How to get through Christmas without a row

balletshoes

picklekin wrote: »

To me it sounds like your husband is a bit jealous of your baby. I know he's not handling things well, but could you arrange to maybe do something together for a short while without the baby this Christmas, when you both open the presents for each other (sorry, but it did sound mean that you weren't interested in what he gave you but only wanted to get on with seeing your child open presents, I'd have been hurt too).

I don't think the OPs children are babies anymore.

FBaby

I like the idea of escaping it all (even now), but in reality I'm not sure that would happen, unless both our children end up travelling or living overseas, or choosing not to spend Xmas with us (which I know is possible but personal experience tells me it's rare.)

Arggg, your ruining it for me! You're right though and deep inside, I am not sure it would become a regular thing, but doing it just once would be lovely, if anything to make me realise that I actually do miss the traditional family Chritsmas after all!!

Reams

Toto wrote: »

Another thought OP, what's he like on birthdays? My ex hated other people's birthdays, in fact I realised one day that every birthday the children had had, he spoilt in one way or another. He was fine on his own birthday though.


It just rang a warning bell for me when you mentioned how he spends money in a carefree manner but he worries about how much the kids have. Do you think it's about the money or him not wanting the kids to be spoilt, or is it about the children being the centre of attention?[/QUOTE] That is very intuitive Toto, fits in with the leg over incident after shipping the baby off, and commenting on having to share a present as a child with his brother.

Too late for this year but I think the way money is divided from the business needs to be sorted.
You must CP be able to have some independence over your own spending, whether that's for a pair of £300 heels or presents for the children. Your OH should be able to spend his on gadgets, lottery or whatever.

The basic pot should be for all normal expenses plus renovations etc, but you need your own money and a little privacy. If all purchases are put on the company card, how do you keep surprise gifts from one another?

Failing that, make him watch "The Grinch". One of the worst films I've ever had to endure.

Business it appears is healthy, or the relatives wouldn't pass comment that you are comfortable.

System

We row every Christmas.... he's always skint and if it wasn't for me our grown up kids would get nothing.


It doesn't help having a son whos birthday is in the first week of January. Hubby tries to lump his Christmas present in with his birthday present which ive told him just isn't fair.


Funnily enough he'd spend a fortune on our Grandson though which I don't understand.

Reams

FBaby wrote: »

I totally disagree with this. I think it is actually very dangerous for any OP not to consider that their version could be very biaised, especially when advise become 'your man is a controlling freak and you should leave him'. Many posters come here because they are vulnerable and struggle to make decisions. It could very well take 4 pages of total strangers saying the above, despite having only one side of a situation for them to take their advice at face value.

I think the best advice we can offer is to offer some suggestion as to how the other person might feel so they can get perspective on their situation and help them understand where misunderstandings lie. It is very rare that situation are black and white, however, it is expectadly common that the account from one side will be black or white.

I see it totally the opposite way. I find extremely arrogant and misguided to tell a total stranger that they should leave their long time partner just on the account of one post probably written at a time of extreme frustration and most likely totally one sided.

The friends I trust the most are those who don't systematically agree with my rants but actually offer reasons for why the person I am ranting about might be acting the way they are. Once the rant is over, I can then reflect on what they say, and realise that the way to deal with the issue is to open up communication with the offender.

But, everyone who posts I believe without exception, accepts the version of Jack in how much to provide thread. You can only comment on the so called facts provided. His wife may have a totally different view, not least why Jack left his comfortable home and children.

This is not a "leave him" thread, this a glitch over how money is spent and a little independence would surely sort it.

Reams

Vicky123 wrote: »

Taking the OP at face value she says the business is taking up a lot of her time, she runs 2 charities and is catering to his family at xmas but what seems to have got lost in all this is the bit about keeping them ot of the kitchen to avoid their criticizing how she does xmas.
This sounds like far more than a disagreement about how to celebrate xmas and more like a person being driven to distraction trying to please an impossibly demanding husband and in-laws while at the same time trying to give her kids a traditional xmas.
If it were me I would try and limp through xmas as it's pretty much here now and then do some serious thinking in the New Year before being burnt out, maybe suggest he's right after all, dreadful fuss over xmas, all that cooking and present buying so lets make a start and next year ditch the in-laws.

Agree, and as to the practicalities, ban anyone from the kitchen who doesn't help and more importantly who you have not delegated a job to and make sure all drinks are in the sitting room and overseen by H.

I'm very good at shooing chatterers away when I cook. I shut the kitchen door firmly on them and my face says they're not welcome. I don't want to hear about their cousin's next door neighbour's auntie's friend who's having an affair.

Reams

balletshoes wrote: »

I don't think the OPs children are babies anymore.

I don't think so either but the fact she's had it on her mind after all these years makes me very sad.

Reams

justme111 wrote: »

Indeed , a husband appreciated some baby free time on Christmas and they had sex. What a jerk , divorce him.

You just don't get it, do you?

justme111

Reams wrote: »

You just don't get it, do you?

Well if you don't get me it doesn't mean I don't... I feel op's angst , her original post was very highly emotionally charged so we all do I guess. What I say is that there is not enough information to conclude anything else apart from her not being happy. Her not being happy does not equal to him being a !!!!!!! or the most appropriate solution being dumping him. Too little coherent info in the op to make this conclusion with a reasonable degree of accuracy. Moreover , original poster seems to be so all over the place that it would make one think she is not in a place where she would be able to take sound decisions specially so important ones like divorce. But if you prefer to think I don't get it that's your prerogative , I wonder whether anybody told you that saying "you just dont get it " is not polite though , I would think you don't talk to.people in that way habitually.

HelenJulie

Reading your posts have made me very very sad as I can see shades of my own life in what you say.

My OH had very frugal Christmas's whereas mine were over the top with family gatherings and loads of (non-expensive) presents - it was magical and I always wanted our kids to experience the same feelings.

I was also a PND sufferer but with kids now 17 & 15 and still married, I can promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had loads of counselling and wasn't certain that our marriage would survive (nor was he and he was scared witless). It hasn't made any difference in his behaviour but it did make a difference in me and in how I reacted to him. Don't write your relationship off just yet, get yourself well first xx