Its a little bit complicated

mishmash

Hi Popy

Glad to hear that social services are working to protect your cousin.

Regarding her possible removal and placement, it is usual that a placement for a child would be sought with family members prior to a foster carer or children's home being considered. It is more often in the child's best interests to be placed with a family member or family friend rather than strangers.

However in your circumstances there may (and I mean may not definately) be a concern by the authorities that placing a child with you or even your mother may harm a criminal case, as you were a victim of this man and it may be considered that at any later date he could say in his defence that his child (your cousin) was mind washed. I stress I am only saying this will need to be considered, but the welfare of the child is paramount to any other issues (like criminal proceedings).

Therefor, if you or your Mum are able to accomodate her and she wants to be cared for by you, the social worker may see that this is in her best interests.

I do think it is also possible that innitially she may not want to be cared for by you or your mum, I don't want to be harsh but I am just trying to give you my advice from over 10 years experience of working with this kind of case.

It is common that despite horrific abuse at the hands of their parents,children remain very loyal to them. Children develop attatchments to their carer, and often if they have grown up with abuse, don't really know any different. I'm sure you can imagine that a call from social workers and being removed from her home and parents will turn your cousins world upside down. I know it is hard to see, when we as adults know it is in the child's best interests. I cannot tell you how many times I have been bitten, kicked and spat at while removing children from their abusive parents. It is very scary for them.

In your posts you said how your uncle had threatened you that if you told you would be taken away and those kind of things. It is very likely that he has repeated this kind of threat, it is also possible that she has been raised hearing bad things about your family from her mother and father. Feeling confused and scared it is possible that she may blame you, remember you said you were upset by the youth worker. I'm sure you will understand that she will be very confused about who or what to beleive.

However with time and love and support children can often learn what is 'normal' and may see that you are only acting in her best interests. I would sugest that you call the social worker and explain you would like to support your cousin, this could be by accomodating her, being in regular contact with her or just by getting updates from her social worker.

Child care cases can take a long time and can be very complex especially at your cousins age. I think the best thing is to make sure the social worker has your details and puts them on the file, so that now or any time in the future they can contact you. Also if you telephone regularly to see how she is ,this will be recorded on file. The social worker may be able to promote and facilitate contact and is more likely to do this if they know you are genuinly concerned for the child's welfare. Also if your cousin at any later date asks to see her file your telephone calls and expression of concern for her welfare will be there for her to see for herself.

I hope I have not offended you, I just wanted to give you the benefit of my experience and you know much more than I do how complex these things are and that this girl will feel very confused and vulnerable.

You have done the right thing by her, and even if she does not see it just now you have made every attempt to save her from further harm.

Much love

Mish

poppyscorner

poppyscorner wrote: »

Just wanted to post the latest,

New contact from SS today the SW said they have established that he is definately living there with them and they are going to the house apparently she will be told that he has to move out immediately and if they refuse they will immediately remove my cousin from their care HOWEVER I have greta reservations about this as my aunt is a proven liar on these matters and she has lied continually and been believed she will agree to move him out but they will then sneak around and he won't go away they should look at past experience of this SS have said they will drop in occasionally to see if he is there but I cannot see how this will work. SS have also asked my mum if they were to remove her would she take her in to her care my mum has agreed to do this and her and dad were discussing it tonight he also wants to do it as he doesn't want to see her in care but he is a little worried how they will manage as they both hold full time work and imagining what she has been through I would expect she would have great problems she may herself not totally realise the extent of what has happened to her if it is all she has ever known and despite what they have done she is sure to still love them and miss them and there may be some resentment that she has been removed.
I am deeply worried by the whole thing mostly for her but also a little for my family I would like her to have some stability to be able to rebuild her life and be allowed to grow into the happy young woman that she should be but I see quite troubled times for her in the immediate future.
I don't think her mother should be trusted an inch because of what she has done all of her decisions on their future have been based on the fact that her choice of partner is a convicted paedophile and I think that in itself should give the authorities the right to protect her daughter she does not deserve the title mother as far as I am concerned I could never do any of what she has done and the sightest sniff of anything like that and I would be off like a shot.

Thanks again for all of your supportive posts and special thanks to Mish for that inside view I don't think he is on the sex offenders register his release for his earlier crime was around Dec 1992/Jan 1993 and he only got a caution for us owing to the watered down info they got. And the SW today did talk about planning and protection meetings but havent got full info from mum of that.
Is it possible they may not place her with my parents because of work commitments or are they generally OK with that I only ask because if it was an issue then she could move here with us hubby and I have discussed this at length and both agree we would do it.

Thanks again everyone

Poppy

Hi Mish

Thanks for posting again your 'inside' knowledge is rather valuable to us at the present time I had asumed quite abit of what you posted above and have highlighted it in case you missed it. This is a point that I have been trying to stress to my parents as my mum says well we supported you but it isn't the same and our parents were not the perpetrators of our abuse and although very unpleasant I would like to bet that the extent of her abuse is far greater than what we endured. I also feel she may be very resentful of our family for reporting them to SS and her mother will most definately have filled her head up of stories of why she and my mum have no contact very possibly the one where my sister and I tried to destroy their family by coming onto her husband and having heard that for a long time she may well believe it so I think you are correct in your posting. I wondered if I could ask you another question one that troubles me but something we should all probably prepare for should she come to stay during my couselling sessions my counsellor was of the opinion that sometimes girls who have been brought up in these circumstances quite often react to men inappropriately as that is all they know would you say that was true or not this concerns me because if these actions took place and my father was the male in question he would be completely horrified and very troubled by it would SS provide any kind of counselling support for my parents or indeed my family unit should she come to live in one of these households surely they cannot just leave you to it. I feel that at present her living with us is not going to happen as my thoughts are that her mother will lie and only later will be caught out when they stumble upon him in the premises that is my feeling on the matter and I would hope she would value her daughter enough to put her first but as past experience proves she will do whatever to keep her family unit together.

