In this situation would you have said something (as I did) or keep quiet?

Saturnalia

If you invite people who live 3 hours away, especially if one often works weekends, one doesn't like driving all that way on their own, and they have children as well, then you extend the invitation to be nice and take it as a bonus if they are able to attend, surely?

A 2 year old isn't going to notice on the day that aunt & uncle aren't there, they'll be overwhelmed with all the fuss, visitors and presents they do get. In fact visiting the week after, the kiddy gets their attention for 2 days on a weekend that would otherwise be a normal one. And maybe an extra present after their birthday too!

Parents - does a 2 year old know about birthdays? I don't think my nephew grasped the concept until his 3rd was approaching.

duchy

meritaten wrote: »

But - wouldn't you all have turned round and gone back home? if they felt offended why stay? why not say 'scuse me but - it couldn't be helped and we came THIS weekend?' why say nothing and then text you were offended?

Possibly because they have better manners than the OP does ?
Possibly because after driving three hours and the fact they had kids with them amd wanted them to eat before going back ... Possibly because they were gobsmacked at the ungraciousness of their hosts ?

Good grief - It was a toddler's birthday party -and they accepted knowing it was a three hour drive. The husband had to work ......not everyone works in a job where it doesn't matter if they are there or not ......and some people simply have employers who don't give a stuff that you've made plans.

My bet is this two year old is the first child .....and the OP hasn't yet worked out that whilst they would reorganise anything to please that child -and even risk the wrath of their employer to do so .......not everyone else feels the same ... and no matter how much they think of you - believed you cared enough about them to understand that their livlihood came before attending a children's party !!

I think you owe them a huge apology ....... If I'd driven three hours on a precious weekend off (precious because the cousin obviously has to work some of them ....and also has kids) and was treated so rudely it'd be a very long time before I bothered making the effort to drive that distance to see you again !

As a matter of interest - as you are so convinced you are in the right....What oprompted you to post -Does your wife think you were wrong ...or has someone else said something ?

duchy

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

Wow, I'm surprised do people really not let each other know how they feel in situations like this? Doesn't not being honest cause more problems / resentment in the long run. To those suggesting that any malice was intended please don't be ridiculous.

You tell us....Did your "honesty" cause problems? Oh yes apparently it has.

No-one expects you not to be disappointed that a family member you are obviously really close to can't attend (obviously if you weren't really close you wouldn't have cared so much) ......but the appropriate response is to say on the phone at the time "Oh I'm really disappointed" Not stew on it for a week - wait til they've driven for three hours (with kids) and then have a good moan. If you wanted to moan you could have called them up any time within that week and voiced your complaints.... Why on earth would you want a family member you care about to spend time and money on a long car journey (and lets not even go there about the length of journey for children). It is inhospitable and rude .......and rather negates your complaints that you felt their cancellation was rude with your tit for tat response. Is this how you intend to teach your child to behave ? Heaven help them !!!

As for malice........The only ridiculous part is you made children endure a six hour round trip because you wanted to lecture the parents- despite having phone, internet etc . Doesn't sound very benign to me !!

Do you have Christmas plans with this branch of the family ?

Maybe an apology AND flowers !

January20

Your cousin's husband must have known well in advance what his shifts were going to be, and in view of the fact you had to buy special food for him, because of his food intolerance, I think you were right to air your displeasure.

I think too many people bottle things up and it turns into resentment and family members/ friends who think it's ok to behave selfishly!

As for your cousin's husband, very interesting he would text you wife after the day to say she was upset! Obviously thinks your wife is soft and not in agreement with you!

ETA: No, people don't tell others how peeved they are. Most people are cowards really! And most people can't take being ticked off for bad behaviour! They prefer to come over here and vent and feel resentful for years to come. They don't realise it sours relationship just as much. I find your attitude refreshing OP!

tea_lover

January20 wrote: »

Your cousin's husband must have known well in advance what his shifts were going to be,

Why must he?? The most notice we get of my OH working weekends is the evening before, often less than that.

paulineb_2

January20 wrote: »

Your cousin's husband must have known well in advance what his shifts were going to be, and in view of the fact you had to buy special food for him, because of his food intolerance, I think you were right to air your displeasure.

I think too many people bottle things up and it turns into resentment and family members/ friends who think it's ok to behave selfishly!

As for your cousin's husband, very interesting he would text you wife after the day to say she was upset! Obviously thinks your wife is soft and not in agreement with you!

ETA: No, people don't tell others how peeved they are. Most people are cowards really! And most people can't take being ticked off for bad behaviour! They prefer to come over here and vent and feel resentful for years to come. They don't realise it sours relationship just as much. I find your attitude refreshing OP!

Last minute shift changes can and do occur

paulineb_2

If someone had done what the OP did to me, Id be in no hurry to go back to their home. Ever.

If the air needed to be cleared about the previous weekend, it should have been cleared before their visit in my view.

And the fact that the OP needed to ask says it all, whether it was the right thing to do, or not.

Mojisola

January20 wrote: »

Your cousin's husband must have known well in advance what his shifts were going to be, and in view of the fact you had to buy special food for him, because of his food intolerance, I think you were right to air your displeasure.

I think too many people bottle things up and it turns into resentment and family members/ friends who think it's ok to behave selfishly!

But the OP did bottle it up - he waited a week until the visitors were in his house and then "aired his displeasure"!

If he was really upset, why not speak to them the previous weekend?

If he was really upset that they had missed the party, why have them at his house the following weekend? If he was quite able to tell them face-to-face that he was !!!!ed off with them, he could easily have told them by phone that they couldn't come to stay.

hazyjo

If it was a dinner party, a wedding, or you'd bought tickets for a show or something, fair enough. But a 2 year old's party? With what sounds like 'snacks' rather than having to 'cater' as you mentioned. If one of my cousins invited me to their 2 year old's party 3 hours away, I wouldn't exactly be thinking they'd miss me if I didn't go! Do they know there were around 20 invites?

Maybe he didn't have to work. Maybe they didn't feel like driving all that way. Maybe money was tight and the petrol alone would have been expensive, maybe they had a 'better offer' closer to home or wanted to spend time together, just the two of them.

You said you got gluten free cakes, bread and biscuits. Are they really that much more expensive?! It's not like that person and that person alone can eat them - anyone can. Surely you'd just let other people eat them? And as others said, you could have frozen the cakes/bread and kept the biscuits if it was really that important that he and he alone ate them.

They wouldn't have said anything at the time cos they didn't get a chance to talk about it themselves. Once they were in the car together going home, you can imagine the conversation. They obviously decided at the end of the chat that if you felt it necessary to raise the issue, they would also let you know that they too were peed off that you brought it up. They'd just come 3 hours (each way presumably) to see you/your family. I'd be peed off too.

Yes, I can see that it niggled you, but I think you failed to look at the bigger picture and saw just how irrelevant it all was in the scale of things.

Jx

pearl123

duchy wrote: »

Maybe an apology AND flowers !

That's precisely what I would do. I'd make it a large bunch too.