Am I being selfish :(

aileth

Babywanted wrote: »

We did consider this but MIL won't hand the cash to hubby, she says she would book his ticket but considering hubby doesn't want to go without me it's a no win situation

I'm starting to wonder whether, as someone mentioned earlier, MIL has splashed the cash on something for herself or has used it to pay off debts, and the fact she won't give you the cash is because she doesn't have it and she can get the tickets on her credit card.

I'd be asking for proof that she still has said cash.

Scorpio33

hazyjo wrote: »

Maybe me as an adoptee, I didn't see it that way. I really don't think they meant to be offensive/funny.

Okay, off topic, yes. So let's get back to that...

Jx

Yes, but to me you still have hope of having your own child and do not want to even consider adoption until all avenues of having your own child have been exhusted.

Thinking about adoption is practical, but it almost feels like you are giving up on having your own children, which is extremely difficult to come to terms with and something you don't want to think about unless you have to.

Agree adoption is better than not having any children and people are trying to help, but it feels like a kick in the teeth - almost saying that you have to give up having your own children, which is heartbreaking.

couponqueen123

aileth wrote: »

I'm starting to wonder whether, as someone mentioned earlier, MIL has splashed the cash on something for herself or has used it to pay off debts, and the fact she won't give you the cash is because she doesn't have it and she can get the tickets on her credit card.

I'd be asking for proof that she still has said cash.

i wouldnt but i would be making it clear me and hubby wont be at the wedding so if we cant have the money that we thought was for us as adults to decided what to do with , then we shall be taking some time to our selves as we need to find a way of funding the treatment ,

and its upset you both you would like some time to come to terms with the fact that money you were going to use to try have a child has to be spent on a wedding ,

not all people are like me but i would not be able to just let it go i would have to tell them they are upsetting me and i need space as a wedding is nowhere near as important as a child especially as a wedding costs what u make it cost i have friends who have spent thousands on wedding i wouldnt dream of it you might as well light the money on fire as you wont see it again :rotfl:

best of luck hun hope it gets sorted if not you have your hubby and us on here when u want a moan rant :eek::rotfl:

heartbreak_star

If you adopt, it IS your own child. Should not be thought of any other way IMO.

Any closer to a discussion or a resolution, babywanted?

HBS x

Nicki

If the parents are being intransigent, I'd get your husband to have a go at the sister personally. I'd take her to one side and say that I was happy that she was getting married and would go to her wedding but I would source and book my own hotel and tickets myself, and that I would need my share of the joint gift in my bank account before I did so. I would also say to her that if the money wasn't going to be paid over now, that she should realise that her decision to have an expensive wedding abroad was having the repurcussion that you would potentially be deprived of the chance to have a family of your own, and that you felt that SHE was being extremely unfair to you by taking that chance away from you. I would also make clear to the sister that not only would you not be attending the wedding if the money wasn't forthcoming, but that the chances are that you would be breaking off contact with the whole family as a result (if this is what you would do).

If the parents in law HAVE spent the money and were planning on putting the wedding tickets on a credit card, there is no reason at all why they should not be prepared to put the IVF treatment on a credit card instead. These fees don't have to be paid in cash any more than holidays do.

For those banging on about NHS treatment, if the OP and her partner are eligible at all, it may only be for one cycle, and for those of us who have been down that route, it often takes more than one cycle to achieve success. And for those suggesting adoption, that is not your choice to make on behalf of the OP.

notanewuser

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Yes, but to me you still have hope of having your own child and do not want to even consider adoption until all avenues of having your own child have been exhusted.

Thinking about adoption is practical, but it almost feels like you are giving up on having your own children, which is extremely difficult to come to terms with and something you don't want to think about unless you have to.

Agree adoption is better than not having any children and people are trying to help, but it feels like a kick in the teeth - almost saying that you have to give up having your own children, which is heartbreaking.

It wasn't meant as a joke, or to be insensitive or cruel.

The OP says elsewhere that they have been trying for 10 years already. She seems to be pinning everything on IVF. That's fine, of course.

However, this is why I suggested it. Some friends of mine had unexplained infertility and tried for about 8 years, tried IVF etc, before deciding to try adoption. They adopted a little boy of 18 months and the following month their own son arrived. Taking the focus off conceiving helped it to happen.

My SIL had medical issues which stopped her conceiving, discovered after 5-6 years of trying. 1.5 rounds of IVF gave her a daughter. 1.5 years later along came number 2, which they didn't think could happen naturally. Something just "clicked".

I'm not telling the OP to give up, just that there are other options which sometimes unexpectedly give the desired effect!!

tea_lover

notanewuser wrote: »

Taking the focus off conceiving helped it to happen.

That's even worse! For some people, maybe 'relaxing' :mad: will help. But it won't grow sperm, it won't mature eggs, it won't bypass damaged tubes, etc. Suggesting adoption and relaxation are seriously two of the most hurtful, insensitive and downright offensive things you can say to someone who's stuggling to conceive.

Nicki

notanewuser wrote: »

However, this is why I suggested it. Some friends of mine had unexplained infertility and tried for about 8 years, tried IVF etc, before deciding to try adoption. They adopted a little boy of 18 months and the following month their own son arrived. Taking the focus off conceiving helped it to happen.

My SIL had medical issues which stopped her conceiving, discovered after 5-6 years of trying. 1.5 rounds of IVF gave her a daughter. 1.5 years later along came number 2, which they didn't think could happen naturally. Something just "clicked".

I'm not telling the OP to give up, just that there are other options which sometimes unexpectedly give the desired effect!!

There have been lots of studies into this "phenomenen" that you believe in and none of them have shown that your chances of conceiving after adoption are any higher than they were before you adopted.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

from:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/myths-and-facts.html

but there are dozens more sources to the same effect.

hawk30

Nicki wrote: »

For those banging on about NHS treatment, if the OP and her partner are eligible at all, it may only be for one cycle, and for those of us who have been down that route, it often takes more than one cycle to achieve success. And for those suggesting adoption, that is not your choice to make on behalf of the OP.

I don't think anyone has been 'banging on about NHS treatment'; rather we have asked whether it is possible for her. All she has to say is that I'm not eligible (possibly because of her weight) or that her PCT has strict criteria. Because not all PCTs only offer one round - mine offers three.

liney

You arent going because you can't fly and DH is not willing to without you, but you will be going on a med cruise soon because you can't fly so the Florida holiday will not happen. Therefore you would like the gifted money to book your departure from Southampton

Yes it's a crock, but you might find out if they have any intention of actually handing DH any of the promised money once and for all.

Lets face it, you are having a big fall out over this one way of another.