Husband just left after 28 years!

kelpie35

I think you have to be admired for how you are handling this situation you are in.

I know that I would not be able to forgive or forget what has happened.

I know you love your husband sincerely and I do believe your husband does love you and your children.

I think, as you have said, the redundancy and a mid life crisis has resulted in his position at the moment, but he is an adult and has to take responsibility for the choices he has and is making.

It is not your responsibility to pick up the pieces caused by his mistakes.

Please surround yourself with people who can support and love you, as I feel your pain from your comments.

Pee

I think it's very bad luck, the timing of your husband's redundancy.

As to whether he and his mistress can work things out I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I don't believe there is only one person in the world for each of us and so no reason to believe that he couldn't live with her.

Someone else mentioned that women are generally looking for a provider, and whilst I riled at that and it isn't true for me, thinking about female friends there is a certain amount of truth in that - for various reasons including womens salaries.

I am sure that you could get over this blip and move on, but I think it's important to make sure you know what your legal position is and what things you should or shouldn't do to protect your position. I imagine it would be quite hard for a proud man to come back and admit that it had all failed, and if she loves him, or fancies him, then the first seven years together are usually pretty blissful.

paulineb_2

jinty246 wrote: »

Oh he's not actually said that in so many words, just knowing him so well and reading between the lines of EVERYTHING he has said it's so obvious that he hates himself! This was a loving, caring, generous and faithful husband and father who seems to have spiralled ever downward in his estimation of himself!

He's never got her out of his system and until he does he'll always be wondering if the grass really was as green as it seemed! Don't get me wrong I'm not about to welcome him back with open arms and bake him a cake! But 32 years is a long time to throw away over a mistake...a BIG mistake...but a mistake nevertheless!

Moving in with someone to get them out of your system is a bit drastic. Also, theres another teenager involved, her son, its really not fair on him either.

I understand, a long marriage is a tough thing to throw away, but how are you going to feel if he wants to come back knowing that hes been living with and sleeping with someone else?

What do you think his reaction would have been if the roles had been reversed and you had started seeing someone else?

You do deserve better, much much better.

paulineb_2

He could have left without having to go to her.

meer53

OP, i've been where you are. My ex moved out, back in and out again. Finally after coming back home for the second time, i woke up and smelled the coffee. I threw him out, for the final time.

He "beat himself up" about how his actions were affecting our children, 15 and 2 at the time. Yeah right. The only thing he was beating himself up over was the fact that i found out about his sordid little affair.

I too wanted to make our "marriage" work again, we'd been together nearly as long as you and thought i should fight to save it. I thought wrong, by having an affair, my ex had decided to throw it away himself. That made me feel betrayed but it took me 12 months to realise it. I began to realise just how little he must have thought of me and how little respect he had for me. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that ?

I came to the conclusion that i would never be able to trust him again and that i was the one who had to make a decision or he would just keep coming back when things went tits up with the GF.

That was 12 years ago, and i have never looked back or been as happy as i am now.

You call it " a blip" i call it selfishness,betrayal, dishonesty and disrespectful" Paulineb hits the nail on the head, you deserve someone better than this.

paulineb_2

Also, they just met by chance and started speaking again, not seeing one another yet hes moving in with her?

I think you are getting fed a few porky pies to be honest. No way would I move someone into my home who I wasnt even in a relationship with.

Also, please get an STD check done, if hes been sleeping with her which I assume he has and you as well, I do think you would be wise to get checked out, particularly as the woman concerned seems to have a lot of different partners and Im not assuming that she automatically has an STD, but you really need to be sure everything is ok.

Hes putting your sexual health at risk, not just playing with your emotions. If I were you Id be furious right now.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

I'm sorry but your post suggests to me that your in denial about the situation at hand here.

you cant possibly think that he left you solely on the basis that he feels guilt and saw no way out.

looking at it form my perspective of thing (being male).

you caught him you took the fun away from it, he distracts you from that by leaving to his parents, he feels guilty he left because he did something horrible in the relationship.

he came back and things seemed alright, but leaving now seems easier because he can blame it on guilt of this and that and what he did, he didn't really get a taste of what it was to be separated he just didn't like the thought of being on his own after a long relationship.

this time he can leave with knowledge he wont be on his own to deal with it, TBH he's probably using her as a rebound anyway just to get on his feet.

if he fails then you'll be the fall guy, as you obviously think this due to something else like he all depressed and not thinking right wracked with guilt and in denial etc he can call you plead with you you end up talking he ends up moving in and your back together oh but it will be minus his redundancy pay after he's spent it on his "friend(s)" and he's woke upto being on his own again.

until the next time!.

sure we don't know the guy we don't know you, but if someone tried to justify actions like by saying this is in someway due to depression and guilt and midlife crisis i'd say the above to anybody.

you say you don't want to be a door mat for him yet "...I can't hate him enough to see him like that and I hope he finds himself again! That's not me saying I'll keep the door wide open for him...I just won't lock and bolt it!"
That's super contradictory right there.IM not going to leave the door wide open.... i'll just leave the door open! whether that be wide open or unlocked its still an open invitation.

marisco_2

If your husband respected you and held you in any regard at all he would have kept conversation to a bare minimum when he met the affair by chance, made his excuses and left quickly. Not strike up a conversation with her and then keep in touch, knowing full well how hurt and let down that would make you feel, and the likely repercussions such actions would cause.

There is a middle ground here with no need for him to move in with this woman now too. I am staggered by your acceptance of this situation, and shocked that you would even consider having him back, once he has been with this woman 'to get her out of his system'. Could you truly be happy with him after this or ever be able to place your trust in him again? I cant help but think that even if you could do these things, your husband would just receive a very clear message that he can treat you with contempt and eventually win you back. Not a good foundation for any healthy, happy relationship.

candygirl

He sounds like he wants to hedge his bets, and for you to leave the door open in case it doesn't work out with the floozy You need to look after yourself hun, and as Pauline says get an STD check x

CH27

I know you are upset & shocked but I think you need to stop second guessing what he is doing & why and get yourself to a solicitor for some legal advice about where you stand.

He has treated you appallingly & has zero respect for your feelings. Respect yourself as you deserve better than he is giving you.