Husband just left after 28 years!

BJV

I hope I never find out as well.

Perhaps it is what he needs. A short sharp reality check.

Rummer

jinty246 wrote: »

He's being very good about the money but I'm just not sure what I'm legally entitled to!

That was the only reason I suggested speaking to a solicitor, not so that they can do anything on your behalf purely so that you know exactly what you are entitled to. They can advise based on all your information.

It is very early days and of course you need time to think and to see what happens.

troubleinparadise

Hmmm - leaving after getting his redundancy news sounds to me like running away.... not from you, but from responsibilities and the fear that comes with losing a salary, identity and self-respect ; especially after starting to patch things up.

She probably said lots of nice soothing things to him, didn't demand anything from him (no, you probably don't, but that's what his sense of responsibilities feel like to him) and it looked like a bolt hole for him to take refuge in.

But reality will come all too soon - the washing up, dealing with her teenage son, needing to pay two sets of bills (she won't want to support him financially for very long - she'll be looking for a new OH to take over funding her) and what he has done will sink in.

In the meantime, look after yourself, treat and pamper yourself a bit, see your girlfriends for some boosting socialising, get some legal advice just so you know where you stand so that you are clear in your head, and take your time to heal from all this nonsense.

As to whether you want to take him back is entirely up to you; I have seen this work for some, and others decide to move on separately.

Just sorry that he seems to have been taken by aliens :mad:

paulineb_2

jinty246 wrote: »

I do feel he needs to get her out of his system once and for all! The affair never ran its course but ended because I found him out! He's had numerous chances to leave in the last 9 months and on the 1 occasion when he did leave...not to go to her!... he realised within days that he loved me and missed me and wanted to come home! He stayed away at his parents for 3 weeks but we spoke every day and he visited every day for 2 weeks of this time! I don't think it'll be long before the reality hits!

Possibly, but hes behaved appallingly and I do know marriages can survive an affair, but would you want to go through this a second time?

He does have choices, the Ive behaved too badly to come home sounds a bit of a lame excuse to me.

victory

jinty246 wrote: »

Thank you so much!

I hope that you never have to face this nightmare! The worst part is knowing what an idiot he is being, knowing that he won't be happy in what he is doing.

He will miss us before we miss him, moving into a strange house with someone else's teenage son whilst his own son and daughters are literally around the corner. Sitting in at nights alone while his new g/f is working nights and heading for work before she comes home! Don't think it will take him long to realise that his happy new life ain't all he thought it was going to be!

Also...after a year of these feelings he can't say that he loves her! It's very difficult knowing that he's moving in with her so fast but the sooner he does the sooner he'll realise what he's done!

I understand that you feel hurt beyond words and your OH feels a bit of a fool and ashamed and 'cornened' but why let him move in so he can see the error of his ways?

He has made an almighty mistake, hurt people, been selfish and foolish but why watch on as he moves in?

Talk to him, go out for a coffee, on neutral ground and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want to happen, no more need to carry this whole sorry state on, stop it now if you want him, sure it is fine to make him suffer, think about his mistakes, punish him all that negativity stuff but if you want to be with him and he is desperately sorry and you ca get past this then stop this now, what is more important you and your OH future happiness, together, than watching and waiting on the sidelines for his life to go pete tong and for your OH then to come back to you?

pinkteapot

Rummer wrote: »

That was the only reason I suggested speaking to a solicitor, not so that they can do anything on your behalf purely so that you know exactly what you are entitled to. They can advise based on all your information.

It's the exact reason I suggested it too. I think you'll be "entitled" to far more than you think. If you had a career break to raise the kids and so stopped earning and paying into a pension... It all comes into it. And if you're going to keep providing a roof over the kids' heads (even if they're grown up), it has an impact too.

I'm not saying you should go for as much as you can get, or anything like that. I'd just hate for you to make rush decisions at this moment. It's only been a matter of days - you're in a state of shock - it's absolutely not the time to make a decision about the finances, or commit to any sort of arrangement over them.

If he raises the issue of finances again, just say it's too soon to discuss it. Until you're both sure that separation is the only way forward, there's no point having financial discussions. Focus on what you each want to happen first and if that does mean separation, then deal with the finances at that point.

As I said, you're in shock right now (even if you don't feel like you are). My mum was saying all the same sorts of things to start with and did everything to try and hold on to my dad. A few months later, it was literally like a switch flicked in her brain - suddenly she just said no, I'm not being treated like this, and turfed him out. That doesn't happen to everyone as others have said. Everyone reacts differently, but the whole thing is a process and it takes time.

aileth

I can't help as per entitlements, but...

He sounds like you're better rid of him. What a complete !!!!!!. I'm a great believer in karma, and somebody who dumps on 28 years of marriage to get a bit of tail deserves every bit of karma that comes their way.

marisco_2

jinty246 wrote: »

He told my daughter this week that he didn't see how things could be fixed "right now" and from other things he has said to both her and myself it seems he feels like he has no option but to carry on with this!

Of course your husband has other options. Just as the affair was a conscious decision of his to undertake, and then rekindle when he was meant to be back with you working on rebuilding your marriage. So is his decision now to continue the relationship with this other woman and live with her. Considering the amount of emotional turmoil you must be in at the moment I hate to suggest this, but my gut reaction is that your husband is toying with the emotions of yourself and your daughter for his own benefit.

In your first post you say he wants to be with his mistress and is off to move in with her as you were typing. Yet above it comes across as if this decision is a last resort and that he has no other choice than to be with her. He is being manipulative by suggesting that your relationship cant be fixed 'right now', which leaves you in hopes that things could be worked out in time. What this approach boils down to is him thinking he can have his cake and eat it. Planning on seeing how it goes with the current squeeze and if he grows tired of her, he will try returning to you and the family with his tail between his legs, admitting he wants you instead and see if you take him back. Has he knocked your confidence and self worth to such a degree that you would be willing to accept being treated as badly as this OP?

globetraveller

And you say he is in the process of moving in with his mistress now?
I understand you forgiving him the first time. But he is off to her now, as you are typing. It is your life and if you are happy for him to do this and move back to you again later, then that is your choice. But this time, dont' let him phone every day. Don't be available to talk. just don't make it easy for him. Let him back for a second time and will you ever be sure there won't be a third?
I think YOU need time to think this through without him trying to manipulate you. Time for a chat with a solicitor. Once you know where you would stand without him, it will make it easier for you to come to a decision.
Whatever you choose I really wish you good luck.

RAS

jinty246 wrote: »

He wants to talk about money and how much he will give me towards mortgage and other joint financial matters we have. I have no idea what I am entitled to as the kids are all grown up but obviously after being together such a long time all our finances were joint.
Any advice either financial or emotional greatly appreciated!

Sorry for the situation but you need to get seriously organised; particularly if his new woman starts getting demanding re finances.

Do you have your own bank account?

Do you have ANY joint bank accounts, credit or debt cards?

Is the mortgage joint? and the deeds as a joint tenancy or tenants in common.

Is your youngest still in secondary education?

How much is the redundancy pay-out?

Do you currently work?

Have you taken time out from work to raise the children?

Does he have a pension pot? And you?