do i invite my brother or not?

mumps

paulineb wrote: »

Getting to be a bit of a habit on here, getting your own posts spelled out to you and being told what you meant by someone else on the thread, in a rather condescending manner, must be catching.

Like you explaining the OP?

CH27

paulineb wrote: »

Getting to be a bit of a habit on here, getting your own posts spelled out to you and being told what you meant by someone else on the thread, in a rather condescending manner, must be catching.

Pot, kettle, black

tea_lover

When I got married my OH's sister was 9, and it was made very clear to me by MIL that she WOULD be a bridesmaid. I knew my OH would like this so I agreed, obviously. However, it did mean that the time getting ready (which should have been my mum, sister and me) wasn't the way I thought it would be, as we also had a little girl to look after who none of us really knew.

It didn't help that MIL also kicked off about the dress and hair (there's definite similarities here!).

Those last few hours at home were supposed to be a special time for me and my sister, but instead we were looking after someone else's child, knowing that whatever we did to her hair was going to be moaned about.

FWIW, I had no problem at all with OH's sister, I just didn't know her and hadn't ever anticipated having anyone other than my sister and mum with me when we were getting ready.

Just to offer another perspective there.

Missme

It's kind of an unwritten law of nature that families will feud over seemingly petty crepe!! Sometimes the pettiness masks a deeper issue; sometimes it's just what it is.

I don't believe it's solely the bride's choice who is bridesmaid on the big day. Nor do I believe than any family members should have expectations.

I was one of 16 (utterly ridicuous and excessive IMO) adult bridesmaids and ushers in my late teens when there were plenty of cute small people in both families to fill the roles. But whatever I think or thought, it's the couple's choice.

If you want to give having a relationship with your brother another shot, OP, then invite him and his OH. If they come and play nicely - great! If not, then tell them their behaiviour is unacceptable and remind them they are free to leave - assisted if necessary.

Life's to short to put up with poop from poopholes.

purple.sarah

I can understand the bride wanting to pick her own bridesmaids if they were adult bridesmaids and friends of hers who would be supporting her through the process, but when it comes to child bridesmaids, who just have to stand there, I don't see the problem with including both nieces when it was obviously important to the groom. Also who crimps a 3 year old's hair? And is the 2 little girls not having matching hair really the end of the world? It sounds like she went a bit bridezilla.

I think the OP was in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation here, if her brother wanted his niece to be a bridesmaid, refusing could have offended him and upset her little girl, who would just have wanted to wear a pretty dress without being aware of the politics.

bylromarha

tea_lover wrote: »

When I got married my OH's sister was ~~~~~~~, and it was made very clear to me by MIL that she WOULD be a bridesmaid.

Same thing happened to me - except OHs sister was 21.

I politely and firmly told MIL no. I didn't want her, OH didn't want her.

Families can make weddings such a pain!

purple.sarah

Bella73 wrote: »

I agree with this. Am assuming this is an adult male we are talking about as he married:rotfl:

Does she lock him the garage or something?

To be honest I am feeling sorry for the SIL. I think OP needs to apologise properly.

I don't quite understand why you have mentioned things like the babysitting as you are doing a uni course etc. why would a couple just offer to babysit without being asked?? I never have as it would not occur to me.

I have offered to babysit for friends, don't have any nieces or nephews yet but if I did I would definitely offer to babysit as I would want to spend quality time with them while giving the parents a break. It seems like a common courtesy to me.

stormbreaker

I don't intend reading through all the posts but see no point in disecting the wedding plans. What has been said and happened is in the past.

Invite them, continue to invite them to family gatherings, sending Christmas cards etc. if they don't respond or turn up their loss.

However everytime you don't get a response be prepared to be hurt. Although you will feel hurt constantly, you will feel guilt if you didn't invite them.

Happy 30th when it arrives!

lushlifesaver

Treevo wrote: »

It's not odd - it would have been perfectly normal. You didn't have any right to force your daughter into someone else's wedding!

For you to then 'tell her some home truths' is outrageous.

I wouldn't be making such a weak non-apology for your behaviour - not if you truly want to heal this rift.

I will say this though - I don't see any evidence of your sister-in-law being controlling. But someone definitely is.

I think you may have missed an important point. OP didn't force her daughter on her SIL, her brother wanted his niece involved in his wedding.
In my opinion, and it would appears in those of others also, he was well within his right to make such a request!

A wedding maybe full of people gushing over the bride but it by no means a day to be filled solely with this. The groom plays an equally as important role and it is his day too!


OP I would invite them, include a note and RSVP with a date on and if you don't hear back then give them a call and just tell them you would like both parties to get along nicely and apologise whilst making it clear that there were two parties involved. You were mostly certainly not to blame even if she feels you were out of place (though, not that it matters, I would gladly pay someone for a reality check like that if I ever get married and turn in to a bridezilla!)

loopyloouk

thank you for all your replies,

thought i had better update the situation, i sent an invite to them both by email as i would not have had time by post due to the table numbers, i attached some new pics of my daughter and included the following:-

'i hope you are both ok? it has been ages since we all had a chance to catch up, ''''''' is doing fantastic and getting so big she would love to see you both as would i. I would like to apologies if you feel that i overstepped the mark in the run up to your wedding day in relation to the comment made, i did feel incredibly hurt that you would say that you did not want '''''' to be bridesmaid in front of her. I hope we can put this behind us and try to move forward. ''''' you are my brother and i miss you and SIL i would like a chance to build some bridges with you and become friends again.

i haven't as of yet received a response but i have asked for an answer by tomorrow to confirm numbers at the restaurant. I am hopefull but i really don't think she will come. My friend at work but a different spin on it and thought perhaps my SIL may be embarrassed by saying that in front of my daughter and her family, my mom, auntie etc. To be honest i hadn't even thought of that so we shall see.

i am sorry i said she was controlling but i was so hurt that she would say that in front of my daughter, my LO was so excited in trying her dress on and parading up and down in the bridal shop her little face was a picture and then to have that said to us was a big shock to the system. I don't regret attending the wedding and my daughter bring bridesmaid it was awkward but i would have regretted not going as i do love my brother.