmas.


I am fed up fighting with DH it happens every year. We always row afterwards, either due to the lack of reaction for a present he has bought me (thrust at me to open when I am taking note of the few things the children are opening) or because the item I have bought him is the wrong colour, size etc.


I am so tired with all the emotions, I just wish the whole thing would go away.

I know I probably sound like a spoilt brat and I will be flamed for moaning over such a silly issue, but it gets me down each year. I either go with what he wants and it ends up being very sedate and the children have a few presents and their years list of wishes for gifts don't get a look in, or I spend a bit more and deal with the fall out of DH in both the run up to Christmas and beyond (not forgetting his very public digs in front of the children about his disapproval of their presents)


Thanks for listening to my offload

Your kids are only young once, and the magic of Christmas will soon be a memory, so I would buy them gifts they enjoy, and ignore what your hubby is saying.

Don't get drawn into arguments, just do what you want!

If all else fails, tell him that he's not getting his leg over until Christmas night, and even that promise will depend on his behaviour...;)

Lin

AlexLK

I've not read everything but am here to give a possible solution regarding the rows and your husband's lack of enthusiasm about Christmas.

I used to hate Christmas with a passion, even as a child, mainly because my birthday falls three days after. Anyhow, my wife and I had our first child three years ago. His first Christmas was not at all special, he was 6 weeks old and to be honest I didn't see the point. This year though (his forth Christmas), my wife and I have decided to make it special and create some traditions of our own: we got the decorations up early, started buying presents (this is usually a 24th Dec. mad rush) and got a Christmas Elf for our son who is causing "havoc".

Through getting "into the spirit" I'm actually not looking forward to things going "back to normal" in January.

Dovah_diva

meritaten wrote: »

Yes - but we are being asked about THIS posters version! I cant comment on what their partner or mum or dad would think about it!
we get ONE version of events and as a forum we comment on that. to make up another version of the same event from the viewpoint of a person we don't know is ludicrous............we only know what the OP thinks!

That is dangerous territory though. I have often seen advice being given based on one person's version of events - and some of this advice, if taken, is life changing.

It does no harm to remember we only had one side of a story and it would be wise to tailor advice accordingly.

jellyhead

Different opinions about christmas are fair enough, and most couples can reach a compromise.

What would concern me is his refusing to go to counselling ... I would hope that if we were in that situation that my husband would go to counselling with me even if he thought that I was the only one with a problem - to support me, and help me remember to mention the aspects I most needed help with.

justme111

Laurajo wrote: »

And then his parents shipped him off to his grandparents so they can have a christmas shag

Sorry but it just doesn't pan.

Indeed , a husband appreciated some baby free time on Christmas and they had sex. What a jerk , divorce him.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

Indeed , a husband appreciated some baby free time on Christmas and they had sex. What a jerk , divorce him.

No problem with that if Dad and Mum both wanted some adult time.

If Mum really wanted to spend time with their baby on his first Christmas and Dad took baby away and then came back, wanting sex, that's a problem.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

No problem with that if Dad and Mum both wanted some adult time.

If Mum really wanted to spend time with their baby on his first Christmas and Dad took baby away and then came back, wanting sex, that's a problem.

and maybe there was just a bit of crossed wires because each person was thinking the other knew what they wanted ie OP thought her OH would want to savour taking time over opening the baby's christmas presents, and maybe the OH thought OP would be just as pleased as he was to be able to spend some adult time with their spouse?

justme111

Mojisola wrote: »

No problem with that if Dad and Mum both wanted some adult time.

If Mum really wanted to spend time with their baby on his first Christmas and Dad took baby away and then came back, wanting sex, that's a problem.

Some time with baby ? Give me a break , anybody who had babies knows one. would be able to barely get any time without a baby , not "some time with baby" , you make it sound as if she worked on sugarcane plantation the whole day and could get hold of her baby for 20 minutes a day after paying her duties to a master.
Agreed on what you saying they have a problem. I would not have liked to be in the shoes of a husband who' s wife resents sex with him , does not work , has Pnd and with froth on her lips insists she buys the things that SHE thinks are right(controlling must be contagious) and makes him responsible for her happiness , anger and whatever else she feels.

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

No problem with that if Dad and Mum both wanted some adult time.

If Mum really wanted to spend time with their baby on his first Christmas and Dad took baby away and then came back, wanting sex, that's a problem.

justme111 wrote: »

Some time with baby ? Give me a break , anybody who had babies knows one. would be able to barely get any time without a baby , not "some time with baby" , you make it sound as if she worked on sugarcane plantation the whole day and could get hold of her baby for 20 minutes a day after paying her duties to a master.

Partially quoting changes the meaning of what I said.

FBaby

Eh, the only danger is that a person would really act purely based on the opinions of others. I doubt there is such a person but if there is, they're not competent to be in possession of a computer, never mind be involved in an adult relationship.

So what is the point of posting such advice if it is not for them to reflect on it and consider it valuable?

and maybe there was just a bit of crossed wires because each person was thinking the other knew what they wanted ie OP thought her OH would want to savour taking time over opening the baby's christmas presents, and maybe the OH thought OP would be just as pleased as he was to be able to spend some adult time with their spouse?

Totally agree with that and the reason why trying to understand the other person's perspective can be what is most helpful. Indeed, maybe her husband assumes that OP would be pleased to have that time for them and baby away. Personally, I think Christmas would be missing something without a lovely intimate session. I don't expect it, but see it as a bonus. The problem is that is is clearly not what OP wants, but that doesn't forcibly put him in the wrong or make him a selfish person for it.