Why doesn't he want to marry me?

FBaby

My comment was to do with not getting married because of risking losing one's own money in the event of divorce

Let's face it, in many circumstances, unwillingness to get married (after being committed in every other way already) usually comes down to either an issue with feelings or with money.

In my case, I had two children with my ex and then bought a house with him, yet I wasn't prepared to marry him, firstly to protect myself financially because of debts and lies associated with them from his part and because deep inside (although I wasn't fully aware of it then), I knew he wasn't the one. Not being married was such a blessing for me when we did separate and his debts turned out to be 5 times more than what I knew.

My husband understandbly had some reservation since he was married before and lost out quite badly financially when she left him after she had an affair. He rebuilt himself emotionally and financially and being prepared to lose it all again was a massive step for him. That's why it's not the marriage itself that I was after, it was the safety of the knowledge that his love and commitment went beyond the risk of losing it all again. I have issues with trust, as in I don't trust anyone, even my close family, due to many promises made and then broken down with the blame being put on me for it. I reached a stage in my life when I wished to spend my life with someone I could trust totally. For the first time I do. Of course everything can happen, but I can put this aside and trust as far as I can do knowing that my husband trust me the same way.

bugslet

Dunroamin wrote: »

I'm sorry, I couldn't be expected to know that.

My comment was to do with not getting married because of risking losing one's own money in the event of divorce, which was the only information presented in the post I replied to.

Dunroamin, no sweat:). I didn't want to labour the 'he's dying so I'm untouchable on posts', as it's not fair, IYKWIM. It's hard condensing 28 years into a couple of paragraphs.

Fbaby, that's lovely that he has that faith in you and that you have found someone that you are happy with and wished to marry.

I honestly never expected an affair, my lack of marriage is just my personality.

Thank you NDG and lir:o

lostinrates

bugslet wrote: »

Dunroamin, no sweat:). I didn't want to labour the 'he's dying so I'm untouchable on posts', as it's not fair, IYKWIM. It's hard condensing 28 years into a couple of paragraphs.

Fbaby, that's lovely that he has that faith in you and that you have found someone that you are happy with and wished to marry.

I honestly never expected an affair, my lack of marriage is just my personality.

Thank you NDG and lir:o

Part of the reason I like you so much is you are reasoned and rational and fair. . Lots of people would (not reasonably but understandably) lose their rag over things.

Whole relationships cannot be condensed into books often, let alone paragraphs. They are such strange things, strong yet fragile, complex yet simple, about two people (usually) but impacted on and impacting more (often). Really, enduring, loving mutually satisfactory relationships are wonderful things of beauty and triumph.

bugslet

I'd like to say at this point that lir has great perception and wisdom, she sees through the carapace of internet personality to the core of the person and I have yet to hear her be wrong on any subject matter whatsoever.

Though there's a first time for everything and that first paragraph could well be it:rotfl:

tea_lover

Get a room you two! :rotfl:

Seriously though, there's been some really lovely posts on this thread .

lostinrates

bugslet wrote: »

I'd like to say at this point that lir has great perception and wisdom, she sees through the carapace of internet personality to the core of the person and I have yet to hear her be wrong on any subject matter whatsoever.

Though there's a first time for everything and that first paragraph could well be it:rotfl:

Ah, sweet, but I am fallible. .

( and you know I'm always right, rofl...................) how did I have to edit that in, its so obviously funny!)

lostinrates

tea_lover wrote: »

Get a room you two! :rotfl:

Seriously though, there's been some really lovely posts on this thread .

There are aren't there . I am open to polyamory (which brings a whole new factor to the subject of recognition of relations ships i am careful not to rule out nor endorse because of contention...but its a reason some but choose not to commit to one person in marriage or partnership and one of the reasons i would be uncomfortable with commonlaw being accorded where polyamory by CHOICE, not cultural infliction were opted for)


so, anyway, my room is big enough for more than me and bugslet, . Though she is a shooin. Or would be, but my DH doesn't share, so I have an open platonic room available to more than one taker....:rotfl:

bugslet

That and your OH is probably not desperate!

Could it be in a hotel as well as I really do like heat;)

lostinrates

bugslet wrote: »

That and your OH is probably not desperate!

Could it be in a hotel as well as I really do like heat;)

Too warm I'll be panting, but yes. Far too cold today


Edit...I have just realised, about ten miles from home yes said I sounded like I was saying yes, DH is not desperate. That is NOT what I was saying. I mean, I'm not saying he is desperate either. He doesn't share desperate or otherwise. .

I was just saying somewhere warm would be nice.....regardless.

Oh dear...........tongue in knots!

paulineb_2

catkins wrote: »

If both are happy to live together and not get married or live together and get married after years that's fine but what about when one definitely wants to get married and the other doesn't?

Ok your friends weren't just going out, they were living together and if they are happy with that great. I wouldn't be though. Once you start living with someone what guarantee is there that they will still marry you? Sorry but I was not willing to take that chance.

Why should there be a guarantee of anything? If you live with someone they might not want to marry you, but if you dont live with someone, theres more chance of them marrying you? What if couples want to be with one another before they walk down the aisle? Theres no right and wrong, but I dont think any type of relationship is better than another. If people dont live together, fine, if people do live together fine, if people live together before getting married, fine, if not fine. Its what works for you.

I know numerous couples who got married and lived together first, people who actively planned for their wedding while they were living together. I have a friend who is divorced and lives with her partner and they are talking about marriage. Sometimes people who have been through a divorce already might want to take their time about getting married again, but they dont want to live in separate homes, thats fine.

You dont always get guarantees in this life. If a couple have such different views on marriage as has been suggested earlier on in this thread you would hope that people would be able to communicate before they got to the live in stage that marriage either was or wasnt going to happen in the future.

And if someone did move in with a partner who was happy with that and didnt want to get married straight away, surely again its about communication.