Best Ways to Turn a Guy Down When He's Persistent?

Brallaqueen

It can be really hard to draw attention to inappropriate behaviour, whether out of misplaced sorrow for the chap (putting it down to loneliness/poor social skills / not really a bad person) or because, as you hinted before, you are worried that people will think you are leading him on and somehow creating the problem.

Believe me when i say that what other people think right now is not as important as you and your safety. Don't care that he has poor social skills, that he had few friends, that you don't want to cause a scene.
Care that he *is* in the wrong whether he believes it or not, care that he *is* completely ignoring your reactions and responses and that is not what any decent person does. Care for yourself and your god-given right not to be molested by anyone, for any reason.
Do whatever you need to do to feel safe - you are allowed to feel safe.if you are not comfortable confronting him then don't, find a method that you are comfortable with

Know that you do not have to let this happen to you because causing a fuss is somehow worse.

fluffnutter

go_cat wrote: »

Yes and I agree with you ...however the OP has tried to say no she isn't interested but he has not listened. Yes he is being predatory however these kind of men tend to be a bit unhinged and irrational so my suggesting the OP kept away from social situations was said to avoid the situation escalating as it easily could.

Sure, I get why you said it. And on the face of it, of course it makes sense. But the upshot is... woman stays at home missing out on seeing her friends despite doing nothing wrong. Man gets to go out and enjoy himself despite being a prick. There are no conditions placed on his behaviour. Instead the woman gets to have no life so that he can do what he wants.

All women need to be aware of this. It's really, really important. Do NOT modify your own behaviour and think you don't have a right to go out, to be safe at night, to go to parties etc. just so you can be 'safe' from men. It's not far from this to 'it's your own fault you got raped - you skirt was too short'.

Brallaqueen

Fluffnutter, I agree with you in principle.
However there are women who are comfortable with standing up for themselves in a confrontational manner and there are women who are not. OP has already hinted that she is worried people will blame her for his behaviour (not unreasonably, we know how sh1tty and victim blaming people can be) so maybe fronting it out is not the best method for her.

Person_one

Fluffnutter is completely right. Staying away, leaving when he bothers you etc. is not only completely unfair but its giving him a level of power and control over you that is not appropriate.

It would actually be better for him to leave, and its ok to tell him that, forcefully, with lots of witnesses and backup.

If you're in somebody's house at a party, then you tell them that one of their guests is harassing you and won't take no for an answer and that you expect them to tell them to leave.

If you're in a bar or a club, tell a security bod he's groping you and won't leave you alone.

geoffky

Hit the road weirdo...

giantmutantbroccoli

I would really like to stress that I'm not in imminent danger from this guy. He doesn't know where I live or work, he hasn't harassed me over the phone since I texted him, he doesn't live near me. I've met him a total of two times. I may or may not bump into him next time I'm out with friends. I also don't have a problem with causing a scene when I'm angry/upset, and will have no trouble rejecting him loudly and publicly, or even responding physically to defend myself.


That said, I can see why people are recommending I avoid him. I intend to avoid him, just not to the extent of avoiding my friends just because he might show up.

go_cat

Out of interest how old is he.... Are you likely to be his first infatuation?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Physical strength counts for nowt when a sleazeball is armed with rohypnol or a knife.

Yorkie1

I agree with the others' advice.

I had this problem some years ago with a chap who I'd known for some time in a wider group of friends. I gave him a lift home one day from a party, and he asked for a kiss when he got out. I said no but he persisted and therefore I allowed him to kiss me on the cheek.

From then on, he wouldn't take no for an answer on the persistence front. I got phone calls and letters, and he would approach me whenever we were in a social setting together.

I wasn't prepared to stop going to these social situations with my friends, who I made sure knew about the pestering. They were willing to shield me from him if necessary. I was more than willing to keep telling him no, but he didn't really understand the usual social signals. To be honest, from my longstanding knowledge of him, I'm pretty sure he was on the autistic spectrum and was unable to pick up normal social signals.

The letters and phone calls got more persistent to the extent that I was screening the calls, and he was using emotional blackmail to say that I was a bad person if I didn't go out with him. I was never, ever, at physical risk from him though.

Eventually I had to threaten him with the police if he didn't desist, and I got someone else to reinforce the message. It worked, luckily, but I would have reported him to the police if need be.

If, between you and your friends, you cannot put him off, then by all means go to the police. They are supposed to be far more proactive on the stalking and harassment front these days.

Good luck and don't change your routines.

aridjis

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Physical strength counts for nowt when a sleazeball is armed with rohypnol or a knife.

True, but hopefully he's just a sad g1t as opposed to a dangerous predator.

If I were the OP and the mutual friend invited me out somewhere I'd tell her if he's going to be there I'm not going!

ETA how old is he, actually, OP?