Parents want to do a "House Swap".

Spelunthus

Very interesting debate in this thread. The OP is being very open and honest about his issues & concerns.
There's not a great deal of sympathy, of course, because his parents are so well off, and he is seeking to maintain that family advantage down the generations. The trade-off is between keeping the money "in the family" and maintaing a lifestyle that is in sync with 21st Century.

It's kind of like Downtown Abbey - the barbarians are at the gate, but the butler is serving tea.

OP - get your folks, and you & your wife in to see an Inheritance Planning specialist - your Dad will pay for it. Forget the house swap.

lostinrates

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Because private education is always better than state education, is it?

As I said on your other thread Alex, the worst bullies I ever knew came from private school, and every doctor, lawyer, scientist and lecturer I know went to plain old state schools. Including me.

That's not to mention the levels of self-harm, eating disorders, hazing and drugs in some private schools...

I still wouldn't swap the house. Cut the apron strings.

HBS x

Surely the house and the school can be considered separately.

The thing of the 'same schools' is a bit misguided IMO. Do you feel your schools have served YOU well Alex? Do you feel your wife is a lesser person?

I went to private schools and would have wanted the same for our children (in all likely hood) had we had any,as would my DH, who has a wonder ful career and Oxbridge education after an international state school education. What I believe I. Are the right schools for the right child, and that choice is greater when looking at fee paying schools). For example, my sibling and I went to different schools because we are different people, as did my nieces. Unless you are trying to get second child discounts or facilitate holiday time tabling and drop offs/pick ups and school events, one private school, just because you went there, might not hold all the answers

A great school for the individual child is important, and if that's locally state provided great, if not independent is great...but it might not come with your old school tie on it. Unless you feel your school served you as best it possibly could and your child is very much like you and the school retains its ethos?

lostinrates

Spelunthus wrote: »

Very interesting debate in this thread. The OP is being very open and honest about his issues & concerns.
There's not a great deal of sympathy, of course, because his parents are so well off, and he is seeking to maintain that family advantage down the generations. The trade-off is between keeping the money "in the family" and maintaing a lifestyle that is in sync with 21st Century.

It's kind of like Downtown Abbey - the barbarians are at the gate, but the butler is serving tea.

OP - get your folks, and you & your wife in to see an Inheritance Planning specialist - your Dad will pay for it. Forget the house swap.

Not my issue with the situation at all. I'm independently educated at well known schools, in a household with a high income bracket and have said if we had kids they'd probably be at independent.

Its more based on the emotional aspects and home life structure and health as portrayed by op over the two threads, including his financial history and fraught emotional pull between families / in laws and even in his own house.

Its possible to just think a situation is wrong without being envious.

I certainly agree however, that his parents should seek tax planning advice. A good solution was mooted earlier, if its still possible.

Mojisola

Spelunthus wrote: »

There's not a great deal of sympathy, of course, because his parents are so well off, and he is seeking to maintain that family advantage down the generations.

Do you really think people's replies are against the idea because of jealousy?

I think it's a bad idea because the young family are going to have their lives controlled by the grandparents.

The house was the grandfather's dream. Why should every generation that follows have to restrict their lives in order to keep his dream alive?

I want my children to live their own lives and follow their own dreams. Where I can help them, I will but the help won't come with any strings attached.

Better_Days

OP, it is hard to post on here and read people's opinions - but remember they are trying to help and to offer you another perspective from their life experiences.

I have been mulling over what you have said and I have a couple of further thoughts - but please, they are thoughts only...

Firstly - you have said that your parents disapproved of your wife. Do you think that subconsciously the house and the school offers are an attempt to exert a level of influence over a situation that they are not happy with? If this is not the case at all I apologise in advance.

Secondly - with regards to your son's education. The most important thing is to find a school that is the best fit for your son's personality and ability. To learn best and to come out of school a well rounded person your son needs to be happy. A school that meets your son's needs best may or may not be a state school. A school at which you were happy, or indeed a school at which your wife was happy may not be the best school for your son.

Certainly I would question your parents motives if they will only fund a private school, and if then only the one that you went to.

Educating Yorkshire is a very interesting programme. I think the Head has it right when he is talking about sending out well rounded young adults into the world. It isn't all about exam results and academic achievement, although of course it is very important. Ask yourself from your life experience how you define success - (e.g. social, financial spiritual (not talking religion here)) what the barriers were, and how you would like your son to meet his potential. But not as an extension of his family, in his own right.

I think you are in a very difficult and stressful position and at some point you will have to chose.

Tryingagainandagain

What about your child?

If you take up this offer on your parents' terms you are effectively placing the same burden on him, too.

I don't know his character, but he could possibly feel that he has to maintain a "tradition" , or feel guilty because he doesn't want to be restricted in such a way.

I agree with the advice you have been given here. Reject their offer and consult an independent advisor on how to go forward.

Better_Days

One other thing OP. Many years ago I had a very good friend who on one side had a partner with a strong determined personality, and on the other parents (and a sister) who were equally determined.

Both attempted to exert control as to how my friend lived his life. He was a lovely person and didn't want to upset anyone.

The parents 'gave' my friend some land from their back garden and he and his partner built a house there.

It was a disaster. It ended very badly indeed. My friend couldn't bring himself to choose, put it off for years to the detriment of his health.

Perhaps you could consider some counselling to assist you in negotiating the situation you are in, causing the least pain and heartache, and coming to a decision. Please do not let this drag on for years.

DigForVictory

Please, talk this through with your wife. Not because it's "all about her", but because she's the woman you chose & married & have a son together with, and most courts will look at your relationship with her as taking priority.

It's a walloping big decision, and a lot of it will impact on what she can do, so she certainly needs a say in it, or you'll be further in an expensive doghouse if you move, she divorces you & gets custody. At which point what your parents want can go whistle.

Since your folks are big on tax planning as well as trying to keep the place in the family, put it to them that the current plan does not look one that all parties are comfortable with & what are the alternatives?

Noone's offered me a million pound house and all found education for my children in exchange for me giving up my husband and all we've acheived together. And, you know? Even if my parents could afford to try the offer, my husband (and his quirks & prejudices) mean more to me. But that's us.

All the best!

Better_Days

Having had a quick browse on the other boards you have been posting on OP, I have a better understanding of where your wife is coming from in all this.

Given how your mother views your wife I can totally understand why your wife does not want to proceed with this house swap.

I can only reiterate that I think it will be detrimental to your relationship with your wife and your son if you allow this decision regarding the house swap to go 'unmade' for much longer. Sort it out, please.

Person_one

AlexLK wrote: »

Person_One - Of course my wife has a say. Though she does not know the benefits of a private education.

That's unbelievably patronising.

Also, I think I asked if she had an equal say...