'Don't have kids unless you are ready to marry' says judge

unicorn1984

I would much rather my child grow up with his Mum and Dad apart, but happy than together and miserable, or cheating. If I had continued with my marriage the way it was going, I had already started to resent my husband, and didn't want to end up hating him and thats what would have happened. Not a good environment for a child to grow up in.

As it turns out, I fell in love with a guy I have known for years (AFTER my marriage broke down incase anyone is wondering!), and my husband is with a new partner who makes him happy. My son sees Mummy happy and Daddy happy. Yes we aren't Mummy & Daddy together, but they are happy and love him just the same!

My Nan and Granddad were married 60 years, yes she drove him mad but they loved each other, she was in pieces when he died earlier this year. My Mum and Dad married when my Mum was 8 months pregnant with my brother. He ran out on her days before the wedding, and slept with his 19 year old physio. She married him because at the time it was "the right thing to do". Cue years of my Dad doing as he pleased, cheating and lying until my Mum finally decided enough was enough and left him. Somehow she was painted as the bad one, was blamed for breaking up the family and depriving us young kids of a family. For years, I sat and listened to my Dad and Nan slagging my Mum off, calling her names and telling me SHE was the reason Mummy and Daddy werent together.

I would HATE for my son to grow up in a situation like that. So who cares if you are married, single, in a relationship, whatever. As long as the kids are cared for and are happy I would guess thats all that matters?

Tiddlywinks

unicorn1984 wrote: »

So who cares if you are married, single, in a relationship, whatever. As long as the kids are cared for and are happy I would guess thats all that matters?

Research suggests that children are better off in two parent families.

I'd say most kids would prefer two parents at home.

Dunroamin

Gillyx wrote: »

I have never sat down and thought oh couple A spent 5 times that of Couple B on there wedding, so it must be style over substance for them. I generally think oh what a lovely wedding, the bride and groom looked so in love, regardless of how much they've spent.

As it happens my parents probably didn't spend a lot as they didn't have it, there marriage still failed. I remember how miserable they both were, for years, staying together because the felt it was what society wanted them to do. It makes me sad now that they've both found happiness with other partners, that they could have had years ago, but chose not to do it because of what is the 'norm'.

In the past 3 months I've known 3 different marriages of numerous years where an infidelity has been exposed, because the people within these relationships weren't happy, so I don't think marriage is holding society together.

I attended a 25th wedding anniversary party recently, where it's well known both parties seek the company of other females/males behind there partners back, but everyone was there congratulating them?

In my experience marriage doesn't mean as much nowadays definitely not, but as my granny tells me, if you married the wrong one back then you were stuck with him, whether he was beating you black or blue or not. So if you could weigh up happy marriages from years ago and happy marriages now I bet the figure would be pretty much the same.

I tend to think what a wicked waste of money if I glance at the Wedding Board and read people who seem to be looking for extra ways to spend money and I'd think the same even if I were a guest.

For the rest, we'll have to agree to disagree.

sulkisu

Not being ready for marriage is one thing, but what about people who just don't want to get married? I am one of those. I have never really wanted to do it - I'm sure some psychologist somewhere will have a theory on why this is, but I just haven't wanted to do it. Fortunately my partner feels the same, and as we didnt plan or expect to have children, it was never an issue. Now we have three and we keep hearing that we should marry for the sake of the boys. I'm not sure that our relationship will suddenly become more committed than it has been for the past 15 years, if we do marry. Maybe we will, maybe we won't but I have always felt that marriage should be one of those things that you do because you both want to and not because other people think you should.

tatabubbly

Dunroamin wrote: »

I tend to think what a wicked waste of money if I glance at the Wedding Board and read people who seem to be looking for extra ways to spend money and I'd think the same even if I were a guest.

For the rest, we'll have to agree to disagree.

Mainly on that board, I look for help in keeping costs down :cool:

My OH wants a larger day, and I'm happy to oblige. We are now finally in a good position where we won't be in debt, will have an awesome day which we get to share with our family and friends..

Everybody to their own I suppose, but to me, getting married and being able to have kids after safeguards us legally

Person_one

sulkisu wrote: »

Not being ready for marriage is one thing, but what about people who just don't want to get married? I am one of those. I have never really wanted to do it - I'm sure some psychologist somewhere will have a theory on why this is, but I just haven't wanted to do it. Fortunately my partner feels the same, and as we didnt plan or expect to have children, it was never an issue. Now we have three and we keep hearing that we should marry for the sake of the boys. I'm not sure that our relationship will suddenly become more committed than it has been for the past 15 years, if we do marry. Maybe we will, maybe we won't but I have always felt that marriage should be one of those things that you do because you both want to and not because other people think you should.

It is, of course, up to everybody to decide how they want to run their relationships, but I do think a lot of people underestimate the value of formalising their relationships and getting the legal protections marriage brings.

Marriage is a contract, above all else. Its not really about romance or a special day or changing your name or being a Mrs. Its about protecting each other in case things go wrong.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

It is, of course, up to everybody to decide how they want to run their relationships, but I do think a lot of people underestimate the value of formalising their relationships and getting the legal protections marriage brings.

Marriage is a contract, above all else. Its not really about romance or a special day or changing your name or being a Mrs. Its about protecting each other in case things go wrong.

With so many people being put off by the idea of a wedding, it's a shame the legal part can't be done more like making a will. It wouldn't be too big a step from what happens in the simplest of registry office weddings but it would separate it completely from the idea of a "do".

sulkisu

Person_one wrote: »

It is, of course, up to everybody to decide how they want to run their relationships, but I do think a lot of people underestimate the value of formalising their relationships and getting the legal protections marriage brings.

Marriage is a contract, above all else. Its not really about romance or a special day or changing your name or being a Mrs. Its about protecting each other in case things go wrong.

No, I get that (I'm a lawyer, so I should), and to be fair I think that many people do, although of course there are those who get caught up in preparing for the nig day and give little thought to the life ahead. It just wasn't something that I wanted to do.

catkins

Person_one wrote: »

Excuses? People don't need to have excuses for not living their lives they way you think they should! They don't have to justify themselves to your satisfaction.

I thought the comment about excuses was to do with the cost of a wedding?

I know couples who tell me they want to get married but can't afford to even though they somehow manage to afford children. One wears a wedding ring and calls herself "mrs" because she doesn't like the idea of people thinking she is not married. If she was that bothered she could go to a registry office and get married cheaply

POPPYOSCAR

Mojisola wrote: »

With so many people being put off by the idea of a wedding, it's a shame the legal part can't be done more like making a will. It wouldn't be too big a step from what happens in the simplest of registry office weddings but it would separate it completely from the idea of a "do".

Yes I agree, this is exactly what I would like to be able to do.