Overheard a conversation between Mum and stepdad last night, help

lifecanbetough4

I'm 24 and run a business from home, 4 bedroom house. I have a bedroom and one of the other bedrooms is for stock, Also use around half the garage. I've always known my parents haven't been happy with it, the amount of boxes and clutter I suppose but its how I make money.


Last night I overheard a conversation with my Mum telling stepdad to say to me that its his house, get out. It was my Mum who was forcing the issue. They want to speak to me today at dinner. She also complained about how I never go out(don't have friends) and this prevents them from getting time to themselves and also mentioned not having sex because of me, which I kind of understand but can't they close the door or something, I can't even hear anything.

I have told them I plan to move out at 25 and will beg to stay until then.

But I'm broken right now, don't think she loves me anymore and she has serious problems, she has troubles at work, finance, ocd...

I'm a regular member but wanted to keep this private so signed up with a new username, its not a wum before anyone says it is

samtoby

If she does sit you down tonight I would actually say you overheard what she said anyway and you were very hurt by it. That will stun her that you heard it I bet. At the end of the day sometimes we all say things that we don't want that person to ever know we said.

Toothfairy4

Maybe your mum is just frustrated and overemphasised things to your stepdad to make sure he actually says something to you? Is there a reason why you can't move out and get your own place? Your mum probably expected that by age 24 you would have moved out and she would've had the house back to herself. It does sound like your things for your business are taking up quite a lot of their house?

paulineb_2

You know, no matter how many ups and downs my mum and I had, she never once said to me, get out. I didnt leave home until I was 26 and my brother didnt move out until a similar age, she was happy to have us.

My questions would be, how much money do you make from your job and are you in a financial position to find somewhere else.

Just saying, get out, not knowing if you have somewhere else to go, I think its incredibly harsh.

lifecanbetough4

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

Maybe your mum is just frustrated and overemphasised things to your stepdad to make sure he actually says something to you? Is there a reason why you can't move out and get your own place? Your mum probably expected that by age 24 you would have moved out and she would've had the house back to herself. It does sound like your things for your business are taking up quite a lot of their house?

I'm still saving for a house, and also this is my final year at university.

My friends that I had at school who are the same age, I know none of them have moved out yet.

Yes I am taking up a lot of the house, but the rooms would be empty anyway

paulineb_2

And personally part of the reason I didnt leave home sooner was because after I finished university I was 3 years unemployed. But if I had stayed longer, my mum would have been fine with it.

Other parents are different, everyone has their own rules. If your mum wants you to leave, she should tell you herself, particularly as its your stepdad who has been left with it.

nonnatus

Do you pay rent or contribute towards your keep? Do you do your own washing, cook meals etc?

If NOT, I would expect they WOULD find life easier and more comfortable without you.

I would get in there before they have a chance to make their point. Sit them down and say you'd like to contribute MORE around the house, you respect how helpful it is whilst you're business is young etc. Offer money, offer assistance, make it a BAD decision to chuck you out!

No need to mention how you overheard them - they will always wonder though...;)

lifecanbetough4

I don't pay any rent but buy all own foods, hardly use washing machine etc.

I can't offer money because I am trying to save for a house. Also chucking me out will mess up my business.


I feel they are using me as the scapegoat to all their problems, always been like that, so frustrating

LEJC

I'm sure your mum loves you, but occaisionally I guess eveyone gets on everyone elses nerves and tensions occur.

Have you got any plans to move out or reloate your business somewhere else, it may be helpful if you could share details of this with your mum and step dad so they can see what you are doing to "give them back their space"

Perhaps in the interim you could arrange to go out occaisionally so not only they get some time alone but you get some life outside of the house...maybe the cinema is an option followed by something to eat.

Dont get too upset about overhearing the conversation ...but what you do need to do is take steps to show them that you understand.

By asking you about your plans to move out they arn't disowning you and you shouldnt think that they are against you.

Do you contribute to the household financially...could it be that they feel they could perhaps live a more frugal lifestyle if you were not around,or indeed rent out your room to a lodger to help more with the finances.

Listen calmly to what they say this evening and take it from there...but I think the key to resolving this real;ly is communication and it seems perhaps you've not all been speaking about future plans as well as you could have...

TTC40

Does your stuff/ you make the place look a mess?

Just because you have 2 rooms & half the garage you can still organise it & keep things tidy. Do you?

Do you pay board & help around the house?

It might not just be down to 'clutter'.

krlyr

The relationship between myself and my mum became quite strained in my late teens/early twenties. Moving out hugely improved it! I think I even said to her at the time, I knew I had to move out if I wanted our relationship to be salvagable, because we were clashing so much in the home environment.

I don't think it's a reflection on how much she loves you, but to share a house with adults is tough. Even tougher with step-parents/step-kids I think, as there's a complexity to the relationship.

You're 24 and therefore your mum's attitude will shift slightly. You're reaching a stage in you're life where you're capable of self-sufficiency, and therefore your mum's priorities will start to be herself, rather than her child. Maybe you'd call it selfish, but she's supported you for 24 years now, and probably feels it's time to put herself first. Especially if this isn't her first marriage - I don't know the reason the step-dad is in your life, but I know my mum feels like mistakes in her relationship with my dad were to do with prioritising the kids over herself (e.g. staying with him for our sake) and she has a different view on the relationship with my stepd-ad.

I would personally look into things like houseshares, studioflats, etc. to make that move, for the sake of your relationship with your mum. Do you really think it will help matters to put your foot down, knowing they're not happy you're there? I've rented some really spacious houseshares for less than half the going rate for a studio flat, so plenty of room for your stock etc. (my bedroom was sort of two rooms in one, so you could find something with a room big enough to split halfway and use spring-mounted tension rods to separate the stock off out of sight behind a curtain - I also had access to a garage for storage, albeit shared by everyone in the house)

It is a great opportunity to be able to live at home rent-free and save for a house, but it's not always possible. I would be grateful for the time you've had to save, and try to find somewhere as cheap as possible to allow you to save some money towards a house - but accept that the saving may have to go on hold for now. Whether the rooms would be empty is not the point, it is a strain to share a house with someone no matter how big the house is, and once the relationship starts to head that way, it's a bit of a vicious circle IMO as resentment starts to build, you get more annoyed by smaller things, etc. I would remove myself from that situation before it came to a head and damaged your relationship with her permanently.