Husband just left after 28 years!

paulineb_2

jinty246 wrote: »

He's never said he's suffering from depression and completely poo poo's the idea of a mid life crisis!

Basically he messed up and we fought over it...a lot! He sees the time he spent with her as being happy as opposed to our recent arguing and believes he can be happy with her! Maybe he can, but given her track record I'm inclined to say probably not.

Someone (can't remember who now) said if I knew her well enough to know what she was truly like how does he not know...I used to work in the same organisation as her and know who she truly is, I've seen her in action...he spent an hour every now & again with her and has seen the 'innocent, hard done by' act that she puts on. I know the 'real' her if you like, he knows the one he's seen for a couple of hours a week.

What I meant was, that his actions could be in part because he might be suffering from depression. And rather than run off and do what hes doing, he could have stayed and got some help for whatever it is thats troubling him, youve said yourself life has been tough for him lately.

And a lot of people who do suffer from depression/stress/anxiety, dont realise it until they are feeling really bad, its not always obvious to the person suffering from it that they are suffering.

paulineb_2

Also, apart from any conversations you need to have with him about finances, Id also be of the view that your kids dont talk to him about his affair, or if they do, they dont feed how he is feeling back to you.

Or tell him how this is affecting you. Hes made his choice, you need a bit of time out of all of this, because the conversations about how he is feeling, might be feeling, isnt going to be productive for you. And it is early days, but rather than thinking the door might be open for him to return, Id be letting him know hes made his choice, he needs to get on with it, deal with the financial issues and let the kids decide when they want to see him.

You are being more than generous, because if someone did that to me, the door would be slammed shut and if that affair breaks down, they'd be on their own.

Oh and if there was a lot of arguing over the affair, there are always options to go and discuss this with a counsellor, separately or together.

Really, the fact that hes upped and offed after a long marriage just because you werent happy he had an affair and he runs straight to living with her?

Really doesnt say much about how he feels about either of you to be honest. Because if you can switch feelings from being not in love with someone, to being back in love with someone, to wanting to leave them and move in with the person youve been having an affair with, doesnt look like the actions of someone who has deep feelings for anyone.

candygirl

Is your hubby on Fakebook with her?

atrixblue.-MFR-.

in this situation if my wife had an affair, I found out about it, I would give her an ultimatum, either stay or go but don't mess with my head, if your staying we'll work at it, if it doesn't work we agree to leave it there and there will be no contact with the person you had an affair with at all end of I find out you've even looked at him your gone no questions no begging nothing will deter my mind that you'll be out, fresh start form here on out, I will even go to as to take off my wedding ring and state, you broke your vows, my trust, my heart, and my mind, these are going to have to reinstated, healed and gained for me to put this back on.

what I wouldn't tolerate, contact with the person she had an affair with, I don't have MUG written on my forehead, as soon as contact was re-established I would pack her bags for her, call her a taxi, shove her in it and wave goodby and be on the phone applying for a divorce in some pretty swift actions.

I wouldn't tolerate after agreeing to give things a go, for her to say im off to my parents for a few weeks I cant do this, this would be to me breaking an agreement to make a go of it, obviously her heart mind and soul isn't in it to be in our relationship, I don't have door mat written on my back, and plea's to come home would have fell on deaf ears.

I wouldn't be running in my mind what was said hinted at or even done to rationalize her actions and decisions she has made before she left, this would be unfair on myself and others around me.

my door would shut, bolted, dead locked, padlocked, and breeze blocked from frame to frame from the inside, and great big sign on the outside saying "this bed (arrow points to bed below) is for you now lay in it" on the door.

he just got more careful at covering his tracks to see this woman behind your back, why else would he contact her now he's leaving you for her!.

so your thinking this woman couldn't possibly make him as happy as you did, new flash she has, he's left you for her so he wasn't happy where he was to begin with and had different thoughts to what you have.

your trying to tell us its all to do with certain things happening in quick succession that led up to this is that your way of making sense of the situation? You believe he's lost his mind a little and gone off the track slightly and when he wakes and the train moves into the right station, he'll come back through your open shut door?

you may have done everything right in trying to keep this marriage, but obviously to me he doesn't think the same.

you maybe completely blameless, but all I can say is his feelings have changed.

if he didn't think this woman could make him happy he wouldn't go there, if he's not happy where he is its a good enough excuse to up and leave without the feeling of being on his own, she will be the rebound until he gets on firmer ground with himself.

you maybe a lovely person, ive seen marriage break ups have friends gone through it in same situation, he left for another woman he had an affair with, the honeymoon period came and went an he moved onto another woman without even thinking of going back to his ex wife, because he said there is no love there for her it would cruel, more cruel to go back and not love her make her look like a fool to her friends and family for her taking him back only for him to be thinking about someone else or leaving again after a few months!

I know one guy who after being divorced for 3 years still thinks his ex wife is coming back to him and wont give up on the thought, she has moved in with another guy is happy where she is, has a kid and is blissfully unaware that her ex is still waiting for her to come back because she has moved on and not give another thought about her ex since leaving. don't be that guy! you sound too good a person to be holding out for nothing punishing yourself about the what may may not happen.

im harsh and to the point and I'll apologize now that I seem to sound like someone who doesn't feel for you going through this at this moment of heartbreak and troubled feelings, I do feel for you, and hope with support you get through this, you seem to be reaching out for support and someone to talk to even if it is via a forum but you do seem to be defending his actions and to tell people we don't know him when they offer a perspective is jumping to his defensive yet your looking for someone to talk to and maybe a little support in going through this?

HPoirot

OP what struck me in your posts is that you assume you know his mind better than he does. I know this will seem harsh and believe me I have no intention of hitting on you when you are down, but could it be that you need to accept that he knows what he is doing and stop second guessing. For some men (indeed women too) being told what they are thinking and how they are feeling by a partner would be incredibly patronising. If I were you, I would stop putting myself in his mind and look after myself in this time of upheaval.

FBaby

HPoirot wrote: »

OP what struck me in your posts is that you assume you know his mind better than he does. I know this will seem harsh and believe me I have no intention of hitting on you when you are down, but could it be that you need to accept that he knows what he is doing and stop second guessing. For some men (indeed women too) being told what they are thinking and how they are feeling by a partner would be incredibly patronising. If I were you, I would stop putting myself in his mind and look after myself in this time of upheaval.

excellent post

HPoirot

FBaby wrote: »

excellent post

Thank you, well I only tried to help and now the OP has deleted and left!! :eek:

Caroline_a

To be honest I think she's in denial. I saw some of her posts last night and it was all about 'he'll come to his senses'.

I sort of think he won't...

candygirl

He's probably come back already for his washing doing!!
I hate it when someone asks for advice, we all try to help, and then the OP deletes their post!!

Gigglepig

HPoirot wrote: »

Thank you, well I only tried to help and now the OP has deleted and left!! :eek:

Some times I think people just are not ready to read the answers they get - on a public forum like this one will always get different suggestions and opinions, it is only to be expected but can be hard nevertheless. Hopefully things work out for the OP.