In this situation would you have said something (as I did) or keep quiet?

Lunar_Eclipse

Person_one wrote: »

Nothing was gained by telling them off, the only result is that they probably felt really awkward all day after driving three hours to see you.

They had a legitimate reason why they couldn't make it (and let's face it, a toddler's party is not an emergency, or likely to be a high priority for their parent's cousin) and they offered to make the journey on a different date so that they'd still see you and the little one.

They did nothing wrong, and you owe them an apology.

This. I think you totally over reacted, hopefully not because of precious child syndrone.

Acc72

LannieDuck wrote: »

I don't think I was passive aggressive - I didn't make snide comments or veiled hints, I addressed the issue directly. Not sure what's passive about that, apart from the medium I used. But it's hard to say something face-to-face to someone who you only see once every couple of months. You think it would have been better to wait until I saw them next? Isn't that exactly what the OP's being criticised for?

I didn't e-mail everybody in the group, I e-mailled the organiser. The group has since stopped meeting. I don't know whether that was as a result of my e-mail, but I doubt it - I think it was more to do with a couple of the people moving further away.

In my opinion it was passive agressive.

Rather than call the person and speak to them, you chose to send an e-mail where the other person is not given the same opportunity to respond/reply as a conversation.

You also e-mailed the organiser only - thy did you do this, the group met as a whole and not just one person. I would wager that the person you e-mailed you view as a "weaker" member of the group.

It is also interesting that the group (as it was) has not met since.

I wonder if the other members have met without you ?

ash28

LannieDuck wrote: »

I'm mostly with the OP on this one. It doesn't matter what the occasion was - the guests had accepted the invitation, and the OP had had to get food in specially. I would have been annoyed at such a late cancellation after they'd had so much notice.

However, if it was a one-off, I wouldn't have said anything. Last minute problems happen, shifts change etc. But if they've done this before, I probably would have said something.

I've had something very similar happen to me in the past - an event we were hosting had to be cancelled at the last minute because of illness (insufficient numbers to proceed). We'd catered lunch for everyone, but wrote it off as 'one of those things'. A few months later, the same group arranged to meet on a day we couldn't make. Despite being the same in number as the cancelled event, they decided to go ahead anyway. It wasn't last minute, and they could easily have chosen a different date. We were very annoyed and wrote an e-mail to say so. It didn't go down well, and we let it drop because we didn't want to make mountains out of molehills. But I'm still glad we said something. It wasn't about the money we spent on food, or the event itself, it was about basic consideration for others' time and effort.

I think the OP was over the top in his reaction to the cancellation.....it was a birthday for a 2 year old - at home. The extra food purchases were bread, biscuits and cake.....all of which can be eaten by other people.

If the cousin habitually cancels then the answer would be not to ask them again or if you did it would be in the knowledge that they may cancel.

However the fact that the cousin and family were prepared to make a 6 hour round trip the following weekend (when they were able to) would lead me to believe that the cousin and family value the relationship they have with the OP and family.

A 6 hour round trip and from the sounds of it in one day is quite an exercise if you have children. It's not a journey you undertake lightly and in terms of cost, the cost to the cousin and family would be far greater than the cost to the OP both in terms of money (even if gluten free is a bit more expensive than normal food) and time.

If I was the cousin I would have been a bit upset with the OP too......the cousin must have felt that the cancellation (especially if it was unavoidable) was ok with the OP and asked to visit the following week - which was used as an opportunity by the OP to tell them how he felt, he stipulated that they could only visit if he could tell them how p1ssed off he was at them, which makes me wonder if his wife had said no - let it be - whether he would have let the visit go ahead ....he should have saved the cousin and family the time and expense of the visit and told them over the phone.....

And all over a birthday party for a two year old who probably won't even remember it.

LannieDuck

Acc72 wrote: »

In my opinion it was passive agressive.

Rather than call the person and speak to them, you chose to send an e-mail where the other person is not given the same opportunity to respond/reply as a conversation.

You also e-mailed the organiser only - thy did you do this, the group met as a whole and not just one person. I would wager that the person you e-mailed you view as a "weaker" member of the group.

It is also interesting that the group (as it was) has not met since.

I wonder if the other members have met without you ?

I've rarely spoken to this person on the phone (in fact, i don't think I ever have). In contrast, I've e-mailled them many times. E-mail was the more appropriate form of contact. Of course they had the opportunity to respond, and they did. At which point I chose not to turn it into a huge argument, and let the matter drop.

