do i invite my brother or not?

moneysniffer

I also find it weird that your brother insisted on her being a bridesmaid - did the SIL get to pick his best man? Surely, if your daughter is only young, then flower girl would have been a more appropriate role for her? Why on earth wasn't a compromise worked out beforehand before it came to a head?

I would invite them. It may crush you if he doesn't come, but then at least you know where you stand. Have you made any sort of heartfelt apology about your behaviour at the wedding? That could be what he's waiting for...! In his position, I would certainly be expecting an apology, 'home truths' on somebody's wedding day?! That's really low.

Any

loopyloouk wrote: »

I did say a few home truths which i probably shouldn't have as they have ignored my daughter for a while and favoured her niece which is suppose she should put her niece first but my brother never did that for my daughter, for example they regularly babysit for her niece probably once a week and they have never once had my daughter ( i would not expect them to have her but it would be nice to be offered occasionally especially as i am working full time and at uni on the evenings)

Think i may have to be the bigger person in this.

She loves her little niece and it seems she is very close with her sibbling. It is not that unusual that given that she is not bound by blood or whatever you want to call it to you personally she probably feels a bit more towards the other niece.
it is normal. It's not like - "yeah, I had you in my life for 10 years for the niece and 30 years for the sibling and then I met a bloke who also happens to have niece so now I suddenly love them both equaly" (that is an example).
Idealy over time this will obviously happen. But work is required on this.

I think your grudge is missplaced. It is mainly with your brother, not with her. And he is a man. Men more often then not are not this touchy feely to start off with. And their wives have great hold over their feelings and emotions too. So if you are on bad terms with her, you automaticaly are on bad footing with him.
So either he has to suddenly grow balls or you have to try to become closer to them.

If you think any man have ever turned around and said "hey love, I want to babysit tonight, lets have my sister's child" then you will wait for a long time... And if you think any woman will offer babysitting of virtualy strange child to her, especialy one of woman who told her "few home truths" then think again...

Start with invitation and see. Perhaps you will have a chance to become closer to your brother again and her too if you will want.

paddy's_mum

loopyloouk wrote: »

My mom .. is now fine with them both as shes does not want my SIL to stop her seeing my brother

It sounds to me as though your brother is being spineless.

If the above assessment of your SIL's character is accurate, nothing you and the members of your family can do will ever alter her dislike/distrust or FEAR of you all.

It all more like a power struggle based on her insecurity than anything else and frankly, I wouldn't bother to engage in that kind of farcical game.

By all means invite them, expect a refusal (or silence) and then stop beating your head against the brick wall that your brother has been more than happy to erect.

Desperado99

do you want them there? if so invite them. If not, don't.

It sounds as if you do want them there and want to reconcile so invite them, but try not to get upset if they don't show.

loopyloouk

I just want to clarify i did not say anything on their wedding day, the arguement came about at the final dress fitting for the girls as she wanted my daughters hair crimped for the wedding and as she is only 3 with really fine hair i asked politely if she could possibly not have this done as she has short hair anyway and very fine it would just ruin it, this then turned into her throwing a huge drama in the bridal shop about the dress, fitting, until she stated she did not want my daughter anyway she was forced to by my brother as he felt it was only right.

i would never upset anyone on there wedding day as that is there special day but if someone is going to verbally slate my child the momma bear in me comes out an i will stick up for my child until my dying breath.

The homes truths i advised her of is that she is controlling, yes perhaps i should of kept my big mouth shut but i felt backed into a corner.

re the babysitting, i would not expect them to have her and if they offered i would probably say no anyway but its just the thought that counts, there is myself and my brother no other siblings so there is only one child on my side, i just thought they would make more of any effort.

Think i will get my hubby to invite them as he is organizing it and then if they come great if not then so be it

aileth

Invite them, take the moral high ground. If they don't respond as you expect, you haven't lost anything. If they do respond and want to come, maybe it'll give you a chance to try and patch things out or work out what's wrong.

If you don't invite them, you might get trouble even though they probably wouldn't come. For example, my mum didn't speak to her brother for about a year after an upset following my granddad's death. He kept ending birthday cards, tried to add her on Facebook, emails etc, but she didn't respond and just had a paddy each time he sent something.

Anyway, they were having a big-do for an important birthday and of course didn't invite us. She flew totally off the rails and caused another family feud because of it. She took it as a personal insult that he hadn't invited her, but seemingly she was allowed to total blank him and not invite him to anything. People aren't logical sometimes, so rise above it.

bylromarha

I'd invite - but also include a letter saying something to the effect of really missed having you in our lives over the past year, I suspect it could be to do with the dress fitting argument - if so, again, please accept my apologies for what I said. Momma Bear came out when.... Look forward to receiving your RSVP and catching up on the past year. If you're unable to come, then please send me a few dates that suit when we can meet up soon.

If you're being the bigger person, you have to have clearly apologised and ensure they know the apology is sincere. And give options if SIL doesn't want to show her face at the party.

However, if you don't have a response, then it'd probably be best for your own sanity to leave trying to rebuild the relationship for a few years...

sassyblue

Well I'm with the OP, I'd have told her her fortune if bridezilla said all that in front of my child.

I'd invite them anyway OP, and don't lose a seconds sleep if they decline. The chances are your brother may have no choice in declining if SIL is controlling like you say and potentially still licking her wounds, but that's his problem.

DKLS

If you enjoy their company and wish to share your day with by all means invite them.

But if its to be the "bigger person", personally I wouldn't bother, especially as they seem likely to not turn up or have faces like cracked pizz pots all day.

fabforty

loopyloouk wrote: »

I just want to clarify i did not say anything on their wedding day, the arguement came about at the final dress fitting for the girls as she wanted my daughters hair crimped for the wedding and as she is only 3 with really fine hair i asked politely if she could possibly not have this done as she has short hair anyway and very fine it would just ruin it, this then turned into her throwing a huge drama in the bridal shop about the dress, fitting, until she stated she did not want my daughter anyway she was forced to by my brother as he felt it was only right.

i would never upset anyone on there wedding day as that is there special day but if someone is going to verbally slate my child the momma bear in me comes out an i will stick up for my child until my dying breath.

The homes truths i advised her of is that she is controlling, yes perhaps i should of kept my big mouth shut but i felt backed into a corner.

re the babysitting, i would not expect them to have her and if they offered i would probably say no anyway but its just the thought that counts, there is myself and my brother no other siblings so there is only one child on my side, i just thought they would make more of any effort.

Think i will get my hubby to invite them as he is organizing it and then if they come great if not then so be it

I always seem to be a bit of a lone voice on these threads , but here goes....

That puts a slightly different slant on it IMHO. If I felt pressured into having a child as a bridesmaid and then the mother was 'being difficult' (in her eyes) about how the child's hair was done, I probably would have been a bit miffed as well. Admitting that she had originally only wanted her niece to be bridesmaid is not the same as verbally attacking or insulting your daughter. If, in response the mother then let rip with a string of personal comments which probably should have been left unsaid as they had no relevance to the matter in hand, I doubt that I would be bending over backwards to keep in touch either. Was 'controlling' the best or worst of what you said?

The fact that she favours her own niece is understandable - I'm not sure why you would expect otherwise - and any feelings that you have on this point, should really be directed towards your brother.

The issue seems to be between you and SIL - so any making up/putting things right, needs to start there. It's not a question of right or wrong, it's just about clearing the air.

I would invite them and if they don't respond, then at least you can say you tried, but you might need to deal with some of the things that you said to SIL first.

Hope it goes well, whatever happens .