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Why doesn't he want to marry me?

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  • paulineb wrote: »
    My friend and his fiancee werent just going out, they lived together and they are now engaged. My point is, its possible to be totally committed to someone without a wedding ring. As I said before my brother and his partner have lived together for years now, theyve just bought a house together (he was living in hers previously), they arent just going out either, they are in a live in relationship.

    I dont understand why there seems to be an automatic assumption that marriage is a more worthy state to be in than people living together or being engaged for a long time.

    I can understand totally that some people have very strong views on marriage and wouldnt want to be with someone long or even medium term if marriage wasnt on the cards. But whether people get married after 6 months, 6 years or 16 years, surely if they are happy with this, its absolutely ok to have that choice.

    Or have the choice not to get married at all.

    Amen! Couldn't have put it better myself. :)
  • poet123
    poet123 Posts: 24,099 Forumite
    Absolutely everyone should have the choice, but the problem arises when one half of a couple would ideally choose differently to the other half. You can't compromise if both partners have polar opposite views.

    Additionally, the stats do not bear out the fact that couples living together are as committed (in terms of length of relationship, cheating etc,) People we know individually may not fit into that category but overall that seems to be the case.
  • Dunroamin wrote: »
    You seem to have totally misunderstood what I was saying. My comment about lack of commitment referred to the poster, not to her partner.

    Bugs stayed with him, re-built their relationship after the affair 10 years ago, worked on it and the relationship survived it, and is now looking after him and his affairs while he is terminally ill and requires constant care.


    That sounds like real commitment and dedication, to me.
    ...much enquiry having been made concerning a gentleman, who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no information being obtained; at last Johnson observed, that 'he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney'.
  • Dunroamin
    Dunroamin Posts: 16,908 Forumite
    What's that about lies, damn lies,and statistics? :)

    Fancy some maths for a lunchtime?! (no you probably don't, no-one does, but still I'll enjoy it :p)

    Ok. That probability I quoted was calculated using a sample of women on the Pill.

    So ....who would this group include?

    It would include women like me: I'm on the Pill. Technically I'm sexually active and healthy and fertile and have a partner who is the same.

    But I'm in a LDR most of the time, so I'd be on the list of women who are on the Pill and say it's been infallible for them but have a lower than average sex life.

    It would also include the students at a university I know who were told there was the option of going on the Pill during exam periods so they could avoid PMT issues. Some are virgins due to cultural/religious reasons.

    Now, women who are on the Pill WHILST having a lower than average amount of sex are "reducing the overall calculated probability".

    So to just apply it as a "straight probability" the way you have WITHOUT taking into account the OTHER things that can increase the chances of pregnancy is meaningless I'm afraid?

    I'd postulate most of the "accidental" pregnancies are occurring when you have a couple living together or at least seeing each other regularly so having regular (so more than average) sex? Their risk factors are higher.

    I think the reason that "probability" is often given/quoted in a family planning context to try to give the patient a more informed choice. It's more of a "vague indication" of how safe it is compared to other techniques.

    Medical staff aren't gods. They're just trying to present things in a relatively easy to explain format, but it isn't always the most technically accurate one, just the best they can do for a wide audience?

    If there was just "one straight path to manage our health" we'd all be a nation of Jess Ennis's, but sadly not! Of course I hope everyone is managing our health as well as we can, but there are no guarantees!

    Another Example:

    Take the calculated "chance of flying and having to make a sudden, slightly dangerous, evasive move"? Based on ALL the flights that are taken in the world, it's very, very low.

    But you could easily find a sample of pilots who have a higher than average rate of having to make "sudden, slightly dangerous, evasive moves".

    And then say "oh well THEY'RE obviously crap pilots and deliberately doing stupid things".

    WITHOUT taking into account this group is mainly composed of RAF pilots flying out of Afghanistan? That might be increasing their chances a bit, no?

    HTH :)

    PS Sorry OP ruining your nice thread with digression!

    Whilst there's a certain degree of logic in your post, most of your conclusions are actually wrong. Not wishing to take the thread even more OT, you might want to read this for an explanation.

    http://contraception.about.com/od/contraceptionfailure/f/Failure-Rates.htm
  • catkins
    catkins Posts: 5,703 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    paulineb wrote: »
    My friend and his fiancee werent just going out, they lived together and they are now engaged. My point is, its possible to be totally committed to someone without a wedding ring. As I said before my brother and his partner have lived together for years now, theyve just bought a house together (he was living in hers previously), they arent just going out either, they are in a live in relationship.

    I dont understand why there seems to be an automatic assumption that marriage is a more worthy state to be in than people living together or being engaged for a long time.

    I can understand totally that some people have very strong views on marriage and wouldnt want to be with someone long or even medium term if marriage wasnt on the cards. But whether people get married after 6 months, 6 years or 16 years, surely if they are happy with this, its absolutely ok to have that choice.

    Or have the choice not to get married at all.

    If both are happy to live together and not get married or live together and get married after years that's fine but what about when one definitely wants to get married and the other doesn't?

    Ok your friends weren't just going out, they were living together and if they are happy with that great. I wouldn't be though. Once you start living with someone what guarantee is there that they will still marry you? Sorry but I was not willing to take that chance.
    The world is over 4 billion years old and yet you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie
  • Robisere
    Robisere Posts: 3,237 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    Person_one wrote: »
    Well that's not disturbing at all...

    You have no idea of the circumstances, why make such a sarcastic comment? It was better for me to leave an environment that was hurting the children. This is something that still makes me feel guilty and very, very hurt all these years later.

    You are a very self-righteous person, I can understand why your moniker is "Person One."
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
  • Tiddlywinks
    Tiddlywinks Posts: 5,777 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    jetplane wrote: »
    I have a whole brain, a clever and educated brain and have fallen pregnant twice while taking the contraceptive pill over a period of over 10 years.

    But I'm sure that after the first failure your 'educated brain' would tell you that if you needed to prevent another pregnancy then the pill alone would not do the job!
    :hello:
  • Dunroamin
    Dunroamin Posts: 16,908 Forumite
    Bugs stayed with him, re-built their relationship after the affair 10 years ago, worked on it and the relationship survived it, and is now looking after him and his affairs while he is terminally ill and requires constant care.


    That sounds like real commitment and dedication, to me.

    I'm sorry, I couldn't be expected to know that.

    My comment was to do with not getting married because of risking losing one's own money in the event of divorce, which was the only information presented in the post I replied to.
  • lostinrates
    lostinrates Posts: 55,283 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 21 November 2013 at 11:45PM
    Dunroamin wrote: »
    I'm sorry, I couldn't be expected to know that.
    .

    It has been mentioned earlier in the thread but its easy to miss these things on long threads. I don't think any one is expecting people to know things not relayed in this thread.

    Bugslet is a particular mse chum of mine ( and NDG's) so we are possibly being a little extra defensive of her while our concern for her is not small at a difficult time.
  • Dunroamin
    Dunroamin Posts: 16,908 Forumite
    It has been mentioned earlier in the thread but its easy to miss these things on long threads. I don't think any one is expecting people to know things not relayed in this thread.

    Bugslet is a particular mse chum of mine ( and NDG's) so we are possibly being a little extra defensive of her while our concern for her is not small at a difficult time.

    I have a feeling that it might have been mentioned after I posted but it's also possible that I just missed it. :)
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