Husband just left after 28 years!

swingaloo

OP, whilst I feel for you, (I was with my ex for over 30 years) and its a massive thing to go it alone after all that time please think on this-

My sister was married to the kindest most honest, trustworthy family man you could ever meet. We all loved, trusted and respected him for over 20 years. He left her suddenly saying it was due to him 'not knowing what he wanted any more'.

She put it down to a mid life crisis, he too had just lost his job. they had been arguing mainly because he was trying to cause arguments. He then told her he felt he was making her unhappy and was moving out for a while so she could have space, he could 'get his head together without making her life a misery' and he got a bedsit for a while. My sister even took him meals for his freezer as she could 'see he was not happy' and she felt sorry for him as he was 'clearly torturing himself'. She swore blind there could not possibly be anyone else on the scene as he was 'not that sort of man, I would know, Ive been with him over 20 years'. The whole family and all their friends agreed that it was highly unlikely he could have another woman on the go. Sis was convinced he would be home because he kept telling her how good she was being about things and he was missing her.

Where is he now? Living with the woman who had his child 2 years ago, born incidently whilst he was on a cruise with my sister celebrating 20 years of blissfully happy marriage.

marisco_2

jinty246 wrote: »

He has feelings for her which is understandable and because things have not been good at home, arguing etc he thinks that she is what he wants!

Why is it understandable to you that your husband has feelings for another woman? Or that just because your marriage is going through a rough patch, and things are not good at home that it is normal for him to want her? That screams to me that he has no real intention of working at your relationship or of prioritising what you two share together ahead of his own selfish needs and wants. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you OP. I hope that your current logic is born out of shock and denial and that you don't really believe that you aren't worth more than all this.

swingaloo

jinty246 wrote: »

He has feelings for her which is understandable and because things have not been good at home, arguing etc he thinks that she is what he wants! If that's what it takes to get her out of his system then so be it! I'd rather he moved in and had a taste of real life than !!!!! footed around just seeing her! Let him see that "real" life and an affair are 2 entirely different things! She truly is not a nice person but she can put on an act for an hour or so now and then, she can't keep that up full time! Even her 2 sons are horrified by her behaviour over the years! Meanwhile if I've moved on and he realises that he was wrong then tough on him! I'm not being a doormat but I'm not saying never either!

Im worried by that part. If you know her well enough to know she is 'truly not a very nice person' then how can the man you know so well consider her nice enough to move in with.

candygirl

jinty246 wrote: »

I never actually said I'd leave the door open at all...I said I wouldn't lock and bolt it...as in never say never

In a bloke's head this will mean he can have his cake, then come back if he wants to:(:(:(

FBaby

Can I just make clear that he has stated that even if he goes and realise that he is wrong and that, as before, he does still love me and want to be with me, he won't come back as he won't put me through that again! I'm the one who is keeping the options open, not him!

I agree with posters who said that he is feeding your porky pies. One minute he doesn't love you any longer so wants out of the relationship. Then he realised that he does love you and want in the relationship and then he still does love you but still want out of the relationship. He will always love you but still wants out. If he decides that he doesn't want out any longer, he will still remain out because it is not fair on you otherwise...although he will always love you.

If he loves you so much, why leave you twice? Is he leaving you because of the issues within your relationship, or leaving you because he wants to be with her? It's not really clear which one it is. You seem confident that he will realise that he made a mistake going with her. If he left you because of issues within your relationship, won't that mean that he will chose to be with either of you if he decides he doesn't want to be with her? If he decides that he does love you and not her, why didn't he realise this in the first instance?

He make it sound as if he is prepared to sacrifice his well-being for the sake of your sanity (ie. even if he realises he would rather be with you, he won't come back to hurt you), yet he didn't seem to care much about your feelings in the first place.

I'm sorry but it comes across to me as if he is good at saying all the things you might want to hear, but not so good at acting up on these words.

ash28

jinty246 wrote: »

I never actually said I'd leave the door open at all...I said I wouldn't lock and bolt it...as in never say never! He has never said he's leaving because he feels guilty or because he feels he has no other option...that is what we've picked up from things he HAS said. He thinks he can be happy with this woman...I think differently! Oh and there was no redundancy pay as he was offered a new job by the company which took over...which in turn led to problems as friends/work colleagues who didn't get offered new jobs turned on him because he had!

