Fair rent to charge family?

Bazey

Do either them smoke? Drink socially? Smoke weed? I'm thinking I know a man who could sort them out...

System

I think your first battle will be with your wife. If you can get her to see things your way your onto a winner.

Don't forget, your children are adults. Its time for you now.

Gigglepig

Does your wife agree that there is a problem? Could the two of you agree to giving them a deadline to moving out?


It sounds like this is causing issues for your marriage, as well as straining the relationship with your sons

But...it also sounds a bit childish to cut your hours, would it not be better to talk this through with your wife (and if you can't agree or find it hard to talk, perhaps counselling can help?)

NPowerUser

I have tried sitting down with my wife showing what the cost of running a home costs, from pay the gas bill to internet and everything in between.

She will not accept that they should contribute a fair amount towards living at home.

I have slashed my hours so my earnings have gone down from £400+ a week to just over £100 a week.

Last year I worked 341 days over the course of the year, less this year but I managed to pay off the remainder of our mortgage over the past 4 years.

I thought perhaps if I just earn enough to pay half the bills with nothing left over for treats, holidays, days out etc, then something would eventually give.

Just over an hour ago my youngest put the double electric oven on to cook a frozen chicken breast and friend eggs for lunch! This health diet of his is killing the household budget.

Mojisola

NPowerUser wrote: »

Its not just their financial contribution.

Both leave their washing strewn on the bedroom floor, wet towels on the bathroom floor, toothpaste tops missing, piles of late night washing up after getting hungry and the younger one, with his protein fad, is sometimes eating chicken destined for an evening meal at lunchtime also.

Neither offer to wash up, cut grass, do any shopping or anything other than cook on the spur and leave all the washing up.

Mum still buys them toiletries out of her own money. Lights get left on in empty rooms, radiators get left on in bedroom when not at home.

NPowerUser wrote: »

I have tried sitting down with my wife showing what the cost of running a home costs, from pay the gas bill to internet and everything in between.

She will not accept that they should contribute a fair amount towards living at home.

As you say, this is much more serious than a "how much keep should they pay" issue.

Frankly, they're treating you and your wife like servants but were they ever taught to be any different? My kids were helping round the house from the time they were big enough to pick up their own toys and tidy them away. When they were teenagers, if washing wasn't put in the basket, it didn't get done and we all mucked in to keep the house and garden under control.

If you've tried talking and no-one is listening, could you temporarily move out and take your wages with you? They (your sons and your wife) need to face up to some financial reality and it doesn't sound as if they're going to do it while you keep paying the bills.

Gigglepig

NPowerUser wrote: »

I thought perhaps if I just earn enough to pay half the bills with nothing left over for treats, holidays, days out etc, then something would eventually give.

But it could be your wife or your marriage that snaps? It must be so frustrating that she does not "get" it, but forcing/financially blackmailing her might just cause more resentment? It sounds like the two of you have a big communication issue, couple's counselling might help?

ostrichnomore_2

This is more a problem between you and your wife, than with your sons. Until you and her can agree about the situation and provide a united front clearly spelling out what you require of them, this situation will continue.

Does your wife work? I get the impression she doesn't, as you don't mention it.

I'm on your side in this - but it doesn't matter what any of us think. The problem is in your marriage and only the two of you can sort it out. Or not sort it out. In which case you need to think about what will happen.

Personally I wouldn't want to work myself to death to support two (or three?) complete spongers, either. So I can understand why you did what you did. But it was a reaction to the situation rather than a sensible thing to do - I'm guessing it's the only little bit of control you feel you have.

In a nutshell
you see your sons as grown men who should be contributing financially and practically to the running of a shared home
your wife sees your sons as her babies and she doesn't feel they need to contribute financially and practically to the home
your sons have been raised to live the life of riley and have no reason to want to grow up now

Did they not do chores when they were younger? Has your wife always waited on them hand and foot? Are they strongly pushed to get jobs? Has your wife never been expected to get a job once the kids were getting older? You are kind of reaping what you sowed over the years.I don't know quite what you can do if it's three against one, now it has gone on for so long. But i'm sure changes can be made if you are determined enough - but expect a lot of resistance from all three of them.

