do i invite my brother or not?

January20

fabforty wrote: »

The fact that she favours her own niece is understandable - I'm not sure why you would expect otherwise - and any feelings that you have on this point, should really be directed towards your brother.

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In her affections, I think it is perfectly normal that she should favour her own niece, however in this situation I think she was being unreasonable and a proper bridezilla: There were only 2 little girls for bridesmaid duties: her own niece and her husband's niece. Any sensible woman would have seen the reasonable and fair thing to do was to have the 2 of them, surely? Not fair in terms of the children only as I'm sure a 3 year old would not have realised the difference, but fair to her husband who obviously felt it was the right thing to do. Why are some women such horrors about their wedding? They act like they are royalty and the whole world have to revolve around them!

Losing her temper and telling the OP she didn't want her daughter as a bridesmaid was very immature and selfish. I would guess she hoped the OP would then not let her dd be a bridesmaid. If she didn't realise how much she would upset the OP, perhaps she will realise when she has her child!

OP, I would invite them because then nobody can accuse you of wrong doing in this instance but I wouldn't lose any sleep over not having a relationship with this woman! As for your brother, if he can't make the effort or doesn't have the balls to stand up to his wife so he can have a relationship with his sister, well do you really want him in your life?

pollypenny

January has beaten me to it!

Surely, bridesmaids represent both families, as long as there are children of suitable ages.

It's the chief bridesmaid who is the equivalent of the best man.

Having said that, I'd invite your brother. No point in entrenching a bad situation.

fabforty

January20 wrote: »

In her affections, I think it is perfectly normal that she should favour her own niece, however in this situation I think she was being unreasonable and a proper bridezilla: There were only 2 little girls for bridesmaid duties: her own niece and her husband's niece. Any sensible woman would have seen the reasonable and fair thing to do was to have the 2 of them, surely? Not fair in terms of the children only as I'm sure a 3 year old would not have realised the difference, but fair to her husband who obviously felt it was the right thing to do. Why are some women such horrors about their wedding? They act like they are royalty and the whole world have to revolve around them!

Losing her temper and telling the OP she didn't want her daughter as a bridesmaid was very immature and selfish. I would guess she hoped the OP would then not let her dd be a bridesmaid. If she didn't realise how much she would upset the OP, perhaps she will realise when she has her child!

OP, I would invite them because then nobody can accuse you of wrong doing in this instance but I wouldn't lose any sleep over not having a relationship with this woman! As for your brother, if he can't make the effort or doesn't have the balls to stand up to his wife so he can have a relationship with his sister, well do you really want him in your life?

Just to clarify, I was referring to the part of OPs post where she complains that SIL has always favoured her own niece and gives the example of the babysit the niece regularly but not her daughter. I felt that this was understandable and any grudge towards SIL over that was misplaced.

I personally think that brides should choose their own bridesmaids according to who they want to have - regardless of how many other children are in the family - but we can agree to disagree on that one .

Errata

Invite him, and the harridan, you don't have to speak to either of them.

itsanne

To be honest, I can both sympathise with and see fault on both sides, but by this stage the rights and wrongs of what happened are history. If you don't invite them, you are making a statement that the friction continues and it will be progressively harder to reconcile things.

You have nothing to lose by inviting them, although it sounds like they probably won't come.

DigForVictory

Invite them.
If you're really shooting for the high ground, include the apology.
Step back & see what happens.
If nothing else, you're clearly trying to be the nice, friendly one and that's a win no matter whether they come or not.

DevilsAdvocate1

Mind, it does sound as though she was controlling to me. I can't believe any bride would want to dictate how the bridesmaids wear their hair! I picked a dress for my bridesmaids, but that was it. They even picked their own shoes!

We all went and had our hair done together the morning of the wedding, and I paid for this. But the bridesmaids told the hairdresser how they wanted their own hair. Its their hair after all.

bagpussbear

I think it would be right to invite them.

However, there is a big problem of resentment that's not being addressed here. The SIL had a bridesmaid forced on her she did not want, despite traditionally it being up to the bride to pick her ladies. Resentment starts from here.

Then there are some home truths said to her at the dress fitting, ie. she now has someone she doesn't want and yet can't even have freedom to dress/groom the girl in the way she wants for her wedding. Resentment grows bigger here! She will see it as you spoiling what should be a nice exciting trip of getting the dresses out with 'her girls'.

Sorry but I do see why the SIL is angry with you, and at the end of the day your brother is going to side with his wife.

I think invite them to the party for sure, but I believe in order to heal this rift you might have to say sorry, whether you mean it or not, or feel you should or not.

ailuro2

Invite them, maybe she's grown up a bit since then.:)

seven-day-weekend

To me it is a load of fuss about nothing, but then again, I'm not into big fancy weddings. I think it is quite understandable that she prefers her own niece . I also think it is understandable that her husband wanted HIS niece to be bridesmaid too and there should not have been ill-feeling over it.

To the OP, invite them and also enclose a letter apologising for your part in the rift (without excuses or justifications, just an unreserved 'sorry') and say you would very much like to be on friendly terms. Then you have given them a way back that they might take. If they don't take it that is their choice, but you will have done the right thing.