Culture of getting engaged young/ quick

splishsplash

My daughters are almost 21 and 19. Thinking about the groups they left school with (almost 100 in each year), none are engaged, married or pregnant, afaik. 90%+ have moved away to go to college, which for here usually means living at least 100 miles away from home. Several have steady relationships/ live together but no talk of marriages or engagements. However, I will check that with them later and swallow my words if I'm way off base!

If I'm entirely honest, once I swallowed the horror that would no doubt show on my face, I'd be looking at my daughters' boyfriends as 'probably good first husband material' if they were to bring up the subject of marriage/engagements. I'd think it very premature. Why tie themselves down when they're just about to hit the ground running, so to speak?

Thinking back to my own class at school (I'm almost 50), I'd say about half of my group moved after school to go to college, the other half probably stayed at home and most got married straight away (within a year or two).

Of the rest of us, most got engaged and married in our twenties - mid to late. Only one or two never married.

seven-day-weekend

maman wrote: »

I know my comment is a bit of a stereotype and everyone will have an example of exceptions BUT.....

I think it rather depends on the aspirations of the person. Those who want to study, start a career, get on the property ladder, build a home(maybe get a dog;)), spend some time with partner perhaps travelling or just enjoying life don't, in my experience, get engaged or married really young. It's as if those that do replace all/many of the things I've listed with having a partner and then, almost, inevitably children.

It could be looked on as personal choice or that some people do both but generally it's one or the other. Personally I'd favour leaving it late but there will be plenty of 'child brides' along to tell you different I'm sure.

You asked for an 'older' person's opinion. I may be old fashioned but the oddest thing I find is the fashion for meeting someone, having a child/children, then getting engaged and eventually getting married with the children at the wedding. That still feels really odd to me.

ETA: interesting to see cross posts that seem to agree. I didn't like to say university educated v low achievers but it does rather fit my argument.

It seems 'backwards' to me too. We'd been married for nearly ten years by the time we had our son, and had our own house for four years.

**Patty**

My now husband told me on our 3rd date that he was going to marry me......:rotfl: I made him wait about 2 years though.

I really hate to admit he was right.

daisiegg

EmmaBridgewater wrote: »

I definitely agree, my bestfriend (who went to the same school and university as me) and I often talk about this. Seems like everyone s doing things backwards!

I completely agree as well, but it is not very fashionable/acceptable to say so!

paulineb_2

My mum got married young and was divorced quite young as well. A few of my friends were married by 22 or 23, also divorced, one very quickly, another a few years later. Ive also known people my age (44), not to marry until their late 30s and some of them are on marriage number two now.

Ive never been married or lived with anyone and to be honest, whether people want to get engaged and married quickly after or not, or live together first, have kids and then get married later, thats entirely up to them.

A friend of mine was pregnant very quickly after meeting someone, was unplanned and 20 years on they are still together so by the time they got married, the baby had been born. Each to their own really

My gran was also married young but not engaged, because it was war time and they couldnt afford an engagement ring.

Gloomendoom

daisiegg wrote: »

I completely agree as well, but it is not very fashionable/acceptable to say so!

I also agree but, hey ho, who are we to judge?

codemonkey

daisiegg wrote: »

I completely agree as well, but it is not very fashionable/acceptable to say so!

I fail to see the problem. We all have different paths and routes in life. Just because someone's path isn't the same as yours, doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different. I've been to some lovely weddings where they already had children together. One of the most emotional was one where the registrar asked the groom's son if he took the bride to be his stepmother. It really was lovely.

I lived with DH before we got married and we bought a house together. We'd discussed marriage so I guess we were maybe engaged in principle, but buying the house together seems like the bigger commitment. We decided to wait until we were married to have children, because that was what was right for us, but perhaps if we hadn't waited, we wouldn't be having the same problems conceiving.

daisiegg

codemonkey wrote: »

I fail to see the problem. We all have different paths and routes in life. Just because someone's path isn't the same as yours, doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different. I've been to some lovely weddings where there were children. One of the most emotional was one where the registrar asked the groom's son if he took the bride to be his stepmother. It really was lovely.
.

I fail to see where I used the word 'wrong'

lostinrates

How young is young? And how quick is quick?

I was married at Daisy's age, my husband was the same age. He was doing his second post grad qualification, I'd decided a few years previously not to complete mine but concentrate on a business that was doing well, then I sold that and was working free lance across a few industries. Until I got ill.

DH and I met when we were twenty three, and after our fourth date moved in with each other. A year on the anniversary of meeting he asked me to marry him. Is that young? Didn't feel like it, we had a lot going on.

We were In the middle of a marrying Flurry of our contemporaries at the time (all university educated, many Oxbridge, some postgrad) and there was reason for us to be expedient (not pregnancy).

I'd do it again. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I'd just marry him on the fourth date lol.

lau_dicker

I got with my partner 8 years ago, engaged after 3 years, still not married although we did have plans too a couple of times. I never thought I'd do anything other than the 'traditional', e.g. get married, buy a house, have a baby. So far, we got engaged, bought a house, had a baby We were going to get married, then the LO turned up, then we decided we needed a kitchen extension more than a wedding! So back to saving again! I wouldn't change it for the world Apart from having the same surname as my partner and son anyway! Oh and I'm from the 'academic' group of people (BSc and 2 MSc)