My Dignity Diary

Scrapaholic

Sorry to read you've had such a bad time . Thinking about writing a diary is a good idea and I hope it's just the first step on the road to better times ahead for you and your children . Sending you all best wishes xx

jetplane

Its not 28 months it is more recent than this, you are grieving again and sometimes we grieve what could have been, as opposed to what we have actually lost.

This is harsh but do not contemplate suicide, a parents death is traumatic and research shows that a mothers suicide is even more devastating. Right now they have a mother and they adore her, she might struggle and make mistakes but they don't know this, they know she loves them, she is there and she will get well again.

I think this is an excellent cartoon animation of the black dog, its also on youtube...

http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it

Heffi1

People often say take it a day at a time, well sometimes getting through half an hour is a big achievement, don't feel bad about telling us how you feel, we are all strangers and friends at the same time.

If you want to have a moan, then go on and get it out of your system, have a good cry, scream when the kids are out of the way.

It does take time, but believe me when I say eventually you will sit one day and realise you have not thought about him for the last ten minutes, that moves to an hour and then half a day, slowly you will find you will not think of him in that way anymore, he will have lost his pull and you can move on.

Give yourself to time to grieve and then enjoy your new life.

Rummer

Massive hugs, you sound as if you have really been through the ringer and the fact that you are here, posting and open to support shows that you are a very strong lady who wants to build a happy life for herself and her children.

Your children will love you for you and they are seeing a mummy that is working hard to be healthy and to take care of them.

As for you, do you still have the number of the counselling you attended? It may be worth going back or asking to see someone different to talk through how you are feeling. There are also a number of great online resources to dip into including MIND. It sounds as if you need a bit of time to focus on just yourself and your children without a significant other around.

Keep posting people here are very supportive and full of good advice and sources of information.

Vicky123

Totally with Jet plane on this, your mourning what could have been, it's a dreadful emotional roller coaster and seeing him again is just re visiting the idea of what could be and not what it is, you need to keep contact with the ex to a minimum and even then if it's child related only.
You will come out of this so much stronger and happier, just be there for your children whose love is unconditional.
Give yourself time to heal before considering another relationship.
Good Luck

Just_Plain_Jane

I know it's hard, but when I was where you are I found it helpful to try and find joy in the little things. A beautiful sunrise, or a phone call from a friend for example. Any little positives I could find.

Sending love to you and your children, you will get through this. x

VJsmum

Please don't jump.

My brother in law did (well he chose a different route, but the end result was the same)

His children are not better off without him.:( His little daughter is well f*cked up and I am not sure she will ever be right

We are here for you - I am constantly amazed by the power of people on this forum.

danandjens_worldtravels

Mashmallow wrote: »

..I wish I could take my brain out of my head....put it in the washing machine, and get rid of these negative thought that stop me in my tracks and bring me to my knees.

Do it, put your head in a metaphorical washing machine, write down or tell someone all your thoughts, all your anger, distress and grief about your ex husband and your relationship. Think the thoughts, write them down and then importantly let them go.

They are your thoughts, you DO have the power to control them. Just as your feelings are your feelings, you can control how you feel. You have no control over how others behave, but how you react to that behaviour is yours alone to decide.

As this diary proves you have dignity and have brought that about by your own actions.

trolleyrun

Sending you hugs.

Easy for me to say this, but try doing something positive, such as writing a list of everything that's good and positive in your life. I'll help you start: your kids. The list might be small initially, but you can add to it as and when you think of things. Anything that makes you smile or feel good, whether it's a hug from your child, a nice meal, the sun shining when you wake up in the morning - anything at all. Once you see it written down, you can look at it when you're feeling low and remind yourself of what's good in your life. Keep the list where it's safe - you don't have to show it to anyone.

I'm willing you on - it will get better, I promise.

More hugs to you.

krustylouise

I'm here for you too mashmallow!!!

DD's father and I split up 4.5years ago, I was signed off work, minutes felt like hours felt like days, I couldn't eat, sleep. I had no motivation to leave the house, that I had no motivation to clean, let alone bother entertaining DD. I felt guilty for being such an uninterested mother, of a child I loved more than anything. I was referred to a counsellor, dr wanted me on meds but I refused. My lowest point was when I couldn't leave my home due to agoraphobia and panic attacks, and in my safe haven, I had a panic attack. I felt like the only place I felt secure was now affected.

I took each day at a time, trying my best to concentrate on 1 positive thing that happened that day. If it was a bad day I wrote it off as a lesson learnt and tried to look forward to tomorrow, a new fresh start, a new chance for another positive, no matter how small. DD singing a song, or putting on a play for me. Or managing to cook dinner, or wash up. The small achievements kept me going.

4 years on I work full time, I am a single parent to a beautiful healthy happy 6year old, I enjoy every waking second with her, and in July of this year I took her 300miles away to Skegness on our first holiday (all on my own - goodbye agraphobia!)

My advice to you is - please be kind to yourself, you are only human. Life has got some amazing things in store for you, you just have to wait for them.

Much love xxx