Why doesn't he want to marry me?

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Oh I don't think I'll bother again, I've been far happier just living with myself. Just 'good enough' wouldn't be good enough for me, maybe settling like that is why so many people end up unhappy or bored in their relationships?

I agree with you . 'Good enough' is second best. Wait until the RIGHT person comes along and if he doesn't be happily single.

FBaby

I have never believed that strongly in marriage, and certainly never wanted to get married for the wedding, but it became very important to marry my husband. Not because of insecurities, and certainly not because of the status or what my friends would think, only because I needed to know that my partner was totally committed to me as I was to him. He had quite a bit to lose financially doing so, and I didn't want to give myself completely to him as I wanted to do always wondering whether he was getting his cake and eating it by having me totally committed to him, but not having to do the same. Until I knew that his love and commitment for me was complete, I didn't feel I could totally trust him. I know it was a big step for him and his decision to trust me fully has been the biggest gift anyone has given me. He asked me to marry him last February, and he said afterwards that he hadn't thought before that it would make much of a difference being engaged but that it really did and he loved it. We married two months ago and it felt so right for both of us.

claire16c

FBaby wrote: »

He asked me to marry him last February, and he said afterwards that he hadn't thought before that it would make much of a difference being engaged but that it really did and he loved it. We married two months ago and it felt so right for both of us.

I think my DH felt the same. Was never massively keen on being married, thought it was something religious people did, doesn't like being that centre of attention etc. Once he realised I didn't want a religious wedding & I wanted a small wedding he seemed to change his mind and we eventually got engaged. Now we are married we both agree it does feel different and he is always calling me 'wifey' and telling people about our wedding etc. He loves it!

I think also before it was just a maturity thing, we met at 19 so were together for 8 years before marrying.

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I agree with you . 'Good enough' is second best. Wait until the RIGHT person comes along and if he doesn't be happily single.

Good enough isn't second best. Waiting for Mr or Mrs Right means you will never be sure there isn't someone who's an even better 'Right', and I suspect that's why many relationships don't stay the course.

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

Good enough isn't second best. Waiting for Mr or Mrs Right means you will never be sure there isn't someone who's an even better 'Right', and I suspect that's why many relationships don't stay the course.

When I found 'Mr Right' I knew without doubt that he was The One. I think you have to know you want to spend your life with them and get a 'buzz' when you think about them.

Otherwise it seems like saying ticking off a checklist and saying 'Oh he will do', like choosing wallpaper.

Just MHO.

bugslet

[QUOTE=Soleil lune;63833278. And yes, it would make me wonder if he was waiting for a better offer to come along.


I guess marriage isn't for everyone, but I just don't 'get' why people stay together for many years, and never marry.

Also, if you are not married, you have no right to ANYthing of his. A And there are more cons than pros.

[/QUOTE]

To be clear, a relationship with children is different.

Unmarried for 28 years, I wasn't waiting for a better offer. I jsut don't get the point.

You do have rights if you make the effort to set it out. It's called a will.

For me there were more cons than pros. One of them occured in 2004 when he had an affair. Rightly or wrongly, there was no way on earth I would have given that gold-digging tramp a penny of my money. If I'd been married he would have been due half of my business and the home. As it was, he had no claim on either. (If we had split up properly IYKWIM, then it would have been a split of assets). It made him see her for what she was, once she found out he wasn't due half the business, she kinda lost interest;) and we got over the whole mess and went on to have happy years together.

nlj1520

I have never wanted to be married although I did marry my (now ex) husband because it mattered to him.
I am in a relationship now, neither of us wants to be married or even live together and I don't feel insecure.
To me marriage is just a bit of paper that's difficult to get rid of! It won't alter the course of a relationship.......feelings are what they are, they don't need the state or church to define them.
I know I am a bit 'odd' about relationships so maybe that affects my view of marriage, but I could imagine someone who was perfectly happy and devoted to their relationship, but who just (like me) doesn't believe in marriage!

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

When I found 'Mr Right' I knew without doubt that he was The One. I think you have to know you want to spend your life with them and get a 'buzz' when you think about them.

Otherwise it seems like saying ticking off a checklist and saying 'Oh he will do', like choosing wallpaper.

Just MHO.

A 'checklist' can have a box to tick for 'gives me a buzz', and I suspect vast numbers of couples 'know' they want to spend their lives with each other - and don't, as statistics show.

bugslet

annie_d wrote: »

...a little story....my son has been with his gf for 10 years...he says...we don't believe in marriage.....my husband's response is......you will when you meet the right one. angry face from son ensued.

I'll go and tell Mr Bugs he's been the wrong one for 28 years!

Lunar_Eclipse

Person_one wrote: »

I've shacked up with two, the point was to see if we could stand to live together, we couldn't. There's no way in hell I'd ever marry somebody without at least a year or two of cohabitation, and that's how most of my peers feel too.

Most of my peers cohabited before marrying too, but because it was socially the next step, not to try it out (the women were certainly thinking marriage if the men weren't!) I do think it should put some people off though.

Interestingly we all went on to marry that person, bar one who split up after several years because he desperately wanted children and she never did (it was a shock to outsiders because their relationship was fantastic, but they wanted diffferent things from life. Sadly she has been very lost ever since; he is cohabiting with a new partner.)