Family cut themselves out of my son's life

duchy

Just wondering if you've heard anything further from the legal clinic lady about the solicitors letter you got Wiggy ? (or the Police for that matter)

wiggywoo9

Have heard nothing from either of them, though sent all info. I think its just cos of the holidays things being slow.

Had an issue with wiglet's dad today. He was meant to come at an agreed time, but changed time twice, then told me he'd only come for an hour or so. This is because of this group he's in, has rehearsals or something, and said he had to do some running around today. never had a problem on days before, but seems like he's been trying to cut time with wiglet a lot.

He only comes one day a week and it started with an afternoon. Then 3 hours, then two and a half. Now he wanted to see him for barely an hour and half, and in a way that seems as if wiglet is an errand or task to tick off and do whatever he wants after. After changing things last minute and then minimising time spent with wiglet, I told him not to bother this week, as he clearly has other commitments, and wiglet comes first.

So bit miffed now, as he does not seem to get it. In any scenario, wiglet comes first. If I had a group to go to that clashed with seeing him, I'd simply miss it, arrange to go later, and make sure I kept to the precious little time I had with him! I don't know what it is, does he just see it as oh, yeah, a novelty, yeah I see my lovely boy, he loves me etc, etc., or simply wants him when it suits him?? I may not have said the right thing, but if was late, as in 20mins late, i'd have turned him away too. I've emphasised this to him before, even last week where he was very late, warned him how bad it is- my reasoning being that he expects to see him, he should be punctual, or wiglet will be disappointed/let down/angry.

I'll let him think on it and see what happens. I don't want to cut contact, I just expect him to actually want it! I know people who see their kids, they treat it as precious time, not be wasted, and any more time is all the better. I don't understand this constant need to minimise it! I have commented before how short a time he's spent with him and its shrugged off as I need to see a mate/have to go buy something/need to catch bus. This is at 3pm, not exactly 10/11 at night!

meritaten

you can go two ways on this wiggy - either accept that contact between wiglet and his dad is going to be 'patchy' at best and never tell wiglet that dad is coming in case he doesn't - just let dad turning up be a nice surprise. and be philosophical about it. or make it an issue. by doing so it can go either way - dad may become more responsible and turn up on time regularly - or, (more likely from what you say of him) he will just carry on the way he wants to. and you will all be unhappy. You, because you want order and stability for yourself and Wiglet, Wiglet because he is going to feel let down, disappointed etc. and his dad because he isn't a great fan of rules or timetables by the sound of it.
there may be another way, a compromise perhaps that I haven't thought of - I am sure other posters will have their own ideas.

wiggywoo9

Thank you, Meri. I suppose I'm a bit old-fashioned on this, as I would get up extra-early to avoid even the chance of being late to something and have been a bit early for many an appointment (including a job interview where I was there before the interviewers!). I like to plan things and I'm quite organised, and as I use public transport, I need to, really. It irks me to think he's getting up when he feels like it, letting his dad drive him (another irk!!) and then thinking he'll slot in this activity, do it quick and swan off to play playstation or something equally unimportant. I can't stand to see wiglet treated like that!!

GobbledyGook

I think meritaten speaks a lot of sense. I also wouldn't tell Wiglet and just let it be a nice surprise.

I think it's also something that needs a bit of time. It's all very new for you all. I hope you don't feel offended if I say that perhaps Dad still isn't investing everything in it in case he loses contact again. He might be protecting himself just like your instinct is to protect you and Wiglet.

I'm like you. I'm always early and can't abide being late, but sadly for us not everyone is like us. Unless it's having a bad effect on Wiglet I think you should let him think on it and just go on. Now that's not to say that Dad should be running the show. Far from it.

When my OH and I were split he used to see our girls from 6-8 on a Tuesday for example. Now sometimes he didn't get here until half past, but that was his call. We had our routine and at 8pm he left and bathtime began. The girls weren't told he was coming (although eldest quickly worked out the pattern) so we just had a regular night and if Dad turned up it was a bonus.

I don't think an hour and a half is too bad a time to spend in one go either. Especially when it's so early on in the relationship. It can all build up in time. It will be annoying that he has other things to do, but that's also because for us it's instinctive to organise things around our children. That's not something he's had to do before now and it's not something that you learn instantly.

