Please help settle a difference of opinion

poorly_scammo

Apologies if you've already considered this but have you looked into getting lasting power of attorney over him should his mental health deteriorate further? https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

I mention this because it could remove some of the worry for you and your husband in the future and hopefully prevent further disagreements. Your son will need to agree to this of course and will need to have the mental capacity to appoint you and your husband or whoever else.

Regarding the TV licence, I'd be wondering if I could set up a direct debit without his knowledge. Yes, I know it's not strictly legal but if you could get hold of his account details and set it up for him, this would avoid both him not paying and you paying it for him IYSWIM. I don't know what his reaction would be if he found out that you had done this so do bear that in mind.

If the above is a definite no-no, then I'd pay it but I'd be pushing for the power of attorney.

Hope this helps a little.

duchy

Pay it - tell him it is a Christmas present but educate him into watching TV legally without a licence. If next year he doesn't pay it -knowing there is an alternative to just "watch/pay" then it is down to him.

I have a son with Aspergers and it's a fine balance between getting it right/letting them learn by experience/letting them fall *too* far. Your son has difficulty with judgement decisions at the moment ( and the consequences of not having a licence would affect his mental health further) and frankly that makes no difference whether the cause is LD or MH and anyone who thinks otherwise probably hasn't walked in those shoes.

duchy

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Regarding the TV licence, I'd be wondering if I could set up a direct debit without his knowledge. Yes, I know it's not strictly legal but if you could get hold of his account details and set it up for him, this would avoid both him not paying and you paying it for him IYSWIM. I don't know what his reaction would be if he found out that you had done this so do bear that in mind.

If the above is a definite no-no, then I'd pay it but I'd be pushing for the power of attorney.

Hope this helps a little.

I think the point is that most parents with adult children in these situations have a long term plan/hope that with correct support independence is delayed and just not possible now rather than a permanent situation - especially as we won't always be around to support them . Not to mention your suggestion with the bank account is as well as illegal a complete breech of trust and having MH issues doesn't mean they aren't capable of understanding a bank statement or be capable of looking at the account on line.

poorly_scammo

duchy wrote: »

Not to mention your suggestion with the bank account is as well as illegal a complete breech of trust and having MH issues doesn't mean they aren't capable of understanding a bank statement or be capable of looking at the account on line.

I have mental health problems myself and without going into too much detail, a relative did the same for me as I have suggested. I didn't mind. Her son might. She knows him.

Errata

Pay it, he's not well and I doubt you'd refuse to literally give him a helping hand if he couldn't walk easily.

Kayalana99

Its so hard to answer this question without knowing the son ... I mean if he isn't capable of seeing sense to pay his TV licence then you'd pay it...so by coming on here and asking if you should pay it, it gives me the impression that although he has his problems he could see sense if something was to push him to it?

I know these are some strong assumptions I guess my suggestion would be with this in mind to take his TV off him and say he can't have it unless he pays his TV license ...because thats how it works..perhaps you could even have a word with the local police department and explain whats going on and they could 'visit' and say they will be coming back to confiscate it if he doesn't pay? I suppose that might be illegal even to threaten?! lol ideas I guess.

I'm a strong believer in making people stand on their own two feet...but obviously certain situations you need to see the bigger picture..

maman

I'd definitely pay.


Even if you look at it purely selfishly then you and your DH will be saved the stress of having to deal with the situation if he gets caught.


I read in the paper this week about someone with mental health issues in a similar situation. A relative had made arrangements for her to have broadband/TV/television installed but she told him they hadn't turned up so they went with someone else as assumed bad service. When a bill arrived they ignored it and eventually it was put with a debt collector so more hassle. Upshot was that she'd told them to go away (twice) so not their fault. Company did give in as a goodwill gesture when person wrote to the papers and they didn't know about the mental health issues. I doubt TV licensing would be so generous. It seemed like a huge amount of hassle all round.

itsanne

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Apologies if you've already considered this but have you looked into getting lasting power of attorney over him should his mental health deteriorate further? https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

I mention this because it could remove some of the worry for you and your husband in the future and hopefully prevent further disagreements. Your son will need to agree to this of course and will need to have the mental capacity to appoint you and your husband or whoever else.

Regarding the TV licence, I'd be wondering if I could set up a direct debit without his knowledge. Yes, I know it's not strictly legal but if you could get hold of his account details and set it up for him, this would avoid both him not paying and you paying it for him IYSWIM. I don't know what his reaction would be if he found out that you had done this so do bear that in mind.

If the above is a definite no-no, then I'd pay it but I'd be pushing for the power of attorney.

Hope this helps a little.

I do appreciate the suggestions. I've not given more information about my son than necessary for the original question as I feel that to say more would be a breach of his privacy. Because of some of the things which I cannot say, POA would not be a realistic option, but the suggestion might benefit someone else.

We have regularly made use of son's bank card to withdraw money and buy him things when he has been in hospital, but only in a way that he would be aware of and comfortable with. Even when things are at their worst he is happy for us to do that. We also buy things he wants when he doesn't have his card on him in the knowledge that he always pays us back. We would not risk breaking down that trust by deliberately using his details to do something we know he does not want - tempting as it is :cool:.

newcook

I wouldnt pay it - mainly because you said that even if he was well he wouldnt pay it!

itsanne

There are things I'm itching to say but can't! Aargh!