Heartbroken. What to do?

paulineb_2

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Thanks Valli. You are probably right. I should walk away now.

No I haven't heard his wife's side of the story. They avoid spending any time together unless it is with the children. They have even shifted their bedtimes so they don't have to spend time in bed together. This has been going on since they got married 1 1/2 years ago.

I mean come ON!!!!! Who gets married and then immediately stops sleeping with their wife?

What a load of sweaty b*llocks.

System

OP by now you will have realized that you cant post on this site (or any site really) for advice about healing the pain of a broken heart when you've had an affair with a married man.

This is a cross you will have to bear, and have to bear alone.

Soleil_lune

paulineb wrote: »

I mean come ON!!!!! Who gets married and then immediately stops sleeping with their wife?

What a load of sweaty b*llocks.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

paulineb_2

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

Now I appreciate that the advice is going to be “get over it” but just writing my story down will make me feel better. I also fully expect to get flamed for this but please hear me out. (I am a regular poster on the forums but have created a new identity for this post.)

I’m an academic working at one of the top UK universities. I am a 37 year- old woman and have pretty much given up on finding love. I have now been single for years and I don’t like it, but I just don’t seem to meet anyone whom I’d be interested in and vice versa. I am also terrible at dating

Approx. 4 weeks ago I met a 52 year-old fellow academic (let’s call him M) in a professional setting. He works at another top university ca. 150 miles away. Me and M ‘clicked’ immediately, and connected effortlessly on many levels. I knew before he arrived that he is married - his wife (another academic working in the same department as M) was meant to attend as well but had pulled out.

After dinner he sent me an email suggesting to meet up in the morning (it was Saturday) for a tour of the town. We met in town, and what followed were three extraordinary hours where we were in our own little universe, only focusing on each other and forgetting the world around us. He was very reluctant to leave. We didn’t kiss (well on the cheek only). By this point we had fallen in love with each other. And yes, I know he is married (if very unhappily so).

We have since sent over 400 emails each and spoken on the phone several times. The decision to meet up was made very quickly, and it happened last weekend (in a different town, staying in a hotel). It was pure bliss, but the deceit was weighing heavily on our minds.

This is of course an impossible situation and cannot continue. M adores his step children and puts up with the truly awful behaviour of their mother to preserve a sense of family for them. (He is very good with the kids.) There is no perspective for us. I am utterly heartbroken; he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He is dying to see me but he just can’t pull off leading a ‘dual life’, and he doesn’t want to jeopardise his step children’s happiness.

Any advice would be much appreciated, including how to get over the end of a relationship before it has even begun.

(Most of my friends are fellow academics who know the person involved so I can't really talk to anyone about it.)

He puts up with the awful mum to preserve a sense of family for the stepkids (who were already a family before he came along).

Doesnt want to jeaopardise his step kids happiness but has asked for some time and space to work out whether hes going to stay in his marriage or leave it?

Hes a saint in human form really. Theres nothing about this opening post that makes sense because theres so much evidence to discredit the fact that this man is indeed a decent bloke.

paulineb_2

Hes so nice hes going to stay with them over Christmas and the New Year but might just !!!!!! off and be with the OP afterwards.

Id be very surprised if this man got to 52 years of age and just suddenly started having extra marital affairs.

Very surprised.

Hes painted himself as this put upon saint, notice no mention of what exactly his wife has done that makes her just so bad. And hes good with the kids because he says so.

Just wake up and smell the coffee. If you dont, a lot of heartache awaits you.

splishsplash

UnLucky_in_Love wrote: »

I must say I disagree here. Again I am not saying it's great. He took the decision to cheat on her. I am not cheating on anyone.

I find it interesting that most posters on here are focusing on the sex. For us that's not the point at all.

You don't know what the point is for him apart from what he tells you. You already know he lies, so you can't even trust that. However, actions speak louder than words... oh wait, never mind.

System

You guys need to stop focusing on the sex.

If you think having sex with this guy hasn't made a scrap of difference to your 'friendship/relationship/feelings' you are seriously deluded otherwise you wouldn't have done it.

Most people (including me) thinks that the sexual side of a relationship is the 'icing on the cake'. I could go even more personal and say that the sexual side of my relationships have cemented the way I feel about the man I love.

Like I said before, if your going to lose your heart to someone. Make sure he's worth it.

Building_Surveyor

OP how do you know your the only 'other' woman? He could be stringing a number of women along, saying the exact same to them as he is to you...

brasso

Valli wrote: »

If you're unhappy you leave/separate.

When the dust has settled and you're feeling ready to move on that's when you start looking for someone else, if that's what you want.

Before I join in with the smug applause, can I just confirm that this is the theory bit, the imaginary bit, the would-be-nice-to-have bit. Yes?

This isn't the real-life, real-people thing, is it....?

brasso

meer53 wrote: »

You're absolutely right OP. You shouldn't stay in a relationship if you're unhappy. But, and there is a huge BUT here, only a coward and a liar will sort himself out with another woman before telling his poor unsuspecting wife that he isn't happy in his relationship. It's a win win for him isn't it ? If you decide not to continue with the relationship, he still has his wife and kids, if you do, he gets to start a new life with you.

I really hope you know what you're letting yourself in for before you decide. In my opinion, you can't possibly, at this stage, have any idea of what this man is really like. From the little i've learned about him, from what you've posted, i'd give him a wide berth. He's a cheat and a liar, nothing more. I know, because i've been there.

No, you've been somewhere else, but you rather like the idea that you can conflate your personal life with that of the OP.

How glib, how easy to bounce around words like "liar" and "coward", when you are talking about invisible, unknown people on an internet forum And the "poor unsuspecting wife". How much do you really know about this poor unsuspecting wife? And how much of that is really you thinking of yourself or your friends, and nothing to do with the OP?

It is so easy and so lazy to play the horrified Daily Mail-reading broomstick-up-the-bottom type in response to this. Frankly, if you've nothing positive or pleasant to put forward, why not just tut-tut in the privacy of your own handkerchief, and then get back to worrying about the need to protect your own grubby little secrets?