I'm tempted to say to you, sit your wife down, tell her you love them all but you are sick of being treated like a work donkey for a bunch of lazy spongers (all three of them), and you aren't doing it any more. All three of them need to get a job, start doing their fair share of chores, or that's it. It's not a real family any more, real families pull together, not take advantage of one person. So why would you want to hang around just to be used? But you can't be bluffing if you say something like that...

The only positive spin I can put on this, could be that your wife is actually scared of them growing up and not needing her. If she has not worked since they were born, then if they become independent, her role is what? She may be thinking that if that happens, she'll have to go to work, with no qualifications/skills/experience (maybe, conjecture here) and that's terrifying her. Or that she'll be a housewife with no-one to look after. If you can gently talk to her about this, and emphasise that she's still going to be important to you all, and you'll support her in working out her new role in life, it might make a difference and she'll finally be willing to stop spending her life looking after the two sons. There's a reason she wants to keep them like babies. It might be that, it might be something else, but it's not healthy for any of you at all. You are suffering. The sons are being disadvantaged by this - you can see it, she can't. But they really are, they are not learning how to be adults, how to be decent adult responsible human beings, consideration for others, and I hate to think what warped ideas they now have about marriage/families/responsibilities/their future partners. Can you try an angle of them not being able to have successful relationships/marriages if this is how they think adults behave - both them, and the poor example you and your wife are setting them.

pelirocco

claire16c wrote: »

Set up direct debits for their payments, saves a lot of hassle.

Tell the youngest if he wants anything particular for muscle building he needs to buy that himself.

Sit them down & tell them it can not continue like this, they are old enough to understand. Tell them they are causing you both stress.

Not sure why you've cut your work hours though?!

Direct debits can not be set up by just anyone !

NPowerUser

Thank you ostrichnomore

You have pretty much summed up how I feel. My wife works contributing about a quarter to the mortgage over its lifetime but she more than makes up for it in keeping a lovely home, so I do not begrudge whatever the split on that was.

We have made a rod for our own back by the "do everything apart from wipe their bums" model of parenting, it was not the right way but more down to their mum.

I resent my wife as she wont seem to back me as I feel I have made many sacrifices in order to be mortgage free, as she has to a lesser degree. Back me to set a fair rent that is, not in any other area of life!

You are right ostrichnomore we need that meeting. It might be difficult as my wife seems a bit dozy on medication and I don't want to appear to be taking advantage of her current docile state of mind.

Two consequences is that everyone agrees to work for the good of the family by paying a fair contributions, if all else fails either myself or one of my sons move out.

The problem at such meeting is coming to a fair rent? A % of their income seems the most logical solution up to a ceiling, as I do not think either of them will ever earn more than £220 a week whilst living at home?

claire16c

NPowerUser wrote: »

Thanks Claire, Judi, Delree, Polly and Mojisola.

Its not just their financial contribution.

Both leave their washing strewn on the bedroom floor, wet towels on the bathroom floor, toothpaste tops missing, piles of late night washing up after getting hungry and the younger one, with his protein fad, is sometimes eating chicken destined for an evening meal at lunchtime also.

Neither offer to wash up, cut grass, do any shopping or anything other than cook on the spur and leave all the washing up.

Mum still buys them toiletries out of her own money. Lights get left on in empty rooms, radiators get left on in bedroom when not at home.

I have cut my hours as I no longer feel its fair that I work very unsociable hours so the family (sons) can live off my hard work and effort.

If my wife is happy with my sons paying the absolute minimum they can get away with, surely the same should apply to me?

I think your attitude to cutting your hours is rather petty - there is no reason why you can't work 40 hours a week & squirrel the money away, no one is forcing you to spend it on them.

When it comes to their behaviour you have to remember that as they're acting like selfish idiots they won't change their act unless they have a reason to.

They have no consequences for their behaviour right now. You might need to start treating them like babies if they're acting like babies.

You need to stand up and be the man in your own home, they're running rings around you.

Dump the washing & towels back in their room. Eventually they'll run out of clothes.

Say that as they're cooking their own stuff you won't be making dinners for them anymore.

The only thing is though, surely something had contributed to them acting like this? I wouldn't dare treat my parents in this way.

The problem is getting your wife to do this too. Have you spoken to her about the fact it's making you think about leaving?