Yes, I e-mailled one person and not the group, but they were the organiser. You'd lose your wager - I view her as one of the stronger members of the group, and very capable of giving as good as she gets.

But this thread isn't really about my situation, and I don't want to derail. I was only intending to use the example as an illustration for the OP to demonstrate that I appreciate his position, and he's not the only one who's wound up 'saying something' (or 'e-mailling something', if you prefer) in this type of situation.

Person_one

LannieDuck wrote: »

I've rarely spoken to this person on the phone (in fact, i don't think I ever have). In contrast, I've e-mailled them many times. E-mail was the more appropriate form of contact. Of course they had the opportunity to respond, and they did. At which point I chose not to turn it into a huge argument, and let the matter drop.

Yes, I e-mailled one person and not the group, but they were the organiser. You'd lose your wager - I view her as one of the stronger members of the group, and very capable of giving as good as she gets.

But this thread isn't really about my situation, and I don't want to derail. I was only intending to use the example as an illustration for the OP to demonstrate that I appreciate his position, and he's not the only one who's wound up 'saying something' (or 'e-mailling something', if you prefer) in this type of situation.

There are times when its appropriate to 'say something', to let people know that you feel hurt/upset/slighted etc. so that the air can be cleared, the situation discussed and everybody can move on.

This was not one of those times!

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

There are times when its appropriate to 'say something', to let people know that you feel hurt/upset/slighted etc. so that the air can be cleared, the situation discussed and everybody can move on.

This was not one of those times!

I so agree with this.

I would be the first one to say that many people are not honest and let things build up without clearing the air but as you rightly say this was not one of those times.

I am struggling to see what the Op hoped to achieve here.

Billie-S

I have to agree with the majority Tyler, that you over-reacted, and were quite rude yes. If I were your relatives, I wouldn't feel like coming back to see you again to be honest.

It's probably not what you wanted to hear, but to be honest, you DID over-react.

These people did absolutely nothing wrong, and you genuinely owe them an apology. I'm quite astounded that you don't think you have done anything wrong or that you said anything untoward.

Many people don't have much family - if any, and sit alone day in day out, night in night out, and even worry about spending Christmas alone. There was a heart-rending thread by someone on here a few days ago from a young man who is upset at the thought of spending Christmas alone, and people like this would be more than grateful to have someone visit.

Do you know how many people are alone and have no-one? How many people would kill to have family visit them. Some people chat to checkout operators and post office staff and fastfood restaurant workers and people at the bus stop, JUST to have someone to talk to.

Your cousin and family couldn't come the day you wanted, and it may have been something totally out of their control. They probably said it was 'work' as they didn't want to say the real reason, and they made the massive effort of coming probably 150 miles to see you the following week, and you made them feel like crap.

Seriously, apologise. You won't see them again if you don't. They won't come see you, and they certainly won't invite you over.

POPPYOSCAR

Acc72 wrote: »

In my opinion it was passive agressive.

Rather than call the person and speak to them, you chose to send an e-mail where the other person is not given the same opportunity to respond/reply as a conversation.

You also e-mailed the organiser only - thy did you do this, the group met as a whole and not just one person. I would wager that the person you e-mailed you view as a "weaker" member of the group.

It is also interesting that the group (as it was) has not met since.

I wonder if the other members have met without you ?

In my experience that is the worst thing you can do.

I have seen so many emails descend into arguments with people saying things they would never say face to face, and the written word can often be taken the wrong way.

notanewuser

ash28 wrote: »

A 6 hour round trip and from the sounds of it in one day is quite an exercise if you have children. It's not a journey you undertake lightly and in terms of cost, the cost to the cousin and family would be far greater than the cost to the OP both in terms of money (even if gluten free is a bit more expensive than normal food) and time.

<snip>

And all over a birthday party for a two year old who probably won't even remember it.

Did it yesterday - 170 miles each way for a little boy we aren't related to. It's not really a big deal, is it?

We do 5 500 mile round trips with £300 hotel bills a year for our 5 nieces' and nephews' birthdays. If you say you'll be there you should be there.

At what age is it worth it? 5? 8? 10? At those ages they're more likely to be having the sort of party that adults can't come to anyway!!!

Tyler_Du

Don't know why people are talking about my cousins children as her adult daughter stayed at home, the journey was more like 2 hours rather than 3 btw.
I will ensure this doesn't turn into a family rift.