Best Ways to Turn a Guy Down When He's Persistent?

lostinrates

panagia wrote: »

True, but hopefully he's just a sad g1t as opposed to a dangerous predator.

If I were the OP and the mutual friend invited me out somewhere I'd tell her if he's going to be there I'm not going!

ETA how old is he, actually, OP?

Lets just say he IS just a sad git.

Op sounds secure confident and well supported. Suppose his next object of affection is less confident?

The guy should have a line drawn. A lot of talk before about how men should behave, how women should. IMO, any one in a room where this is going on and is looking the other way is behaving badly. If you don't like it and don't feel able to step in then nothing stopping anyone in the room making a call.

Not vigilantism, but break it up, remember it, and tell the guy, if he's a chum, its not on and its been noted. Its not 'men' or 'women' its everyone.

aridjis

lostinrates wrote: »

Lets just say he IS just a sad git.

Op sounds secure confident and well supported. Suppose his next object of affection is less confident?

The guy should have a line drawn. A lot of talk before about how men should behave, how women should. IMO, any one in a room where this is going on and is looking the other way is behaving badly.

Not vigilantism, but break it up, remember it, and tell the guy, if he's a chum, its not on and its been noted. Its not 'men' or 'women' its everyone.

If it was at a party people may have been too merry to take much notice of the OP's predicament? I agree about having the line drawn but should people have to correct a grown adult?

I suppose that's why I'm wondering how old he is, - is he an angst-ridden teen, or is he some sad 20- or 30-something

lostinrates

panagia wrote: »

If it was at a party people may have been too merry to take much notice of the OP's predicament? I agree about having the line drawn but should people have to correct a grown adult?

I suppose that's why I'm wondering how old he is, - is he an angst-ridden teen, or is he some sad 20- or 30-something

No, no one should have to correct a grown adult., but if the world were that ideal we wouldn't need a police force and the police wouldn't ask for witnesses.

Put it this way, if you saw someone....lets say, slap or push an old person or child, steal in a shop, hit an animal, or commit any other crime would you turn a blind eye? Why is it 'ok' therefore to turn a blind eye to a man who is failing to control himself and at best put someone in a position that makes them uncomfortable, but at some point, crosses the line into being not within the bounds of lawful behaviour.

aileth

If he really is just a bit of a loser, can you not let your friends know and then when you meet him again have all your friends and yourself stand in front of him and tell him in no uncertain terms? The only other thing you can do is try to avoid being where he is... easier than it sounds, I know.

However, sounds like he has a bit of an unhealthy obsession and unhealthy obsessions can get dangerous. If you're worried it might develop into stalking or such like, you could also contact the NSS, let them know your concerns and ask for their advice.

hazyjo

Haven't read all the replies, but wanted to say do not just say words at him, they'll go completely over his head. After a few times of saying 'I'm not interested' 'leave me alone now' or saying nicey nicey things trying to placate him - you then have to be firm to the point of nasty.

Can't remember who or when, but do remember someone being very gropey and drunk around me. They don't take no for an answer. Best way to deal with them is to snap. Put on your angriest face, stare at him straight in the eyes and say something like 'you lay one more fking finger on me and I'm calling the police. Now leave me alone.' Then walk away. He might take the pee for a while but he will leave you alone and won't push it too far again.

Some people are a right pain when drunk. You have to be firm.

Jx

Mojisola

aileth wrote: »

However, sounds like he has a bit of an unhealthy obsession and unhealthy obsessions can get dangerous. If you're worried it might develop into stalking or such like, you could also contact the NSS, let them know your concerns and ask for their advice.

This is what would concern me because you can't win if you're unlucky enough to be chosen by someone with an obsession.

Every time you happen to look in his direction, he "knows" you're gazing at him. Every time you ignore him, he "knows" that you don't want everyone to know that you're smitten with him. Every time you tell him to go away, he "knows" it's just because you want him to prove to you that he's really interested in you.

For him to be so fixated on you after one meeting and a goodbye kiss at a bus stop, I would err on the side of caution. Personally, I would stay away from any gathering if he's going to be there for a couple of weeks. If he still reacts the same way after that break or, even worse, he seeks you out in the meantime, you have a problem on your hands and will need to take things further in order to keep yourself safe.

Also, make sure that your mutual friends know that he is being a nuisance and that you are not the slightest bit interested in him. He may be telling them that you are!

JasX

paulineb - I gave him my number early on the first night, when I still had the impression that he wanted to be friends. That's a mistake I won't make again in a hurry.

just tossing in something on the practical side. If you have a smart phone there'll probably be a free(ish) app you can download to block anything incoming from a particular number ie. calls/texts.

Mobile networks don't tend to be responsive on that front so much these days

giantmutantbroccoli

Thanks again everybody for the useful advice, I think this conversation had pretty much run it's course now. I have a plan on how to handle him if need be, and it's now looking quite unlikely that I'll see him again as he's fallen out with my close friend. To answer a few of your questions: he's in his 20s, so I'd say a bit old for his first infatuation. He hasn't stalked me, other than following me around that one party, and I haven't heard from him since the party. He was quite drunk, it's even possible that he remembered how badly he behaved and is now embarrassed by it. I am almost 100% certain that he is just "a sad git" lol.

I do agree that people should ask if help is needed, if they see something like this going on. I've done it myself for friends, and it's not hard to just ask if someone's okay, if they need help, or if they'd forgotten that they had to leave the club now because *insert made up excuse here*.

I don't agree that I need to start carrying a rape alarm or stay away from social gatherings because he might be there. I don't think I'm in any more danger from this one, obviously creepy, guy than I am from any other random drunk stranger who may or may not be a rapist/murderer/etc.
I don't let strange creepy guys buy me drinks. Like most women my age (mid 20s) I'm well aware of the existence of rohypnol, which is why I keep anything I'm drinking within sight at all times. I'm also quite advanced in self-defence, to the point where him having a knife would - probably - not be an issue. Of course, if it were an issue, I could find myself raped and murdered - just as I could find myself mugged, or hit by a bus tomorrow. I'm not about to start living my life with the expectation that's going to happen, though.

That said, I'm quite certain that's all completely irrelevant as all the evidence suggests he's just some sad, no-hope loser with no social skills and no clue. And I promise not to come crying back to you guys if I wake up murdered

aileth

I actually kind of feel sorry for him in a way now!!!

Hopefully he'll go to one party and find a woman who is as much of a weirdo and they can sit in the corner sh*t-faced touching each other up.

Person_one

Its never a bad idea for anybody to carry a personal alarm. They're only little and they cam go on your keyring.