Heartbroken. What to do?

coolcait

It's one of those situations where the OP knows that she's screwing.

But hasn't yet realised that she's being screwed.

maintenanceman

coolcait wrote: »

It's one of those situations where the OP knows that she's screwing.

But hasn't yet realised that she's being screwed.

how did you you come to that conclusion. I am interested.

maintenanceman

jeezus things must be desperate co I am watching Glee on g4+. Help!!

maintenanceman

coolcait I thought you were female.

maintenanceman

maintenanceman wrote: »

coolcait I thought you were female.

coolcait too cool to answer

pelirocco

brasso wrote: »

No, you've been somewhere else, but you rather like the idea that you can conflate your personal life with that of the OP.

How glib, how easy to bounce around words like "liar" and "coward", when you are talking about invisible, unknown people on an internet forum And the "poor unsuspecting wife". How much do you really know about this poor unsuspecting wife? And how much of that is really you thinking of yourself or your friends, and nothing to do with the OP?

It is so easy and so lazy to play the horrified Daily Mail-reading broomstick-up-the-bottom type in response to this. Frankly, if you've nothing positive or pleasant to put forward, why not just tut-tut in the privacy of your own handkerchief, and then get back to worrying about the need to protect your own grubby little secrets?

Are we only supposed to reply positively to posts?

Why get so wound up over something that doesn't impact on your own life , especially if the OP is probably a troll

paulineb_2

brasso wrote: »

Before I join in with the smug applause, can I just confirm that this is the theory bit, the imaginary bit, the would-be-nice-to-have bit. Yes?

This isn't the real-life, real-people thing, is it....?

Well the real life real people scenario so far seems to consist of

1 A quick meeting and a bunk up in a hotel (but its love)
2 A thousand emails
3 A man who lives with an "awful" wife (so awful he cant bring himself to say what shes done)
4 A man who married someone 18 months ago and immediately stopped sleeping with her because things have been so bad from the very beginning
5 Someone who is so miserable, hes going to take the next two months to decide whether to stay or go
6 Hes good with the kids and gives them stability (even though hes sleeping with someone else behind his wifes back)
7 The sex wasnt important, they had an emotional connection (but they had sex anyway)

Heres the thing about starting a thread on here. You ask for advice. When the advice isnt what you want you arent happy about it and dont take any of it. But just as you are entitled to your opinion so are other people on here.

And if someone has made mistakes and wants to give the OP a bit of advice so what? You call someone out because of their so called "grubby little secrets" but then you talk about it being real life?
The poster youve just called out for having grubby little secrets spoke about how her life was when her husband left her for another woman and how it affected her kids. I wouldnt call that a grubby little secret, not sure how you came to that conclusion.

paulineb_2

brasso wrote: »

Observation.

Many times, I've listened to bleating, sanctimonious people make judgements about others when I know darn well that they are a very long way from perfection themselves.

Oh, how we love to pour buckets of disdain over people -- particularly strangers. But how many of us have histories that would stand up to close examination?

Very few, IMO.

And look at the way you responded to another poster on here for sharing their own experience.

MrsE_2

Valli wrote: »

So we have here a self-confessed lonely person - and, unfortunately, she's been singled out by an older man, showered with attention and she's fallen hook, line and sinker..

If you're 18 an older man could be mature & glamorous, but when your knocking on 40, it's a younger man that would turn your head, not some old git!

FBaby

You're absolutely right OP. You shouldn't stay in a relationship if you're unhappy. But, and there is a huge BUT here, only a coward and a liar will sort himself out with another woman before telling his poor unsuspecting wife that he isn't happy in his relationship. It's a win win for him isn't it ? If you decide not to continue with the relationship, he still has his wife and kids, if you do, he gets to start a new life with you.

I really hope you know what you're letting yourself in for before you decide. In my opinion, you can't possibly, at this stage, have any idea of what this man is really like. From the little i've learned about him, from what you've posted, i'd give him a wide berth. He's a cheat and a liar, nothing more. I know, because i've been there.

OP, of all the posts that have been written, I would focus on this one. However much you have fallen in love, however much you have chosen to believe every words he tells you, one fact remains : you do not know him and he doesn't know you.

I fell in love with my husband immediately and our relationship started very quickly, talking of kids and marriage after only a few weeks. We had nothing to hide at all, and still I would say that I didn't get to know who he really was until months later. We then both had to work on our relationship and accept some compromises to move it on.

One thing that I have learnt, is that talk is cheap. Many people say things but often their actions don't match these words. I promised myself after years of being led down by promises (words) that I would not trust a man until his actions matched his words, however sincere, trustworthy, charming they were. I am trusting a man, my husband, for the first time in my life (and I'm older than you) because he was proven to me that he meant all he said.

One can debate how quickly you love someone. I personally believe you CAN love someone after a few hours....but I don't believe for one second you can truly trust them.

What would very much bother me in your situation is that he could claim so loudly that his marriage is finished when it's only been 18 months. What happened that would lead to such definitive feelings. Surely you get married because you want to (struggle to believe that he would have gone with it when he didn't want to considering his standing, age and the fact they don't have children together). Surely it didn't all start going wrong after only a couple of months. Surely, the marriage is still much to fresh to give up on it so simplistically, just because things have changed. I would struggle to trust the integrity, strength of character and determination of man who would be prepared to throw away such a high level of commitment at the first troubles.

If he had said to you that he was married, but things were a bit difficult at the moment, that he was doing everything to save his marriage and get back what they used to have, that hopefully it would work, but if not, then he would have to consider moving on, then I would have a bit more belief in his words. But his saying all the stereotypical phrases 'she changed, the marriage is dead, I'm only staying for the kids, I don't love her any longer etc...' would raise some serious alarm bells in my mind.

You seem an incredible trusting person. Maybe it is because you have never been through utter betrayal, that is, people making promises with all the fondness of their heart, manipulating their words so that you couldn't possibly doubt them, all for them to become words that were supposedly never said, never meant seriously. Believe it that this happens all the time, and not just by spiteful people, but most commonly by self-centered people, who ultimately only care about their own interest.

The only way to protect yourself against it all is to accept that this is very much a possibility in your case. You can decide to give it a chance, that he is different and that you can make it work without too much damage, but do also consider that all what is seems might not be what it is.