Fair rent to charge family?

paddy's_mum

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you are setting a good financial example to the boys either.

I disagree with this!

Assuming (as we must) that the OP is telling the truth, he has worked long and hard at a job with unsociable hours, has paid off the mortgage, provided a home and upbringing to these two sons (who are now grown MEN) and has been an exemplary father.

He has now reached the end of his tether and because his wife is undermining him so very badly, he has felt he had no other option than to force his selfish family to listen by (in effect) withdrawing his previous generous financial support. I suggest that he has been an admirable example of financial responsibility.

Quite clearly, he now feels that he is being bilked and will no longer go along with their nonsense.

Sounds to me as though he can only show them all that he does by not doing it any more, and that too is a valuable lesson and example to them.

pmlindyloo

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I disagree with this!

Assuming (as we must) that the OP is telling the truth, he has worked long and hard at a job with unsociable hours, has paid off the mortgage, provided a home and upbringing to these two sons (who are now grown MEN) and has been an exemplary father.

He has now reached the end of his tether and because his wife is undermining him so very badly, he has felt he had no other option than to force his selfish family to listen by (in effect) withdrawing his previous generous financial support. I suggest that he has been an admirable example of financial responsibility.

Quite clearly, he now feels that he is being bilked and will no longer go along with their nonsense.

Sounds to me as though he can only show them all that he does by not doing it any more, and that too is a valuable lesson and example to them.

And I disagree with this

By his own admission the OP has worked hard doing unsociable hours so that he can pay off his mortgage and live a more rewarding life as he grew older.

Unfortunately, it seems to me, the OP has neglected his fathering duties.

The boys behaviour cannot be blamed entirely on his wife. Part of it is teenagers stroppiness but if basic rules had been put in place throughout their childhood then this would not be happening now. The OP has to share some responsibility for this. Not blame, because working unsociable hours has probably been the cause in part.

Now the OP has more time on his hands he can see the problems with his sons and is feeling resentful about how he has provided the money and now as adults they are not uniting as a family and paying their way.

This is the premise of any discussion I would be using, accepting responsibility for not being there when they were growing up and failing to instil a united family concept and the responsibilities this involves.

Then I would be talking to them about how things must change. No threat of 'if you don't like it you can leave', just a down to earth conversation of how they all need to work together as a household. Then I would asking them what they are going to do to become this family unit - financially and chores wise.

The reason I say 'asking' them is because the OP is resentful because he sees them as grown up and not pulling their weight so, in my eyes, you need to treat them as adults and agree together as adults what is going to happen in the future.

Good luck with it all.

Mojisola

NPowerUser wrote: »

Its not just their financial contribution.

Both leave their washing strewn on the bedroom floor, wet towels on the bathroom floor, toothpaste tops missing, piles of late night washing up after getting hungry and the younger one, with his protein fad, is sometimes eating chicken destined for an evening meal at lunchtime also.

Neither offer to wash up, cut grass, do any shopping or anything other than cook on the spur and leave all the washing up.

Mum still buys them toiletries out of her own money. Lights get left on in empty rooms, radiators get left on in bedroom when not at home.

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Unfortunately, it seems to me, the OP has neglected his fathering duties.

The boys behaviour cannot be blamed entirely on his wife. Part of it is teenagers stroppiness but if basic rules had been put in place throughout their childhood then this would not be happening now. The OP has to share some responsibility for this. Not blame, because working unsociable hours has probably been the cause in part.

It's almost impossible for a working parent to enforce rules if a SAHP isn't in agreement.

If kids know that they can get round one parent when the other isn't there, rules aren't worth anything.

I agree this should have been dealt with years ago but, without a willingness to change from the mother, all I can see is that they would have split up earlier rather than still being together now.

sexki11en

NPowerUser wrote: »

I have cut my hours as I no longer feel its fair that I work very unsociable hours so the family (sons) can live off my hard work and effort.

If my wife is happy with my sons paying the absolute minimum they can get away with, surely the same should apply to me?

This for me is the most shocking part of the whole point of your thread. You're a grown man and this is a really childish thing to do. Put yourself and your wife on the breadline in a tit-for-tat move.

Man up and tell them to ship shape or ship out. It's your house and if they're not contributing then they need to find somewhere else that will house and feed them at such a low cost. They're doing it because they're being allowed to get away with it.

SK x

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Divide the bills by four. They pay half between them.

Divide the food bills by four. They pay half between them.

What does that equate to each week?

jellyhead

sexki11en wrote: »

This for me is the most shocking part of the whole point of your thread. You're a grown man and this is a really childish thing to do. Put yourself and your wife on the breadline in a tit-for-tat move.

Man up and tell them to ship shape or ship out. It's your house and if they're not contributing then they need to find somewhere else that will house and feed them at such a low cost. They're doing it because they're being allowed to get away with it.

SK x

Or maybe he's just really fed up and feels stressed and at the end of his tether. An unhappy home life can be bad for mental health.

duchy

Mojisola wrote: »

One parent can't do much if the other is always undermining him/her.

Unless the OP's wife changes her attitude, I can't see the situation ever improving. Perhaps when Mum is left at home alone with two lazy sons she'll realise just what she's created.

To redress the balance slightly it appears money isn't joint in this marriage though. I notice the OP comments on how wife "only" contributed 25% of paying off the mortgage...presumably because she worked fewer hours as she was caring for the children..... I suspect ...... and the OP deciding to cut his hours as an "i'll show them" tactic says to me there's a lot more going on here.