Please help settle a difference of opinion

pinkshoes

I'd tell him if he hasn't paid it by 15th December, you will pay it instead of giving him a Christmas present.

Otherwise, don't bother. He WILL learn from his mistakes if he ends up in jail (worst case scenario).

Just paying it won't solve anything, as there needs to be some sort of consequence i.e no Christmas present.

itsanne

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Your family's situation must be completely unique if you can't disclose a few salient details on an anonymous forum. You've piqued my curiosity (nosiness) now.

What I would like to know is which side of the fence are you sitting on?

Sorry BitterandTwisted, I'm not trying to be mysterious. I know the forum is anonymous, but I think anyone who knew me could probably work out who I am if the situation arose. While I wouldn't choose for people to know who I am in real life, it wouldn't be the end of the world if they did - I don't think I've ever posted anything of any great significance. However, I don't have the right to give a lot of information about someone else, in this case my son. If someone recognised me it would be unlikely that they would not already know that he has mental health problems, so saying that much does not make much of a difference. However, they would not be aware of all the details. The only extra I can add is that his mental health issues are long standing and severe.

I must have hidden my side of the fence better than I thought . I think we should pay, but I understand why my OH thinks we shouldn't. Likewise, he understands why I think we should.

On previewing this, there are quite a few more posts. Red letters been and gone. Internet stopped because he impulsively went off and it takes time for the line to be closed down completely, so anyone moving into his flat could have made very expensive calls for which we would have been liable - not risking that again. He knows he has to have a licence but sees himself as invinceable.

dandelionclock30

Dunroamin wrote: »

He's an adult who's mentally ill, not a child or an adult with learning difficulties!

I dont know ifyou have any experience with people who have mental health problems, but they can really affect your reasoning, judgement and cognitive abilities. People can have really distorted irrational thinking.

hawk30

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Oh, for goodness sake. The OP has not at any point intimated that they were considering using the son's bank account to pay for the license. That stupid suggestion has been thrown in by other posters.

The OP has said that she and her husband have funds set aside for him, in case something is needed so I'm sure if they do agree to pay the license fee on his behalf they will be able to afford twelve quid a month out of their own funds.

The OP said in post 19 that they have been using his bank card with his permission for some things.

Dunroamin

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I dont know ifyou have any experience with people who have mental health problems, but they can really affect your reasoning, judgement and cognitive abilities. People can have really distorted irrational thinking.

I do know this but that's no reason to infantilise them as some have suggested.

BitterAndTwisted

hawk30 wrote: »

The OP said in post 19 that they have been using his bank card with his permission for some things.

With his permission. For some things. Which he needed and agreed should be paid for with his own money. He doesn't agree that he should pay for his license. Therefore it is fair to infer that the OP and her husband probably wouldn't dream of using his account for this against his explicit wishes.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

rach_k

I would tell him that either he needs to get rid of his TV, pay it or you will pay it and deduct the cost from whatever you would spend on his Christmas/birthday presents and will continue to do so until he sorts it out legally.

You say he makes bad decisions but if he is living alone he can't be totally incapable of day-to-day life and that includes paying his bills for services he is using. I wouldn't let it get as far as a fine/legal stuff because he's your child and you obviously don't want that (nor do I think it'd be appropriate if his illness is what causes the problem) but I would want him to see a consequence of his refusal to pay - illness or not, consequences will catch him eventually! It's strong enough to make him realise there is a consequence but not so harsh that he will really suffer and, of course, if he pays you back any money you've paid and continues to pay it, you can then give him his pressies. I suppose it might be treating him like a child but he IS your child whether he's an adult or not and illness or not. I'd expect my mum to look out for me, just as I will look out for my kids.

Toto

I would pay it. I have learnt through the years of dealing with my kids with learning difficulties/mental health issues that picking your battles is the key to maintaining some sanity. It sounds as if your son isn't able to process the consequences of his actions by refusing to pay in the same way as other people might. The problem is the penalty for not paying is a blooming great big bill or even prison. Personally, for my own peace of mind I would use the money I had set aside for him to pay the bill and I probably wouldn't tell him I'd done so unless he asked.


For other things such as not paying his electricity/phone bill I wouldn't pay, I'd allow him to suffer the consequences because although not nice they are not likely to cause any major problems.


Would your husband want to step in at any stage before prison to pay the bill? If not then I suppose he must feel that your son would cope ok if it were to come to that, and, if that's the case then perhaps he has a point. But, if you feel there is no way your son would come out of this with his mental health in a manageable state then I seriously wouldn't take the risk.

theoretica

I don't suppose he is living in residential care or sheltered housing? If so, a license for his room would only cost £7.50.

I can see why it is such a hard decision - I think I personally incline towards talking about how rubbish TV is anyway and why doesn't he give the set up...

olibrofiz

Here's another thought. Our kids seem overly reliant on us in this day and age, and we involve ourselves in their lives more than our parents did ours (from my experience - yes, guilty, and my friends experiences).

I would have said pay it too. But OP you say your son wouldn't pay it when it's due for renewal in a years time, so why do it now? It's just delaying the inevitable, unless you're going to deal with this dilemma every year? So, either commit to paying it, or not paying it, on a continuing basis.