There are a lot of circumstances that led to this situation...it's not as clear as it seems!

In times of stress and crisis most people turn to their partners and families not turn their backs on them.......

He thinks he will be happy with this woman but you think he's leaving (not because he thinks he will be happy with her) through guilt and and having no other options......he probably does feel guilty, what person wouldn't feel guilty after a 28 year marriage and 3 children, he's bound to feel guilty - but not guilty enough it would seem.

His other options were (are) to stay in the marital home and make a go of it with you......to move back in with his parents......to get himself somewhere else to live........he has plenty of options not none. He has chosen his option.

I think you're either taking it very well or in part closing your mind to the option he has chosen and perhaps to the possible reasons he has chosen the option he has.

And what if he is happy with this woman and still with her in 6 months or a year?

I have known a couple make a go of it after an affair (the wife had the affair).....but the circumstances were different.....their eldest child was knocked down and killed when he was 9 and initially it drove them apart....but they did get back together and have been happy ever since.

Have you ever thought that perhaps he just isn't happy? Have you ever wondered if it was guilt that brought him back the first time?

Perhaps you should hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I hope it all works out well for you.

globetraveller

paulineb wrote: »

He could have left without having to go to her.

that's the crunch. If he did love you as he says, why would he put you and your children through the agony of going back to his mistress? What do you think he is telling her?
Fair enough if you want him back, then it's nothing to do with anyone else- but don't kid yourself. He sees a possible future with her. And to be honest, if he is just using her for somewhere to stay, that probably makes him even worse.

samtoby

Can not offer much advice but I hope you find some solutions xx

Lunar_Eclipse

jinty246 wrote: »

I understand what you say about my kids, I must clarify that they are 26, 23 and 18! He and I both have always had a fantastic relationship with all of our children and with respect this affects them greatly! They have witnessed the loving happy marriage we shared and have also witnessed their father change to become someone they don't recognise! My eldest daughter has been a rock during this time as she talks to her dad without becoming emotional (unlike me) and has proven herself to be an amazing young woman!

I know separations affect children, but a marriage is between two people and ultimately you can't decide to stay together/separate because of what your children think.

It sounds like you might manage a reconciliation, although for the life of me, I can't understand why you would consider one. I don't want to be unkind, but your husband has left you twice. Isn't that enough?

paulineb_2

jinty246 wrote: »

I feel I've not been clear on the circumstances leading to this!

The affair was over and we were working on things. 3 months of fighting later he left as he said he didn't love me and didn't know what he wanted in his life. He didn't go to his mistress, he had had no contact with her for 3 months. He went to his parents and after a few days he realised that me and our marriage was what he wanted! We talked daily about how we both felt and where we both wanted the marriage to go from there. He came home and we began a very happy and loving time up until the redundancy notice. He became worried and panicked and felt that he should be providing for me and his family...we niggled, we argued, he met her again by chance and they spoke. They spoke occasionally from then on. I found out on Tuesday that they were speaking again and naturally blew my top! That's when he told my daughter that he just didn't see how he could fix things right now as he had done too much damage and made things worse by speaking to her again. Hence his decision to leave and go to the person who helped him do all of this!

I know people think he's playing with my emotions but he's never said I'll go and see how it goes and if it doesn't work I'll be back! He said even if he realises he's wrong he won't do this to me again and it will be his loss!

With respect to everyone... not 1 of you know him or know the man he truly is. He is racked with guilt over the hurt he has caused and feels he doesn't deserve us! To me he seems lost...I can't hate him enough to see him like that and I hope he finds himself again! That's not me saying I'll keep the door wide open for him...I just won't lock and bolt it!

Hes wracked with guilt over the hurt he caused so he causes you more?

And you have words over the fact that hes still in touch with her so he leaves you and moves in with her?

All very neat and tidy at his end really. Looks like any old excuse would have done, who wants to spend their live walking on eggshells and when the heat gets too much off he goes to live with someone hes been having an affair with?

I may be wrong but you said in your first post I think that he said he wasnt in love with you anymore. I think thats the point where Id have called it a day, because being with someone who doesnt have those feelings for you when you have them for them, is soul destroying.

And if its depression hes suffering from, he should seek help for it, not run into the arms of someone else. Mid life crisis is just an excuse to behave like a prat really for some people.