Wife worried about money, I'm not, causing arguments!!!!

MrsAtobe

With regards to the ISA's, are there harsh penalties if you don't pay in that amount per month or if you have to cash them in early? I'm just wondering if that's what could be causing her to feel unsettled, although I do agree with you, £50k in savings with or without a baby on the way is an enviable position to be in. As others have said, this is a time that savings are put aside for.

JustAnotherSaver

andymc29 wrote: »

she's not willing to budge on things like cutting down on our food budget, which right now is over £400 a month for two of us.

I'm sorry but you're just going to have to explain to your wife that you can't have Gordon Ramsey personally cook your meals every night!!

£400 a month FOR TWO???? That is madness.

No offence but i think your wife needs to learn the difference between wants & needs. I had to explain this to my wife when i helped her become debt free as she was all too often getting the two confused.

Dunroamin

JustAnotherSaver wrote: »

I'm sorry but you're just going to have to explain to your wife that you can't have Gordon Ramsey personally cook your meals every night!!

£400 a month FOR TWO???? That is madness.

No offence but i think your wife needs to learn the difference between wants & needs. I had to explain this to my wife when i helped her become debt free as she was all too often getting the two confused.

It's only madness if you come to believe it's not possible to do it on less. I don't think that's a lot for a working couple on good incomes to spend when there are no money shortages and they're saving substantially.

Humphrey10

JustAnotherSaver wrote: »

I'm sorry but you're just going to have to explain to your wife that you can't have Gordon Ramsey personally cook your meals every night!!

£400 a month FOR TWO???? That is madness.

Wow where can I get three meals cooked by Gordon Ramsey for £6.67! Please let me know, I want to visit this magical place!

£6.67 per person per day is not a lot to spend on food if you can afford it. And the OP and his wife can, even when she's on maternity leave - she can spend some of her savings if needed.

Kynthia

My hubbie and I personally spend more than £400 per month on the shopping bill too, so it's not crazy when you can afford it and it doesn't include anything out of the ordinary (certainly not even M&S food never mind Gordon Ramsey or booze).

I'm currently pregnant and facing the major upheaval of becoming a mum for the first time and going on maternity leave and think you could be a bit more understanding. I know you know you'll be fine but she's having to make a big adjustment from being an equal earning partner with a respectable job in the workplace to being at home for a year with no money of her own. It's a massive adjustment and even though she knew it was coming it's a scary change. Also knowing that your household income is going to half just as your expenses might go up long term is also a worry. Just saying 'it's fine' and 'others have less' obviously isn't reassuring her so you need to find another way to do that and criticizing her spending or calling her a spoilt princess is not it. Obviously it's not just about money with the amount of savings you have, so you need to have a proper calm and detailed discussion. Has she tried to do this and you've not been keen and just responded with platitudes as I could see this as causing her to get annoyed when she's concerned? You mention having different backgrounds so you need to also factor her history as well as this massive change in her life and status.

It's scary for me too as I earn more than my OH and we're buying a bigger house too which means unknown larger outgoings and most of our savings being used up. Thankfully I'm an accountant and I've reassured myself that we've borrowed a sensible amount, left ourselves a good enough safety net, fixed for five years so that there's no nasty surprises should interest rates increase and expect that we can cut our cloth accordingly. Even knowing all that still scares me, and it's tough getting my head round being a mum, having so much less money, not working, and how to deal with sharing out one income. It's just as well as I've also had to reassure my hubbie as he's the one who got a little freaked out, especially with the house purchase and how we'd cope if I lost my job. (All pregnant women do not get 'hormonal' or crazy, there are real concerns and major life changes so dismissing them as just being 'hormonal' is demeaning.)