Thanks again for all of the invaluable support

Poppy

poppyscorner

Here is the last update I have,

SS went and visited the house my aunt and my cousin was there he was out at work my aunt (according to SW) was very hostile and very aggresive in her attitude she blamed the hospital (where cousin was treated for theO/D) for the referral and SS have not revealed that it was infact us that made the referral their was a police child protection officer persent also.
They have not interviewed my cousin her mother though was told she had to sign a written agreement to state that he wasn't going to be living with them she signed but is not happy about it she has been warned that if he is found to be there then their daughter will be removed from their care.
SS emergency duty team will be dropping in on several occasions and if he is there then that is it.
Should they not have interviewed my cousin or is it unlikely that she would reveal anything anyway.
I am still worried to death about the whole situation and I am a bit shocked about how fast this whole thing has developed but I am glad that this time SS have shown an interest in helping her.
On a different note the website that had my details linked to hers has removed me altogether also my family.
The SW had said that she had discussed my sister and I with the police protection officer who has said that now is probably a good time to go back and press charges against him with the full story.
I feel I would like to but my sister refuses point blank so I would be alone in this action and I am thinking the whole thing over I am 25 tomorrow and I feel a bit like a lost child I am exhausted by this week and feel about 50 I think I have got a rocky few weeks ahead I totally respect my sisters decision but I don't know how to discuss it with her anyone got any tips on how to handle that conversation?

Poppy

arthur_dent_2

With everything that is continuing to happen to you I would say that your sisters head is a bit swiss cheesed at the moment. You all have so much to think about. I would suggest the pressing charges but then leave it a while, you will both have to be very strong to do this. Also hopefully in time the cousin would be able to press charges also making your case even stronger.

Continued good will and sympathy we will all continue to support you as much as a forum is able. You have made us all cry, you are such a strong and good woman, you have the greatest admiration from everyone on here.

May these evil people get what they deserve in a court of law.

KittyKate

Poppy, I really think it would make all the difference to you, your family and the welfare of any future victims if you did press charges. It'd be hard, but you know you have the full support of your parents and your sister's reluctance is irrelevant to your complaint. I'm sure she will understand.

This man is evil and needs to be brought to account for what he did otherwise he will go on to hurt more and more innocent children. He should be locked up and the key thrown away. You have been so brave so far, we know you can do this. Good luck.

mishmash

Hi Popy

No worries about asking any questions, thats what we all do on this site. I have got loads of help from others, reclaiming my bank charges, booking a holiday , selling my house and even reducing my weekly shop. So I feel it is right I should use my experience to help you and I am honoured to.

You are right when you say abused children often display sexualised behaviour, not always though. This is often an indicator of possible sexual abuse and is generally seen in younger children. It may be that they use innapproptiate words, or have understanding of sexual behaviour not appropriate to their age or they display sexual behaviour through play.

However it can also be the case that children and some teenagers may be sexualised in their behaviour as a means to please. If they have grown up with this as normal. I have worked with children who have stuggled too learn that abuse is not a reward or a sign of being loved.

I would say that it may not be the case, at your cousins age she will have had male teachers and others who should have picked up this. I would guess ( if she did display this behaviour) that it would manifest itself in what would appear to be 'coming on' to a male carer, this is somthing that foster carers often have to deal with.

It can be managed, she will need to be told it is not appropriate, by her carers, councillor and others but told in a loving way that does not reject her. There may need to be plans made that she is not alone in the house with a male innitially and obviously thought given to locks on bathroom or even bedroom doors. The social worker will be able to offer all the support needed if this does happen.

I say again you are doing evrything right by her and I can see from your posts that you are seeking to safegaurd her best interests.

Regarding the possible further prosecution for crimes against yourself.

AS I said earlier things have changed considerably, in the way that you are interviewed and the provisions that can be made for you in the court. I can understand your sisters reluctance, people often want to leave this kind of horror behind them she may also recall the terrible victim care you said you got.

However I do feel this would be an opportunity for you to put this behind you and take controll over it. I also think that any new prosecution would serve to protect further victims and may even help your cousin. It may be that if you decided to do this your sister would follow your lead when she realised things have changed and that she could take controll.

All said it has to be entirely up to you and no-one could blame you for feeling that you had done enough. As I have said I do feel you have shown remarkable strength.

Please feel free to post or P.M me with any queeries.

Much love

Mish

lil_me

Poppy, I really don't know what to say. I do hope your cousin is safe and well and this somehow is all over for you all soon. I have no idea what you are going through by now but it can't be easy.

Limana68

Hi there Poppy
Just read all the threads, and just want to say keep strong and you are doing fantastically, you really need to do this and tell your story, and hopefully get this MONSTER behind bars, and hope to god your aunt will realise what she has been living with all these yrs.
Your sisters story would also help with the case, but she seems reluctant and I know its bloody hard to get it out in the open after all these yrs, but keep trying with her wont you.......
I really hope you get in touch with your cousin too...... you all need each other at the mo and I am so glad you have your brilliant parents!They sound fantastic!

Take care you

Li

cobbingstones

Poppy,

You are a fantastic survivor! I wish you everything xxx

MM

ailuro2

Poppy- your posts make it sound like you are ready to do what you feel you should do. I suspect from your posts, that, frightening as it may seem, you want to go ahead and press charges. If you are sure then go for it.

Tell your sister what you told us. You respect her decision, that you will not judge her for not pressing charges, but that you would like appreciate her continued friendship,love and sisterhood as you go through the case.

Our very best wishes go with you at this crossroads in your life. Sometimes the harder road will take you to a better destination.Good Luck,Poppy.