Wife worried about money, I'm not, causing arguments!!!!

hawk30

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Me and OH bring home less than £2000 per month and we don't even worry about money!!!!

But are you facing a drop in salary anytime soon? The OP and his wife are and so it is natural to worry about how it will affect family life.

belfastgirl23

If I were your wife the main thing I would want is to be heard and taken seriously. Unfortunately by (as you think) reassuring her, what you're actually doing is at best not listening to her and at worst telling her tacitly that you think she's crazy. And given that she's mostly worried about not being heard, that's completely the wrong thing.

I'd suggest as others have said, sitting down with her. But making a real point of active listening. Google it if you're not sure. Instead of trying to 'solve' the problem and reassure her, just listen to her. And ask her to elaborate. You might be surprised what comes out. Often if you really pay attention to what someone is saying, the problem isn't what it presents as at all.

Who is 'right' in all of this is not relevant. I think you need to keep this in the forefront of your mind. This woman is your wife, she is carrying your baby and she's upset. Your first priority needs to be figuring out how to make it right for her. Obviously this is not the getting a better paid job thing btw. Because that's just a symptom of what is bugging her, I'd bet my bottom dollar it's not the cause. The cause is most likely as others have said, feeling incredibly vulnerable and needing to know that you will take care of her and if things go wrong financially you will find a way to make it work.

Let us know how you go in any case.

squirrelchops

I actually query where all the money is going.

OH and I earn less - approx £4100 and mortgage is £750. Between us we save in region of £750-£1000 per month. Hence at only a £600 saving where is OP and wife spending their money.

I know some think £400 per month is a lot on food but if you earn a fair wage then this is ok. Still doesn't answer after mortgage, food and savings where all the money - £2900 per month is going?????

neverdespairgirl

It is worrying to contemplate a big drop in income, and it's also worrying to be the one who is "causing" that drop, by going on maternity leave.

OH and I are in a similar position - I'm expecting our second baby in early May next year, and because we're both self-employed, I don't get nice maternity pay benefits.

So we'll earn between us a lot less next year, but our outgoings will remain the same - mortgage, bills, childcare, expenses for our older child, all the rest of it.

And going from being an equal-earner to one who isn't earning is an odd feeling. Yes, we're a couple, we contribute and share our income and expenses. But it's still, for me, an odd and not wholly pleasant feeling to know I won't be earning anything for a while, and less for more or less time after that.

Income isn't the only relevant feature to money left over. If you live in London, for example, your housing costs are going to be a lot higher than if you live in rural Wales. And that won't change when you are on maternity leave. Our mortgage on a not remotely mansion-like 3 bed flat in London is £1,200 interest-only, for example, and our childcare is £2,000 a month. So our bills, including all the rest of them, council tax, food, etc, will be £4,000 a month now, and will still be £4,000 a month when I'm not earning a penny.

So I think all the "princess" and "spoiled brat" comments are way too harsh!

Kynthia

Shame the OP hasn't come back. It would be really nice to know what he thought of people's comments and he had sat down with her, properly listened to her concerns, explained with evidence why he isn't worried and then went through a detailed budget together.

hazyjo

It may go further back. Was money tight when she grew up? Was her mum left to cope alone? Was she a SAHM? Maybe your missus feels she needs to either be like her own mum was, or avoid it completely if she didn't have a good relationship. Either way, it all contributes to the anxiety.

Growing up with things like money worries never really leave us, even if we're 'well off' now.

Jx

MEM62

andymc29 wrote: »

quick run down....

We bring home around £5000 a month between us, have a £1100 mortgage payment and are expecting our first child in six months time.

My wife is getting really stressed over money and keeps saying i need to earn more. I currently bring home £2500 a month and think i'm doing alright for a 33 year old. sorry, but your wife sounds a little high maintenance. Your household income is more than enough and certainly much more than many people raise kids on. She needs a reality check. If she does not feel that your income is sufficient then she is free to go and increase her own earnings. Apparently we do have equality these days so why should the financial pressure be on your shoulders?

she's really worried about how we can get through her maternity leave without breaking into our savings as she'll have a lot less coming in from her job. so what are savings for if not to tide over such life events? If she's worried now then she'll blow a gasket when the baby arrives and she realises how much your are spending on the your child. But tell her not to worry, they are only that expensive for the first 20-years or so :-) so we'll have about £3500 a month to live on each month which personally i have no problem with. I know we can live on much less but she's not willing to budge on things like carrying on saving money each month and not cutting down on our food budget, which right now is over £400 a month for the two of us. that will change once she has had the aforementioned reality check.

i feel horrible for saying it, but i lived on less than a grand a month when i was paying off my debts (£40k over 3 years), so it just feels like she's being a spoilt princess and i don't know how to handle it without her blowing up at me and saying i'm not being supportive. she is a spoilt princess and will continue to be for as long as you accept it. How on earth is she going to cope with the life-changes that come with having a baby?


in my view, we earn loads of money, have no problems at all and i'm not worried. But she uses that as a reason to call me stupid and accuse me of not taking things seriously. i agree with your assessment of your situation. Stick to your guns.

.. .

System

I think some of the replies in this thread have been quite harsh.


The level of income or savings isn't really the crucial factor here. The OP's wife has shown a genuine concern over a significant drop in income. No point in calling her a 'princess' or 'spoilt'. She worked for her lifestyle. If she didn't want to live that way she probably could have had a much easier life on a much smaller income. But she doesn't. She wants to live the way she does which seems to be a certain amount of lifestyle plus a savings buffer.


The cost of living on maternity isn't just the same as it was before less her income reduction. It is all the previous costs PLUS baby costs less her income reduction.


I'm not saying she is right, just that some of the replies here have been bordering on disrespectful when there are many reasons she could have raised this concern which are legitimate.

nickj_2

if you have kids then you should be prepared to make sacrifices , if that means you don't have a takeaway every week , or you only go away for a week instead of a fortnight then so be it , it won't be for ever,