So I recommend on a quiet day you sit down together and talk. Have you sorted how the money will be handled, do you already use one joint account or will you be transferring a share of your salary to her? Do you have a spreadsheet that shows you outgoings and could you break them down into essential and optional to show what money you are left with each month? Have you jointly discussed how long her maternity leave is, what the plan is after such as will you both work full time, part time or is one of you giving up work completely and what are the possible childcare arrangements? have you discussed what plans are in place and how you'd cope if you lost your job, such as do you have any kind of insurance or is the plan to use savings? Then also discuss any other worries she may have about this major life change and how it will affect you both. Hopefully this detailed discussion will reassure her, show her that you are supportive and find out if there are other underlying issues worrying her.

[Deleted User]

She needs to accept that having kids costs money. You've got plenty of savings to ride out maternity leave. My wife saved up £4k to help get us through a year of maternity leave (even if it was generous NHS leave). I also had to go looking for a better paid job.

Ultimately, what a savings there for?

Definitely do a spreadsheet (don't forget to add child benefit). Quite simply, people with kids have less money than those without. The they can be quite expensive. Just wait till you need to buy buggies, car seats, nappies, kids clothes (and their bloody expensive shoes).

Middle class child rearing is damn expensive. Wait until you shell out £300-£400 on a 4 year olds birthday party. Check out how much it costs to go on a nice holiday with a child over 2, in peak season during school holidays. Price it up for two kids then weep.

I know it's pregnancy brain, but maybe you both need to check out how your baby will effect your lifestyle. It's the price of cute cuddles before bedtime. I do also think its realistic for one partner to freak out about a £1500 reduction in monthly salary.

Soleil_lune

andymc29 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far guys. Makes me feel a bit more normal.
My usual repsonse to her is that we have a lot more money than most other people and they all manage fine. But she'll respond with "I don't care what other people do!!!" Which kind of makes talking about it a problem.

Right now we save six hundred pounds a month into ISA accounts, which she treats like a bill and it stresses her out when I suggest we cut that down to nothing during her maternity leave. I think the main issue is she's very much a creature of habit and has got so used to having way more money than she needs that the idea of actually living to our means is scaring the crap out of her and I really can't think how to handle it. We've had totally different financial pasts and this sort of situation really makes that clear.


Also, for those mentioning that she may have debts I don't know about. She doesn't. She's got £35k in her cash ISA and we have £20k in a savings account that she just inherited off her nan. So over 50k in savings (which is why I think she's going mad!!!)

Flip me! I wish WE had a joint income £5000 a month, and the ability to SAVE £600 a month, and 50 sodding grand in savings! And the £35K is HERS? Why is it not YOURS as well? I don't like this 'my money your money' hogwash. When you're married, everything should be pooled together IMO.

So is she expecting you to earn ALL the money so SHE can spend it? But she wants to keep her little £35K nest egg for herself?

She sounds like a real princess to me. I know women have crazy pregnancy hormones, but I have never known women go like this. As some here have said, it sounds like she can't bear to lose her lifestyle. And I agree £400 a month on groceries for TWO is a lot!

Yes she IS over-reacting, but only YOU know why, as you know her. We don't.

b_girl

Wow! You guys are in a great position financially!

With the new savings info I'm starting to change my opinion about her. This baby was planned for presumably? I can't understand why finances weren't discussed or at least mentioned before pregnancy then.

It seems quite odd she'd be so worried about money with that level of savings. If she wants to spend as much on maternity as she does now then she can't expect that the savings will remain intact.

daisiegg

What does she think all the savings are for, if not for occasions like this? Genuine question; are you saving up for a house deposit or something?

FBaby

I don't think she is spoilt and I don't think she is worried you won't cope, I think she might be worried about your lack of concern about budgeting. To be honest, if I was pregnant and my husband had a previous history of splashing out on £40k in three years, and didn't seem concerned about planning to make some changes to adjust to additional cost and less income, I would be very worried too. She rightly doesn't want the savings to go on everyday costs to then disappear and I can't understand that, although personally, I would look at paying some of the mortgage.

It seems to me that you are underminding her concerns rather than listening and that is leading to anxiety on her side and saying things that she probably doesn't mean. Budgeting in preparation of the birth of a baby is always a good idea. Sit down with her, go along with it, and you might learn that a good combined salary doesn't always make a comfortable life once you have children.