How to get through Christmas without a row

BitterAndTwisted

Which is all very well and good if the OP had asked for opinions based on someone else's point of view, which none of us have had the benefit of hearing, but she hasn't.

I'm prepared to accept at face-value that the things she has described about her relationship are the objective truth.

You can do as you wish.

Toto

I think you have to advise based on the information given, not on how you think someone else in the scenario may be thinking. That said, I do think it's important to try to advise someone to look at their situation and ask themselves questions so they can move forward. I don't think advising someone to leave a long term relationship is a good idea unless they are reporting obvious abuse. They may come to the conclusion that they wish to leave their partner but that should come after some serious soul searching and perhaps counselling not based on an opinion of a stranger on a forum.

FBaby

In we only go on face value then, what other advice can we provide but to say, communicate (but can't advise what about or how, as communication can only work on a two way street) or leave the person.

One post should do it and could be pasted and copying to every such OP.

The benefit of an open forum is that you will get people with many different perspective and experience as opposed to one close net of friends and families. Emotions are also taken out of the picture so perspectives can be less biased.

Of course, we can post in reply to help OP's self boosting experience, making them feel good to read that they are right and the other person is terrible, but I'm not clear how this will actually help their dilemma.

I also don't understand why suggesting possible reasons why partners/colleagues/family members act the way they do, and that these might not all be wrong, but maybe different is seen as such an outrage. It is only posted for consideration, yet often OP read these as accusations against them, as if if the person they accuse of being unreasonable might have cause for it, it automatically means that the OP is the one being unreasonable. It isn't the case.

FBaby

I think you have to advise based on the information given, not on how you think someone else in the scenario may be thinking.

Absolutely, but the information provided doesn't mean that readers can't see the other side of an issue. In the case of OP, with the information provided, I could picture her hubby's position that he feels his wife is wanting to spend too much money on items that are not worth buying.

If he came and posted here for instance that he was annoyed with his wife who doesn't care about spending money on pointless items that will be disguarded soon after Christmas soon after for the sole purpose of them having more to open, I would be able to see the position of the wife who want to make the day special and enjoy watching the pleasure on her children's faces when they open one present after another.

Cottage_Economy

Having been brought up by a parent who was like this about Christmas, I can tell you they ruined Christmas for us every year and today I have very few good memories. Even when I was adult and visiting at Christmas they would still kick off. Only when I met my husband could I tell them to go to hell and start having the Christmas I wanted because I had someone to share it with who wouldn't ruin it.

Every year as a child I remember having a knot in my stomach waiting for the axe to fall because they would criticise, belittle and fight with everyone, but especially my mother because of all the little bits and bobs she's bought, nothing more than colouring books, or crayons, or little bits of crafty things. I would make myself as small as possible so I would fly under the radar and not attract his temper.

Every year my mother would try and make it special for us and shield us from him so he wouldn't lose his temper and start an argument, and when I was very little I remember wishing that daddy would die so me, mum and sister could have a lovely Christmas without him.

I can tell you without any hesitation, you husband has and is continuing to ruin Christmas every year for your children and that is what they will remember.

Please feel free to show him my comments. He deserves the sting he will get when he reads them. His kids should feel happy at Christmas, not wretched because of their father's childish temper tantrums.

mountainofdebt

Personally I think its very dangerous to give advice in the vein of 'leave him'
.......we don't have to live with the consequences

Toto

FBaby wrote: »

Absolutely, but the information provided doesn't mean that readers can't see the other side of an issue. In the case of OP, with the information provided, I could picture her hubby's position that he feels his wife is wanting to spend too much money on items that are not worth buying.

If he came and posted here for instance that he was annoyed with his wife who doesn't care about spending money on pointless items that will be disguarded soon after Christmas soon after for the sole purpose of them having more to open, I would be able to see the position of the wife who want to make the day special and enjoy watching the pleasure on her children's faces when they open one present after another.

I quite agree, but I think we do that naturally anyway. Advising based on the information given doesn't mean agreeing with the poster. There are loads of occasions when folk come along complaining about something and the vast majority of replies are along the lines of 'you're being a prat, stop it'. I like that about this forum, people really do say it as they see it.

couponqueen123

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I just wonder if we turned this on its head and heard from OP's husband what it would sound like:

My wife wants to spend a fortune on Christmas presents for our kids but I think we can't afford it and I worry that we're setting up expectations in them that they'll get a lot

His version of the other Christmas morning could have been that his parents wanted to spend time with the baby or that his wife had been so busy running around before Christmas that they hadn't spent any time together.

OP it does sound horrible and I have a lot of sympathy with you. But do you really think it's about controlling behaviour or do you think it's that you have different ideas of how to do Christmas? Only you will know this.

I just worry that it's easy for all of us to think we know the full story but only the OP knows the full story really. And if the OP has suffered from depression in the past sometimes this can colour how we experience things.

In any case I think the best advice is to sit down some time when you're both calm and see if you can negotiate to have a christmas that you can both enjoy.

but i can spend 100s on gadgets and tell my kids to be greatfull with tat not good

Laurajo_2

couponqueen123 wrote: »

but i can spend 100s on gadgets and tell my kids to be greatfull with tat not good

And then his parents shipped him off to his grandparents so they can have a christmas shag

Sorry but it just doesn't pan.

Yes, he may feel that christmas is over commercialized and a big waste of money, but this is so much more than not wanting to buy the kids presents. This is about him causing arguments and rows over christmas and expecting her to do all the cooking etc and play gracious hostess to his family, when he's not prepared to make an effort to meet her halfway in making christmas special for the children.

BitterAndTwisted

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Personally I think its very dangerous to give advice in the vein of 'leave him'
.......we don't have to live with the consequences

Eh, the only danger is that a person would really act purely based on the opinions of others. I doubt there is such a person but if there is, they're not competent to be in possession of a computer, never mind be involved in an adult relationship.