'Don't have kids unless you are ready to marry' says judge

itsanne

Slightly off topic, but a number of posts on here bring it to mind. I know of a surprising number of couples who have lived together for a considerable time (ie years, not months), eventually got married and then very quickly separated / divorced. I don't understand it.

Back to the original topic, I agree that a couple planning a child should have a commitment equal to marriage. As posters on here demonstrate, it's perfectly possible to have such a commitment without marrying. Unfortunately, especially considering the availability and ease of use of reliable contraception nowadays, too many children are unplanned, which must place an added strain on any relationship.

Tygermoth

So my friend who married three times for only short periods and had a child in each relationship would be considered more 'stable' to be having children than myself unmarried but with my Partner for 12 years and very very happy?

Dunroamin wrote: »

It's not difficult to stay in a relationship when you're "very very happy".

You make my point for me.

Its the relationship that matters, not if you are married.

andygb

fluffnutter wrote: »

People split up because they're young and skint, not because they're not married.

That is just one of the many reasons why people split up.
If you look at young people in relationships, then there is a general reluctance on all sides to simply "commit" to a relationship, nothing seems to be permanent.
What this judge said is very nearly right, in that a stable, loving, caring relationship is the ideal environment to bring children into.

Dunroamin

Tygermoth wrote: »

So my friend who married three times for only short periods and had a child in each relationship would be considered more 'stable' to be having children than myself unmarried but with my Partner for 12 years and very very happy?



You make my point for me.

Its the relationship that matters, not if you are married.

And you've missed my point entirely.

HPoirot

I don't think the judge said anything controversial really.

'Ready to marry' does not mean married.

I guess it refers to commitment and maturity. Which most of the posters here agree on.

dizsiebubba

It depends on why you aren't married though... we couldn't afford it until now (its costing nearly £1k for just the legal bit and then there is all the costs involved in changing name) but we wanted to be married and most people thought we were... In an ideal world I would have been married first but I couldn't let my fertility decline while I saved to be married

tatabubbly

I'm currently saving to get married, we won't be starting our married life in debt or any of that malarky.

Both our parents are divorced so we know what the toll is if we split up. We both know about court, legal fees, being hungry cos someone wouldn't pay child support.

We love it each and we are willing to give it a go.

But I'm unsure why people here are so against having a nice day to celebrate your commitment? I think it is nice to have a baby once you get married?

In saying that my 17 year old brother is becoming a dad, he's not happy but willing to live up to his consequences if ya get me.

catkins

dizsiebubba wrote: »

It depends on why you aren't married though... we couldn't afford it until now (its costing nearly £1k for just the legal bit and then there is all the costs involved in changing name) but we wanted to be married and most people thought we were... In an ideal world I would have been married first but I couldn't let my fertility decline while I saved to be married

A wedding costs as much or as little as you want it to.

I don't see how it can possibly cost almost £1,000 for the legal bit!

It makes me laugh when people say they can't afford to get married. Me and OH got married after knowing each other for 5 months. We were madly in love, wanted to be together and did not want to live together first. We had practically no money at all yet we managed to get married and have a reception (and we paid for ALL the drink). Yes it was a number of years ago but it can still be done

Tiddlywinks

dizsiebubba wrote: »

It depends on why you aren't married though... we couldn't afford it until now (its costing nearly £1k for just the legal bit and then there is all the costs involved in changing name) but we wanted to be married and most people thought we were... In an ideal world I would have been married first but I couldn't let my fertility decline while I saved to be married

Can you give me a breakdown of the £1,000 for 'just the legal bit'?

'Costs in changing name'? What are you talking about?

Couldn't let your 'fertility decline' whilst you saved to be married? Good grief, if you can't afford to get married then you can't afford to have children.

The same old excuses just keep coming back again and again.

unicorn1984

duchy wrote: »

Some people love the idea of parenthood but can't/won't deal with the reality - Do you think your husband wouldn't have changed if you had gone ahead and had a child without a marriage-or do you think he'd have acted the same ?

I have no idea! He didn't seem to change once we got married, but as soon as the pregnancy hit home, that's when it all changed.... he barely knew his Dad growing up, his only real memory he has ever shared with me is of his Mum and Dad having a blazing row drunk one night, and his Dad coming stumbling into his bedroom and grabbing him and his young brother from their beds, stinking of booze, saying he was taking them with him.... he has NO happy memories about his Dad, and his Mum "couldn't cope" with being a Mum to him, so he lived with his Nan. He still has a pretty iffy relationship with her, I think he has alot of resentment towards them both. His Dad died a few years ago and he didn't go to the funeral, and always said when he had kids of his own, he would treat them so well because he knew what it was like to grow up with a crap Dad. I don't know whether the reality frightened him to think he may not be able to be the kind of Dad he wanted, I really don't know. I think because his Nan smothered him so much and fussed around him, doing every single little thing for him, he hasn't ever really learnt to be responsible for himself, and tends to think about himself before anyone else.

He saw a therapist after I left, who basically told him he had no Father role model to learn from, so he didnt know how to be that Father himself.

You would think that since we were married he might have put MORE effort into the relationship, but sadly not.