My Dignity Diary

pollyanna24

I was where you are, although the ex never has given me any illusions about taking me back. He’s perfectly happy with his woman that I’m fairly sure he left me for. If he had said during that first year that he would come back, I would have jumped at it. But not now. It’s been almost 3 years and although I am not what I would call happy, I most certainly am in a more better place than I was. Whilst I am still finding it difficult to make myself excited about Christmas and all the decorations, I am able to get and feel more involved than I did two years ago, or even last year. I’m getting there. And I can see that it will be even easier and better next year.

For the first two years after he left, I felt like absolute parp. It was the roughest time of my life. There were seriously times when I used to count down the time to the kids’ bedtime in half hour increments as I just found it so hard to drag myself through each day.

Hopefully, because my children were/are so young, they will never know how I felt during some of my darkest days. I do my best to make life seem normal for them, although in the very beginning when my eldest was 2, she used to come up to me and say “Why are you crying mummy?” which makes my heart break to think about it now. Hopefully she won’t remember it and I’m trying my best to be a happy, cheerful mummy (except when they are driving me mad!) now.

The idea of a diary is a really good one, I started one a couple of years ago, but don’t actually know where it is now, but I have read back on some of my old threads on different forums and can really see how far I have come in the last couple of years. And you will see this too.

For a long time, I felt like my ex had robbed me of my life. All I had envisioned was us growing old together, doing stuff together with the children as they got older, and then all that changed when he left. My life did a complete 180 and it’s only now that I can get my head round how different my life is going to be from the one I had planned a few years back. Now I still imagine my girls getting older, but I’ll be doing stuff with them on my own. Not a pleasant though a little while ago, but now I’m that bit stronger, I can see the future for what it is and it doesn’t have to be bad doing things by yourself.

I’ve even gotten to the stage where I don’t completely want bad things to happen to him. Although it would be nice if he started having a really bad time, karma and all that, just so he can have a taste of the hell he put me though.

Mashmallow

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jetplane

Mashmallow wrote: »

Dear diary,

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time out of their day to reply. It means a lot to me.

Well today has been pretty rubbish to say the least. I had huge urges to contact my ex husband....I actually hate that word ex....I always have....it just fills me with sadness and always has.

He texted my son tonight but it was me that read it. My boy is only 10 and I know I should leave it up to him whether he replies...but he's still young and his mobile isn't really a priority in his life....he maybe only looks at it every other day. I didn't delete it....but I didn't tell him neither. He was engrossed in finishing his school project tonight, so I just didn't mention it.

I am starting to feel bad about there being no contact with the kiddies and their dad....am I only doing this out of spite because I'm not getting the answers I wanted? Am I using the children as a weapon? Am I hoping some lightbulb comes on in his head and he'll suddenly realise what his family means to him? After the way I was feeling at the weekend, right now I'm doing this to protect myself. I don't want him calling this house daily right now....I've been thinking about all the bad things he's done to us, and trying my best not to feel guilty about it. He spent 90 minutes with his children last Christmas Day....my wee boy begged me to call his dad on Christmas night for him to come back and set up a toy....he did, and stayed another 15 minutes.

He has had unrestricted access these past few months....the door was always open, and we welcomed him in gladly. He told me that he wants to be like other separated parents, and have absolutely no contact except for the children. He wants rules and boundaries in place....well this is me doing the same. Yes, it's harsh, bur right now I'm not sure what my rules and boundaries are....and I'll decide in my own time. He has pulled the rug from under our feet again....so I'll give him rules and boundaries....but on my terms this time....not his.

Game playing, using the kids as weapons? Yes, some of you might think so. But nobody has walked in my shoes, and right now I'm taking back some control and making some rules. And if that means that his calls go unanswered for the next couple of weeks, then tough.

I'd swap my past two years heartache for two weeks of silence.

When I read this about the children and telephone contact I had a strange feeling of deja vue so I looked and you used the same approach last time and that was only 10 months before your new relationship failed? Your timeline gets shorter.

When your ex tried to contact the children you made it difficult and one poster actually suggested you got your son a mobile so that they could have direct contact without having to upset you. When posters questioned your motives you deleted your thread.

Could it be that rather than him pursuing you for four months and then pulling the rug you had actually been pursuing him and he has finally said no?

He has had unrestricted access to your children but was that because you thought you were getting him back? Now your not but why can he not still have unrestricted access with arrangements in place? Perhaps those are the rules and boundaries he wants put in place?

If your ex wants to be like other separated families and see the children without seeing you then let him.

And take the well meaning advice that you have received on here and your previous thread around seeking help and moving on.:)

Mashmallow

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paulineb_2

You have control over your life, more than you think. Life is tough for a lot of people, I certainly havent sailed through life but one thing I have done is wasted far too much time looking back and not enough time looking forward.

He doesnt want you, thats the way it is and its horrible when someone says that and must be worse when you have kids.

But you have choices about how you move on and its natural to feel upset and sorry for yourself, but sometimes when you are in a negative frame of mind you end up feeling sorry for yourself all the time.

Sounds like a cliche but you are probably better off away from both these men.

You can beat yourself up till the end of time, it wont change things. Or you can make tomorrow a better day, even through the toughest times

And if you need professional support to help you make sense of how you feel, take it.

Mashmallow

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System

he wants nothing to do with me and just wants to be like other separated parents and have handovers at the gate

I think that's a brilliant idea. The least contact you have with him the better given your feelings at the moment and your kids get to spend some precious time with their Dad.

jetplane

Mashmallow wrote: »

Yes, he can see/have access to his children, but for the time being until I regain a little bit of myself, it'll be my rules for once!!

Yes your rules can be around regular times for collection and return and without having to engage with you other than the practical stuff. Try to ensure that your ex husbands attempts to contact his children are not thwarted by you being there or intercepting the contact for example reading your boys texts and not telling him. OK he might see it eventually but not if the new message icon is not there.

I don't doubt your distress and it sounds as if your children have been through a lot, if your little boy doesn't see his message he may think his dad hasn't bothered. Clearly on an internet forum we can only know limited information but I really do think you would benefit from professional help. What about mediation around access to the children and this way hopefully neither adult will be able to manipulate the situation.

I mean this in this best way and maybe you could have some counselling yourself?

red_devil

What does he mean he wants to be like other separated parents are they all the same then.

geekgirl

I have also been in a very dark place. I still have the occasional day when getting out of bed seems like climbing a mountain.

Others have said that you have to stay away from that harbour wall for your children's sake. It's true, they really do need you. And not just for the next few years either. My nephews dad took his own life when he was young and 30 years later it still affects his life on a daily basis, he misses him so much.

But having said all that you need to stay away from that harbour wall for yourself. You will start to feel better, a little each day.

Those days will become more and more and you will have your life back on track.