Fair rent to charge family?

paddy's_mum

NPowerUser wrote: »

She will not accept that they should contribute a fair amount towards living at home

This is the root of the problem and until you can make her look at things differently (and more fairly, I might add) absolutely nothing will change.

It's not just the actual amount of money that counts, either. It's why is she buying them luxuries out of money that should be forming part of the family exchequer, whoever actually earned it? It's why is she running round after grown men picking up their dirty underwear and wet towels from the floor?

Why is she colluding with and/or enabling the three of them to 'rob' you? On what basis can she possibly justify her own selfishness (I want to Mummy my little boys) when she knows it is causing you to feel overwhelmed, undervalued, taken for granted and unloved, yet still carry on regardless? That doesn't suggest any deep love for you, does it?

In your shoes, I'd be putting that family conflab on hold for a week or two while I sorted out the insanity of the way your wife has been massively over-indulging and spoiling your sons. Would a way through be to point out to her that the end result of her smothering has been to actively teach them to walk all over you both? It's staggering that they have never been made to clean up behind themselves, at the very least! In my opinion, if they have not been taught how to be independent then she has failed completely in one of the most important aspects of parenting.

I appreciate that she is on anti-depressants and that you don't want to rock the boat too much - but I also think that until you lay it on the line (that you are already feeling that you want to leave this terribly unbalanced, non-sustaining marriage) she will just keep on doing the same old weak, damaging and 'dishonest' things.

Quite how you force her to change, I don't know, but this certainly needs to be all out in the open, with each of you knowing exactly how the other spouse feels, hurt feelings and ruffled feathers and all.

Only you know how close you are to calling it a day. In the end, you may have to make as much change as you can while accepting that this is how she is.

Good luck in sorting out this sorry tangle.

lostinrates

OP, two sons with board and lodging and presumably you and wife pay income tax on your earnings? I'd be looking for the financial amount from both to approximately equal the tax free allowance from the rent a room scheme. BUT, crucially, I would also be expecting a commitment other than vague in terms of required jobs and hours chores to be done in the house. For example. When my husband and I lived in my parents home as part of our commitment my husband took care of all our side maintainaince jobs,,.clearing gutters, fence repairs etc, as if the house were our own. These were down promptly and weekly.

Its not just about your home and your life, its about staying prepare and 'fit' for the demands of keeping a home of ones own later really.

neverdespairgirl

I expect (and get) more help from my 8 year old son than that. Obviously he doesn't pay rent, and we pay to feed and clothe him, but he is expected to help lay the table, clear the dishes afterwards, put his dirty clothes in the washing basket, hang his towel up, clear his toys away, and help put clean clothes in his chest of drawers and wardrobe. I don't treat him as a domestic slave, but I do expect him to keep his own stuff relatively tidy.

System

Maybe if you explain to your wife that if your boys were at school you'd get more from them in Child Benefit it might put things in a different persepective.

Just a thought.

jellyhead

I had to read it again because I thought you meant that the one on JSA keeps £10 and gives you the rest!

I have a teenager on income support (he's not mine, long story). He pays me the majority of it, keeping around £13 per week for himself.

If he was mine I'd get child benefit and tax credits of around £67 per week for him! If your sons were school age you'd be getting child benefit at least.

Even then, he's not paying his way when you take things like heating, washing, buying his favourite things in for lunches, etc. but you don't have kids for them to pay their own way, and I knew when I took him in that it would be to my financial cost.

But if they are not in education then what reason is there for them to not pay their own way? As for picking up their own clothes, clearing the table etc. as many of us have said they should have been doing those things since childhood. They could wash up, surely? My teenagers have chores such as vacuuming, putting out the bins and recycling, etc. which they manage in addition to full time study and part time work, because, well, they're not babies.

I want them to have lives when they leave home, to be able to function in society as adults and know how to run a house - otherwise what woman would put up with them?

Caroline_a

How sad it is when parents do everything for their children and then wonder why they expect this to carry on when they are older. I consider that the main aspect of being a parent is to teach your children to be independent, responsible adults, not grown up babies.

OP, maybe ask your wife if she had a daughter what would she consider an ideal husband to be for her. I would say she'd probably want someone who cared for her, who paid his way, who was an equal part of a partnership, etc etc

Then ask her if your sons are like that. You could have them there forever....

System

Caroline_a wrote: »

How sad it is when parents do everything for their children and then wonder why they expect this to carry on when they are older. I consider that the main aspect of being a parent is to teach your children to be independent, responsible adults, not grown up babies.

Exactly!:T:T:T

onlyroz

I agree that your main problem is with your wife. However, have you tried the "tough love" approach with your sons? E.g.:

- Cancel the TV and broadband contracts, saying that you no longer have enough money to fund these luxuries
- Stop doing all laundry, and pile any dirty clothes, towels etc back in their rooms
- Stop cooking their meals and provide cupboard space for them to put their own food in
- Make them pay for their own toiletries, mobile contracts etc

DigForVictory

Sounds like there is no 'fair rent' - as that is agreed on & I'm not hearing agreement soon in the future.

KxMx

Caroline_a wrote: »

How sad it is when parents do everything for their children and then wonder why they expect this to carry on when they are older. I consider that the main aspect of being a parent is to teach your children to be independent, responsible adults, not grown up babies.

OP, maybe ask your wife if she had a daughter what would she consider an ideal husband to be for her. I would say she'd probably want someone who cared for her, who paid his way, who was an equal part of a partnership, etc etc

Then as her if your sons are like that. You could have them there forever....

This is true, but OP has been good enough to admit now their parenting is at fault. Not all will and instead pull the amazement/woe is me card!