Why doesn't he want to marry me?

lostinrates

There are no guarantees.

Marriage doesn't guarantee fidelity.

Religion doesn't guarantee abiding by those beliefs.....

That is why the commitment of marriage / giving ones heart and making whatever legal provision is so huge a commitment and not to be drifted in to without conversation or agreement all are on the same page with wants over these futures, because, there are NO guarantees, only faith, love, trust, communication, passion, sometimes forgiveness and restraint, sometimes being magnanimous, but mainly love and being loved.

no guarantee. Dare I say, a guarantee might even lessen the beauty of it?

Errata

FBaby wrote: »

Let's face it, in many circumstances, unwillingness to get married (after being committed in every other way already) usually comes down to either an issue with feelings or with money.

.

Wise words. If neither want to marry or both want to marry, they have a shared vision, values and goals. If one doesn't and the other does then there is no sharing; that wouldn't work for a business partnership and won't for an emotional partnership either.

Soleil_lune

bugslet wrote: »

But mistrust played no part in it. We were together 19 years. People have affairs married or not. I wasn't avoiding commitment because I thought it could happen.

He didn't want to be connected to the house because being a lot older than me, it would cause trouble when he shuffled off, it had been his decision,not mine. Business wise, I had worked my bits off in the first ten years and he had not contributed to it, either by working there or by any other means, so I had never put him down as a director or anything because he had no involvemnt in it. That was partly his choice - there were opportunities to be employed as a driver, but all the office stuff I could do at that point. He didn't want to be a driver and that was fine with me.

It was purely a set of unplanned circumstances that turned out to be to my benefit as opposed to being married.

A married female friend of mine who had an affair with an ex at more or less the same time as my crisis, her husband dobbed himself into the tax who promptly took everything. His thinking was that he might not have anything, but neither would she and the lover. Once you have an affair, gloves are off as far as I am concerned.:(

Oddly after the affair, I gave him quarter of the company, which I think was a good demonstration of intent of keeping things on track.

Are you serious?

bugslet

Soleil, it would take an entire page to explain, bore the pants off everyone and this thead has rather wandered off topic.

You had to be there to know all the circumstances, the reasonings, the conversations, the changes we made individually and together, the history. It was right at the time, no regrets and it came back to me anyway.

I have to laugh, one minute it's a no-no for not getting married and sharing, next minute it's a no-no for sharing, so everyone try and do what makes you happy without hurting someone else. ;-)

Soleil_lune

bugslet wrote: »

As a no wish to get married myself person, I think that is rather sweet:)



Ditto. Some people seem to be wanting to say that unmarried is just not as good a relationship. As one of the great unmarrieds:p, I don't feel the need to suggest that being unmarried is better than married, just a different choice.

Thing is, many people don't take a relationship as seriously when the couple are not married.

I have known 2 cases over the past 9 months alone with people I know.

This colleague of mine split with her long term boyfriend after 12 years together - 8 living together, and the general consensus was 'awwww, what a shame' with a tilt of the head. Then a few weeks later, another colleague split with her husband after 8 years of marriage and everyone was aghast. The supervisor bought her flowers, her colleagues took her out for a drink, and the manager let her have a week off. They talked to her for ages, offered her counselling, and visited her at home several times to see if she was OK.

The other girl said (quite angrily) that she never got that treatment. And the supervisor actually said with a rather surprised look 'but he was only your boyfriend.' Bit harsh I thought actually. It would have been nice if people had been a BIT more compassionate about the man she spent 12 years of her life with.

Another case was where this lady at work lost her boyfriend to cancer: together 12 years. And again, people said 'awwww.' They thought it was a shame that a man of only 46 had died, but didn't say a lot about it really.

But when another colleague lost her husband of 10 years a few months later, the workplace erupted and were devastated for her. They had a collection for her and were lovely to her. The other girl was not even allowed compassionate leave, because he was 'only her boyfriend.'

Also, the ex, who her boyfriend was married to for 7 years before they met, got more attention and sympathy and I am not sure of the ins and outs, but she had a right to some of his assets too. (Both of the women had a child by him, but the ex had more rights somehow, because they had been married.)

Upshot is: people in general don't take relationships as seriously when the couple are not married: not only people in general, but the law too. It may not be 'fair' but that is how it is.

P.S. TO bugslet.... OK then, thanks

bugslet

No disagreement from me there Soleil. Personally I'm not that fussed how people view the relationship:)

catkins

paulineb wrote: »

Why should there be a guarantee of anything? If you live with someone they might not want to marry you, but if you dont live with someone, theres more chance of them marrying you? What if couples want to be with one another before they walk down the aisle? Theres no right and wrong, but I dont think any type of relationship is better than another. If people dont live together, fine, if people do live together fine, if people live together before getting married, fine, if not fine. Its what works for you.

I know numerous couples who got married and lived together first, people who actively planned for their wedding while they were living together. I have a friend who is divorced and lives with her partner and they are talking about marriage. Sometimes people who have been through a divorce already might want to take their time about getting married again, but they dont want to live in separate homes, thats fine.

You dont always get guarantees in this life. If a couple have such different views on marriage as has been suggested earlier on in this thread you would hope that people would be able to communicate before they got to the live in stage that marriage either was or wasnt going to happen in the future.

And if someone did move in with a partner who was happy with that and didnt want to get married straight away, surely again its about communication.

Yes it is about communication which is what I was trying to say, although obviously not very well! The OP did not have the chance for the communication because of the unplanned pregnancy.

All I am saying is that I personally wanted to be married and luckily so did my now OH. We decided not to live together first, not because we disapproved of it even if it was over 30 years ago, but just because we wanted marriage to seem special.

I know couples who have lived together for years and then got married although almost all of them are now divorced. Aren't divorce rates meant to be higher for couples who marry after a long time of living together? I also know couples who have lived or are living together having said they will get married and yet they don't. A few couples have split because 1 decided getting married was no longer important and the other did not agree. Oh and quite a few of them were men that still wanted to get married.

There certainly are no guarantees in life but I would not have risked living with someone for years and they then decide they can't be bothered to marry me

Soleil_lune

bugslet wrote: »

No disagreement from me there Soleil. Personally I'm not that fussed how people view the relationship:)

Good for you As I said in my post, I thought the people at work could have been a BIT more compassionate about the man this girl had spent 12 years of her life with!

Unfortunately, a living-together/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is often treated less seriously than that of a married couple.

lostinrates

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Good for you As I said in my post, I thought the people at work could have been a BIT more compassionate about the man this girl had spent 12 years of her life with!

Unfortunately, a living-together/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is often treated less seriously than that of a married couple.

Its not necessarily unfortunate though, if its been an active choice to remain Unmarried/civil partnered If it were all EXACTLY the same we would not be having this discussion.


Edit...inversely, my parents separated recently, but have actively taken the decision not to divorce, This is mainly for financial reasons. Both have re written wills and made fiscal arrangements differently now but for one major thing, in that the only thing that changes on divorce would be that one would lose a pay out that goes to a spouse while the other would gain nothing. No other partners are involved and the one whose arrangement this would come from feels it would be an act of spite to deny this to the other one who was there while the money was accrued.

mgdavid

lostinrates wrote: »

Part of the reason I like you so much is you are reasoned and rational and fair. . .........

sounds very close to being the perfect woman

<ducks>