Laurajo_2

Wiggy, can I start by saying how amazingly you have handled everything.

I do think you need to reiterate to wiglets dad how important it is that his time with Wiglet is regular and structured.

At the minute, he hasn't had much experience of being a 'dad' and it is, most likely, something of a novelty. He may have all the best intentions about being a 'good' dad, but at the minute he will not be in the mindset of 'Wiglet needs to be my number one priority'...after all, son or no, Wiglet is still a relative stranger to him and, assuming he is his only child (?) he will have very little idea of what being a parent involves - at the minute, it sounds like he is turning up once a week for playtime (which is a start, but not the be all and end all of being a parent).

Having seen friends in a similar situation with absent or recently separated partners with young children involved, it is a slow process....and can take a few 'go overs' before an arrangement gets settled. In my purely anecdotal experience, it is often the case that the male involved isn't treating the child as number one priority, at least in the eyes of the mother. Fwiw, he is out of order cutting his visiting time down, but if it's a one off, I'd let him know you are unchuffed but keep at it.

of course, with everything that has gone on, you are going to be super-protective over Wiglet, but if it does come to it and contact with his father stops, at least you can say you tried.

Brenny

meritaten wrote: »

accept that contact between wiglet and his dad is going to be 'patchy' at best and never tell wiglet that dad is coming in case he doesn't - just let dad turning up be a nice surprise. and be philosophical about it

This is the right way. I have seen the damage and hurt caused when 'Dad' doesn't turn up. I hope you take this in the right way (gentle advice) but it's not about you or the dad, it's about Wiglet and his feeling of self worth.

honeypop

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I told him not to bother this week, as he clearly has other commitments, and wiglet comes first.

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

but if was late, as in 20mins late, i'd have turned him away too.

Having been a child where my dad would often cancel or be late for arranged time together, and my mum did just as you are saying above, I urge you to rethink your feelings on this. Wouldn't you prefer Wiglet see his father at a re-arranged time or for a shorter amount of time than planned, rather than not at all? It might not be what you want, but as you say Wiglet comes first in all of this. As someone mentioned already, perhaps don't tell him when Daddy is due to visit in case it doesn't happen, but don't cancel it yourself just because the situation doesn't fit your ideal scenario.

I think you've handled all the stuff with the rest of your family very well, and it's great that you got in touch with Wiglets dad to encourage visits, but please remember this is new to all of you, and it takes time to work out what is right for everyone and how it will work as an on-going basis. But it's certainly not in Wiglets interest to say well don't visit at all, if he needs to re-arrange or is late.

Ames

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but...

To his dad, it probably is just 'another thing on his activity to do list'. He only started seeing him a month or two ago, how many times has he seen Wiglet, half a dozen? Until he gets to know Wiglet as a person and becomes emotionally invested then Wiglet probably is on a par with his friends, possibly lower as he's known his friends for longer and better than Wiglet.

I'm not maternal, and if I suddenly had this little person to be responsible for, even if I'd helped create him, I think at first I'd be a bit 'woah, what's this all about' and need some time to adjust. I wouldn't have a clue how to play with a toddler, how to speak to them etc. So I imagine it's quite hard for Wiglet's dad to suddenly have a little person to get to know.

And then there's all the issues from the past - he's been pushed out of Wiglet's life at least once before, so he could be scared to let himself become emotionally invested in case it happens again. Does he have friends with children who's mothers have moved on, in new relationships etc and who can't see their kids? You don't know what scare stories he's being told, from people who've been hurt.

Of course, he could just be a b*stard who doesn't care, but I think you need to give him a bit longer to prove himself.

duchy

No flame from me

Let Dad and Wiglet find the level THEY are comfortable with and sometimes things WILL happen and things not go to plan ....far better to roll with it if it is a one off than start laying down "rules". Dad and Wiglet are still building a relationship .....and frankly Wiglet can't tell the time anyway so at this point it's not a huge deal. You really don't want to scare him off because you're trying to control the situation toooooo much after all that's what your Mum did to him.